Skip to main content

Are You a Sports Doofus?

ESPN is going all Cracked Magazine on us (with a little link love to my fellow humor writer, Danny Gallagher) with their list of 20 Things That Make You Look Like a Sports Doofus.

While I am guilty of many things, being a sports doofus is not one of them. Sports doofuses (doofi?) will do some pretty dorky things, all in the name of sports doofdom.

Wearing a team jersey with your name on it, wearing baseball pants to play slo-pitch softball, having an intense fantasy sports discussion while attending an actual game, or running in a rainstorm (I would have just said "running" in general, but what do I know?) to name a few.

I just don't do these things. I like sports. I like playing, watching, and occasionally talking about sports. But I don't get into deep philosophical discussions about it, hold forth my opinions about why the team is doing badly and the dozens of highly-paid coaches can't figure out what I already know, or call in to — or even listen to — sports radio.

Sports fan, yes. Sports doofus, no.

But I have to point out #6 on the list: Wearing a sponsor-festooned jersey while riding your bike. I've seen these doofi more and more these days, as these bicyle riding wannabes are whizzing around town. I even commented to my wife about it this weekend.

Dubious behavior: Pedaling around town in a skintight, pro-style bicycle jersey plastered with the names of major European corporations.

Doofus factor: Very high. That steep hill by your house isn't the Pyrenees; the guy in the nearby car doesn't want to hand you a water bottle; riding an extra mile won't strike a decisive blow against cancer; no one is paying you a dime to be out here; no one is about to knock on your door and request a urine sample. Why? Because you are not Lance. Know those silly-looking flame-retardant jackets worn by NASCAR drivers? Imagine wearing the same thing to the grocery store.


Hey, I understand. I used to be a bike racer. I had the jersey, the tight little shorts, the whole works. But I never, EVER wore a jersey with a sponsor on it, unless it was my own sponsor.

That's about as doofus-y (doofy?) as getting an Indianapolis Colts jersey with your name and the number 18 on it. No one believes it, you're one team tattoo away from becoming a stalker, and you just look, well, sad. Yes, you can get a real jersey with a real player's name on it. That's fine, because it shows you're a fan. Also, I've got a Peyton Manning jersey, which means it's okay.

Check out ESPN's list, and let me know if you do any of those things. We don't judge here, we don't cast aspersions on your doofusness. Believe me, there are doofy things I do, just not related to sports.

That's for a whole 'nother blog post.


---
Like this post? Leave a comment, Digg it, or Stumble it.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide

TFBIHCAEEPTSD.

Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…

Understanding 7 Different Types of Humor

One of my pet peeves is when people say they have a "dry" sense of humor, without actually understanding what it actually means.

"Dry" humor is not just any old type of humor. It's not violent, not off-color, not macabre or dark.

Basically, dry humor is that deadpan style of humor. It's the not-very-funny joke your uncle the cost analysis accountant tells. It's Bob Newhart, Steven Wright, or Jason Bateman in Arrested Development.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

What Are They Thinking? The Beloit College Mindset List

Every year at this time, the staff at Beloit College send out their new student Mindset List as a way to make everyone clutch their chest and feel the cold hand of death.

This list was originally created and shared with their faculty each year, so the faculty would understand what some of their own cultural touchstones might mean, or not mean, to the incoming freshmen. They also wanted the freshmen to know it was not cool to refer to '80s music as "Oldies."

This year's incoming Beloit freshmen are typically 18 years old, born in 1999. John F. Kennedy Jr. died that year, as did Stanley Kubrick and Gene Siskel. And so did my hope for a society that sought artistic and intellectual pursuits for the betterment of all humanity. Although it may have actually died when I heard about this year's Emoji Movie.

Before I throw my hands up in despair, here are a few items from the Mindset list for the class of 2021.

They're the last class to be born in the 1900s, and are t…