Skip to main content

Wayback Wednesday: You Know, It's Just. . . "It"

You Know, It's Just. . . "It"



Every Wednesday, I republish old columns from years past. I've got 16 years of the things sitting in the garage, so they might as well serve some other purpose. This is one originally published in 2003. That's why Paula Abdul is still one of the judges.

RYAN: Welcome back to another episode of American Idol, where lots of pop superstar wannabes show their stuff to our panel of judges, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson, and Simon "Scowl" Cowell. Let's go inside the judges' room and see if we can find America's next American Idol.

PAULA: Hi, I'm Paula, and I'm speechless. Let's see, your name is, uhh, Lucy-Anno?

LUCIANO: It's Luciano. And I'm going to sing the aria from "Rigoletto."

(Luciano sings for 10 seconds)

PAULA: Wow, I'm speechless. I don't know what to say. I'm just stunned into complete silence. I mean I just can't think of anything to say.

RANDY: That wasn't bad. But I have to say, Lucy, you just don't have the . . . physique we're looking for in a pop star.

SIMON: Actually, aside from you being very fat, that was probably the worst thing I've ever heard.

LUCIANO: What?! I've been an opera singer for nearly 60 years.

SIMON: No, you've been deluding yourself for 60 years; you just don't have "It."

LUCIANO: "It?" What is "It?!" I'm Luciano freakin' Pavarotti. Maybe you've heard of me? I've sung all over the world for millions of people. I've given performances to kings, queens, and presidents.

RANDY: I'm sure you think so, but it's not happening here.

SIMON: Yes, you're the worst singer in the world. Get out.

PAULA: Thank you for coming. I'm speechless.

LUCIANO: Yeah, whatever.

RANDY: Let's see, next we have Bruce.

BRUCE: Hi, how ya' doin'? I'll be doing "Born to Run."

(Bruce sings for 10 seconds)

PAULA: Wow. I don't know what to say. I'm speechless. Mere words cannot describe what I'm feeling right now, so I'm just speechless. I don't even know how to begin to enunciate the emotions that I--

RANDY: You're a little old to be a pop singer, Bruce. And you just don't have "It." Sorry, man.

BRUCE: What do you mean, I don't have "It?" I've been a rock singer for 30 years!

SIMON: Then you should hire a lawyer and sue your music teacher. That was probably the worst thing I've ever heard. Your voice is too gritty and rough to make it in the music business.

BRUCE: Are you kidding me? I'm Bruce Springsteen. You know, "The Boss?" I've made 20 albums in 30 years, and I have my own band.

RANDY: Look, making some demo tapes on a $20 tape recorder does not constitute "an album." And just because you have your own band doesn't make you a singer. I've never heard of you.

SIMON: You're the worst singer in the entire world. Please go now.

PAULA: I've never heard of you either. Oh, and I'm speechless.

BRUCE: Bunch of know-nothing jerks.

PAULA: Okay, next we have . . . is it Oh-zee?

OZZY: Ozzy.

RANDY: What are you going to sing for us, Ozzy?

OZZY: Uh gunh sin "Crazy Train."

(Ozzy sings for 10 seconds)

PAULA: Speechless. I'm just speechless. Like the great French mime, Marcel Marceau, I simply do not have anything to say.

SIMON: That was absolutely, without a doubt, the worst thing I've ever heard. Oh, and you're the worst singer in the world.

RANDY: I don't know who you're supposed to be with all these tattoos and the long hair, but you're definitely not going to make it in the music business.

OZZY: What'rr ya talkin' 'bout. Ah'm a bluddy supestarrr.

RANDY: What? I can't understand a word you're saying. Look, you just don't have "It."

OZZY: "It?" Wha da "BLEEP" iz "It?"

SIMON: "It" is something you don't have. And you're the worst at not having "It."

OZZY: Luk, Ah'm Ozzy Osbourne. Ya kno, da Prinz uv effing Darknuss. Da Osbournes? Frum da telly. Wit Sharon and dose tu brats. I wuz in Black Sabbath.

PAULA: What's Black Sabbath? I don't think I've heard of that. Is that a bug spray?

SIMON: Listen, you're the worst singer in the -- oh, I already said that. Now get out.

OZZY: Buncha mineluss slogs wun't kno moozik frum uh fert.

PAULA: Buh-bye. I'm speechless!

SIMON: I wish you were speechless. You're the worst judge in the world. You just don't have "It."

PAULA: Yeah, well you're a pompous "BLEEP!"

RANDY: By the way, what is "It" anyway?

RYAN: Well, that's all we have time for on this week's American Idol. Be sure to join us next week when we search for the next. . . American Idol.


---
Like this post? Leave a comment, Digg it, or Stumble it.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide

TFBIHCAEEPTSD.

Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…

Understanding 7 Different Types of Humor

One of my pet peeves is when people say they have a "dry" sense of humor, without actually understanding what it actually means.

"Dry" humor is not just any old type of humor. It's not violent, not off-color, not macabre or dark.

Basically, dry humor is that deadpan style of humor. It's the not-very-funny joke your uncle the cost analysis accountant tells. It's Bob Newhart, Steven Wright, or Jason Bateman in Arrested Development.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

What Are They Thinking? The Beloit College Mindset List

Every year at this time, the staff at Beloit College send out their new student Mindset List as a way to make everyone clutch their chest and feel the cold hand of death.

This list was originally created and shared with their faculty each year, so the faculty would understand what some of their own cultural touchstones might mean, or not mean, to the incoming freshmen. They also wanted the freshmen to know it was not cool to refer to '80s music as "Oldies."

This year's incoming Beloit freshmen are typically 18 years old, born in 1999. John F. Kennedy Jr. died that year, as did Stanley Kubrick and Gene Siskel. And so did my hope for a society that sought artistic and intellectual pursuits for the betterment of all humanity. Although it may have actually died when I heard about this year's Emoji Movie.

Before I throw my hands up in despair, here are a few items from the Mindset list for the class of 2021.

They're the last class to be born in the 1900s, and are t…