Skip to main content

A Visit to the Art Gallery

A Visit to the Art Gallery

Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2009

"Remember, don't touch anything when we're in here."

"An art gallery."

"No Buddy, not a heart gallery, an art gallery."

"Sweetie, don't say that in public."

"I know it rhymes with art, but you shouldn't say it in public."

"I realize you can say that at home. But we're not at home."

"We're at an art gallery. I just told you."

"It's where they show art."

"Yes, like the kind you guys make."

"No, you can't color anything in here."

"Because you can't touch anything."

"Because you'll break something. And I can't afford or won't like whatever you break."

"Of course I like your art, Sweetie."

"Yes, Buddy, I like your art too."

"I like them both the same."

"Uh-uh. Daddies don't pick favorites. Ask Mommy what she thinks."

"What? I wasn't trying to put you in a tough spot. I was just saying you wouldn't pick a favorite either."

"Just remember not to touch anything in here."

"It's a sculpture, Buddy."

"Well, the half-eaten sandwich that's been discarded on the paper plate represents our careless attitude toward food while other people in the world are starv— oh, sorry, sir. I didn't know that was your dinner."

"Sweetie, don't shout across the room like that. And don't say words like that either."

"They're called breasts, not boobies."

"I know you guys call them boobies at home."

"Because we're not at home."

"No, Honey, we can't leave yet."

"Because I like going to art galleries. I want you guys to learn to like them too."

"I just like seeing art. It's a chance to see what other people have created. Art is the heart of a community. This is a great way to see what people are thinking about, or what they think is important."

"Yes, Sweetie, I know you like drawing SpongeBob SquarePants."

"Yes, Buddy, I guess some people think boobies are important."

"What? He asked, I had to answer."

"I am not being a bad influence. Look, we said we would never lie to the kids. Besides, I think we should teach them that boo—breasts, at least in art, are nothing to giggle at."

"No, Honey, not all art is important."

"Well, sometimes it's just pomposity and ego. Some people just think it's great to just emotionally vomit onto a canvas and call it art. Or they root around in the garbage and pile up a bunch of stuff like we're supposed to be impressed by their creativity. But sometimes it's just literally a pile of—no, ma'am, I didn't mean your work."

"I like your interpretation of. . . uhh. . . oh, yours is the one with the boo—breasts."

"No, I was just explaining to my daughter about the pretensions of some artists. I wasn't referring to your work at all."

"Buddy, don't touch the boobies—I mean, art."

"No, I didn't know this was your show."

"Well, I wasn't referring to your art. I was talking about some other artists."

"Uh, I don't know their names."

"Look, if we didn't like it, we wouldn't have come in."

"Oh yeah? You probably couldn't even spell bourgeois."

"Let's go, guys. We're leaving."

"Sweetie, don't eat her cookies. Because they're probably as tasteless as her art."

"See kids, I told you art could be fun."

"What? I'm not teaching the kids bad manners. They're learning how to be art critics.

Like this post? Leave a comment, Digg it, or Stumble it.


  1. My kindergartener's class just went to the art museum. Afterwards, I received an e-mail from the teacher that said:

    "This was not a good trip for R. He had no interest whatsoever in the art, he touched a marble statue and he kept pressing his face against the glass cases."

    So, next time you take your kids, will you take mine too?


Post a Comment

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I am accepting comments from people with Google accounts to cut down on spam.
Otherwise, spam comments will be deleted with malicious glee.

Popular posts from this blog

AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide


Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…

Understanding 7 Different Types of Humor

One of my pet peeves is when people say they have a "dry" sense of humor, without actually understanding what it actually means.

"Dry" humor is not just any old type of humor. It's not violent, not off-color, not macabre or dark.

Basically, dry humor is that deadpan style of humor. It's the not-very-funny joke your uncle the cost analysis accountant tells. It's Bob Newhart, Steven Wright, or Jason Bateman in Arrested Development.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

What Are They Thinking? The Beloit College Mindset List

Every year at this time, the staff at Beloit College send out their new student Mindset List as a way to make everyone clutch their chest and feel the cold hand of death.

This list was originally created and shared with their faculty each year, so the faculty would understand what some of their own cultural touchstones might mean, or not mean, to the incoming freshmen. They also wanted the freshmen to know it was not cool to refer to '80s music as "Oldies."

This year's incoming Beloit freshmen are typically 18 years old, born in 1999. John F. Kennedy Jr. died that year, as did Stanley Kubrick and Gene Siskel. And so did my hope for a society that sought artistic and intellectual pursuits for the betterment of all humanity. Although it may have actually died when I heard about this year's Emoji Movie.

Before I throw my hands up in despair, here are a few items from the Mindset list for the class of 2021.

They're the last class to be born in the 1900s, and are t…