Skip to main content

A One-Sided Christmas Tree

A One-Sided Christmas Tree
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2009

"No, I don't want an artificial tree this year."

"Because we had an artificial tree for 14 years."

"We didn't have the room for it, that's why. We stored it in a giant tub, and we couldn't fit it in the garage last year. It had to go."

"I want a real tree again this year. We had them when I was a kid. And I missed the smell and look of a real tree the whole time we had that plastic piece of crap."

"I liked last year's tree a lot. It was real, and a whole lot nicer than our fake one."

"That's because it was a small tree, and we've got some heavy ornaments."

"Nothing important broke."

"Neither of us liked that one anyway. Who makes plaster of Paris ornaments anymore?"

"But you didn't like your great-aunt Greta."

"I'll make sure we get a stronger tree this time."

"It was weak because it was a small tree."

"Because it was the last one at the supermarket. Supermarket trees aren't real great anyway."

"It was so little. It needed me."

"I am not Charlie Brown!"

"I just like to root for the underdog is all."

"Well, if no one had bought that tree, it would have just ended up in the mulcher and on some garden, never having presents put under it, or making little children happy."

"I am not!"

"The wind blew something in my eye."

"Fine, I'll pick one out myself."

"No, I need you to hold the rope while I tie the knots."

"The carry-out guys are useless. Last year, that kid just stood around and watched me tie everything down myself."

"I know, but what sort of help was he giving just standing there? Why didn't he just go back inside?"

"It really was the wind that blew something in my eye."

"Because I'm tired of artificial trees."

"They're plastic, impersonal, and soulless. Sort of like our last neighbors."

"No, Cassie was never friendly. That was Botox. Her face just froze that way."

"Well, she never liked me. She was spindly and prickly. I swear, if she had stood still long enough, the kids would have hung ornaments on her. And I would have stuck the angel—"

"They can't hear me, they're watching a movie."

"Come on, we'll get a Douglas fir this year. It'll be better."

"Last year's was a Scotch pine. I think that was part of the problem."

"I read an article that said Douglas firs are much stronger and hold the ornaments better. Scotch pines aren't as strong as Douglas firs."

"We've been over this. Because they're environmentally friendly, they're grown specifically for Christmas tree use, and they don't have a carbon footprint."

"Of course they're prickly. Those are real pine needles. They're supposed to be prickly."

"So don't vacuum them up. Pick them up by hand."

"Then get the kids to do it. Tell them Santa did it leaving their gifts."

"We'll put the big paint cloth down first."

"Because the artificial tree gave me a rash on my hands. I hated bending all those branches when we set it up. The only thing worse was taking it down again."

"Besides, I read somewhere that we would need to own an artificial tree for 14 years before there were actually any environmental benefits from it."

"We kept our last artificial tree for 10 years, and you thought it started looking shabby. That's why we got rid of it."

"You didn't? I thought you did. You said it was looking kind of pathetic. You said it looked like someone had stuck a bunch of green pipe cleaners on a stick, and it was looking kind of thin on top."

"We didn't know Cassie then."

"Look, let's just try another real tree this year, and we'll make sure we get a good one. You'll see. They smell good, and they'll remind you of your childhood."

"Thank you. You won't be disappointed."

"I really wasn't. I swear, it was the wind."


---
Like this post? Leave a comment, Digg it, or Stumble it.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide

TFBIHCAEEPTSD.

Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…

Understanding 7 Different Types of Humor

One of my pet peeves is when people say they have a "dry" sense of humor, without actually understanding what it actually means.

"Dry" humor is not just any old type of humor. It's not violent, not off-color, not macabre or dark.

Basically, dry humor is that deadpan style of humor. It's the not-very-funny joke your uncle the cost analysis accountant tells. It's Bob Newhart, Steven Wright, or Jason Bateman in Arrested Development.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

What Are They Thinking? The Beloit College Mindset List

Every year at this time, the staff at Beloit College send out their new student Mindset List as a way to make everyone clutch their chest and feel the cold hand of death.

This list was originally created and shared with their faculty each year, so the faculty would understand what some of their own cultural touchstones might mean, or not mean, to the incoming freshmen. They also wanted the freshmen to know it was not cool to refer to '80s music as "Oldies."

This year's incoming Beloit freshmen are typically 18 years old, born in 1999. John F. Kennedy Jr. died that year, as did Stanley Kubrick and Gene Siskel. And so did my hope for a society that sought artistic and intellectual pursuits for the betterment of all humanity. Although it may have actually died when I heard about this year's Emoji Movie.

Before I throw my hands up in despair, here are a few items from the Mindset list for the class of 2021.

They're the last class to be born in the 1900s, and are t…