Skip to main content

Clean Your Den, or No Maidens For You

Clean Your Den, or No Maidens For You

Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2009

"Buddy, is your room clean yet?"
"How much have you—oh jeez, you guys! I asked you to clean your room two hours ago. This looks worse than it was."
"Sweetie, you were supposed to help him. What have you two been doing this whole time?"
"But you weren't supposed to be playing. You were supposed to be cleaning your room. Weren't you guys working together?"
"Playing together is not working together. I told you before things go faster if you can both work together. It cuts your work time in half."
"Right, Sweetie, that's called cooperation."
"Yes, Buddy, just like you learned on Sesame Street."
"So why weren't you cooperating?"
"No, I don't care what Ernie and Bert did on Sesame Street today."
"Because I want to find out why your room's not clean."
"What do you mean, she was the bad guy?"
"Huh, I didn't know you guys played knights and dragons. I used to play that as a kid. I remember one time—wait, that's not important. You need to get your room clean, Buddy. Let's stay focused on the issue right now."
"No, I didn't know she could imitate a dragon."
"Okay, Sweetie, show me what dragons sound like."
"Wow, that's pretty scary."
"Yes, I'm being patronizing. That's a pretty big word for an 8-year-old."
"I know you're smart."
"Yes, and you know big words. So what do big words have to do with dragons?"
"But you weren't supposed to be playing knights and dragons. You were supposed to be cleaning your room, remember? That's what I asked you to do after lunch."
"You just had lunch two hours ago. You don't need to eat anything else."
"But dragons don't need to eat that often."
"Dragons don't eat cookies."
"They eat one big meal every two weeks, and then they're finished for a while."
"Princesses. Sometimes cows, sometimes knights, but mostly princesses."
"No, we're not going to make gingerbread princesses."
"Because you're supposed to be cleaning your room, Buddy. What part of 'clean your room' don't you understand?"
"What do dragons have to do with cleaning your room?"
"But dragons are not supposed to mess up your room even more."
"I'm sure it was a great castle. But you were supposed to—"
"Well, dragons crashing into a castle wall can be pretty devastating. But I asked you guys to—"
"You need a giant bow and arrow. I mean, you can't just bring down a dragon with regular bows and arrows, and a catapult isn't accurate enough to hit something moving as fast as a dragon. You need what's called a ballista."
"It's sort of like a catapult, but it's a giant bow and arrow. So how did you shoot down this one?"
"Guns? Buddy, castles don't have guns."
"Well, they just didn't."
"Yes, Sweetie, I know you're using your imagination."
"Yes, I know dragons aren't actually real."
"You got me there. If you've got dragons, you might as well have guns. So what do guns have to do with cleaning—"
"Well, Buddy, your wall crashed because it was pretty weak on the north side here. Your walls are pretty thin. You need to reinforce them a little."
"Because Legos can't withstand the impact of a dragon. I think if you shore up that north wall with Lincoln Logs, you'll be able to handle another blast. Ooh, and we need some GI Joes with their laser rifles. Send your Hot Wheels around on the left flank, but don't send them until I give the word."
"Now, Sweetie, give me five minutes to assemble these Lincoln Logs, and then you get back to your original—"
"What? I'm helping them clean the room."
"Well, they were playing knights and dragons, and the castle wall wasn't strong enough, so I'm helping him shore up his defenses."
"Hey, dragons have everything to do with cleaning a room."

Like this post? Leave a comment, Digg it, or Stumble it.


  1. That is awesome. I have two grown sons, and I can't count the times their mother walked in and I was complicit in neglecting their duties.

  2. Erik:
    Have read with great interest many of your SI opinions. Just want to say you definitely used your and your daughter's IMAGINATION on this one lol.
    Continued success,
    Duke Snyder

  3. Thanks Duke and Chuck. I appreciate it.


Post a Comment

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I am accepting comments from people with Google accounts to cut down on spam.
Otherwise, spam comments will be deleted with malicious glee.

Popular posts from this blog

AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide


Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…

Understanding 7 Different Types of Humor

One of my pet peeves is when people say they have a "dry" sense of humor, without actually understanding what it actually means.

"Dry" humor is not just any old type of humor. It's not violent, not off-color, not macabre or dark.

Basically, dry humor is that deadpan style of humor. It's the not-very-funny joke your uncle the cost analysis accountant tells. It's Bob Newhart, Steven Wright, or Jason Bateman in Arrested Development.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

What Are They Thinking? The Beloit College Mindset List

Every year at this time, the staff at Beloit College send out their new student Mindset List as a way to make everyone clutch their chest and feel the cold hand of death.

This list was originally created and shared with their faculty each year, so the faculty would understand what some of their own cultural touchstones might mean, or not mean, to the incoming freshmen. They also wanted the freshmen to know it was not cool to refer to '80s music as "Oldies."

This year's incoming Beloit freshmen are typically 18 years old, born in 1999. John F. Kennedy Jr. died that year, as did Stanley Kubrick and Gene Siskel. And so did my hope for a society that sought artistic and intellectual pursuits for the betterment of all humanity. Although it may have actually died when I heard about this year's Emoji Movie.

Before I throw my hands up in despair, here are a few items from the Mindset list for the class of 2021.

They're the last class to be born in the 1900s, and are t…