Skip to main content

Tacky Social Networking Options Available for Recently Deceased

Now that I have finally heard it all, I can die peacefully in my sleep.

And if I did, there's no reason I have to stop doing social networking (like Twitter, Facebook, or blogging). Because some enterprising weirdos entrepreneurs have made it possible for friends and family to reach me online.

According to a story in the Maryland Daily Record, there are a number of new companies that are offering things like virtual cemeteries. There are others that offer email alerts from funeral homes that will remind my surviving relatives of the anniversary of my death.

(Problem #1 - I would hope my death would be memorable enough that my family would not need a reminder. Problem #2 - Every computer-based calendar can repeat dates like birthdays or death days – for free – with a simple mouse-click. Problem #3 - If my family ever wastes money on this, I'm haunting the bejeezus out of them.)

There are even companies like You' (official motto: "Neener neener neener") that will email your left-behind relatives who are in danger of being left behind even farther when the Rapture takes you away. Their website says:
We have set up a system to send documents by the email, to the addresses you provide, 6 days after the "Rapture" of the Church. This occurs when 3 of our 5 team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period. Another 3 days are given to fail safe any false triggering of the system.

This strikes me as a rather amateurish venture. Real computer programmers would have already coded in a The Rapture Has Occurred button into the user interface, which would eliminate the need for the fail safe. Besides, something tells me that when the Rapture does occur, checking email is going to be the last thing on everyone's minds.

"Hmm, I wonder if my deceased relative is trying to email me from beyond the grave. Hey, where'd everybody go?"

"People have a desire to perpetuate not only for themselves, but for their loved ones, the story of their lives, and technology has all these new great ways of doing that," John McQueen, owner of the Anderson McQueen funeral home, told the Daily Record. is an online memory-gathering site for grieving family and friends, with a number of different online scenic locations for your final stop on this mortal coil, including a Zen garden, view of a lake, a tropical valley, a forest in autumn, or a cabin in the winter woods.

As an added bonus, says their "100% advertising free." That's comforting, since I don't know that I would want my virtual tombstone to blast "Five. Five dollar. Five dollar foot lo-o-o-o-ngs!" every time anyone visited me online.

Visitors can leave behind virtual flowers, virtual religious symbols, virtual gifts, and virtual tchotchkes, like golf clubs, a football helmet, or horse saddle that virtually everyone already leaves behind at real cemeteries, but without all the hassle of dressing up and actually visiting the deceased loved one.

Because nothing says a deep unabiding love for family like a recurring $14.95 per month charge on your credit card.

Like this post? Leave a comment, Digg it, or Stumble it.


Popular posts from this blog

AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide


Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…

Understanding 7 Different Types of Humor

One of my pet peeves is when people say they have a "dry" sense of humor, without actually understanding what it actually means.

"Dry" humor is not just any old type of humor. It's not violent, not off-color, not macabre or dark.

Basically, dry humor is that deadpan style of humor. It's the not-very-funny joke your uncle the cost analysis accountant tells. It's Bob Newhart, Steven Wright, or Jason Bateman in Arrested Development.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

What Are They Thinking? The Beloit College Mindset List

Every year at this time, the staff at Beloit College send out their new student Mindset List as a way to make everyone clutch their chest and feel the cold hand of death.

This list was originally created and shared with their faculty each year, so the faculty would understand what some of their own cultural touchstones might mean, or not mean, to the incoming freshmen. They also wanted the freshmen to know it was not cool to refer to '80s music as "Oldies."

This year's incoming Beloit freshmen are typically 18 years old, born in 1999. John F. Kennedy Jr. died that year, as did Stanley Kubrick and Gene Siskel. And so did my hope for a society that sought artistic and intellectual pursuits for the betterment of all humanity. Although it may have actually died when I heard about this year's Emoji Movie.

Before I throw my hands up in despair, here are a few items from the Mindset list for the class of 2021.

They're the last class to be born in the 1900s, and are t…