A First Timer's Guide to Star Wars
A First Timer's Guide to Star WarsErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
"Shh, it's starting."
"It came out when I was nine years old."
"No, Sweetie, that was 33 years ago."
"Of course, we had movies back then! How else would you be watching it if we didn't have movies back then?"
"Doesn't it look like it's in color, Honey?"
"Jeez, you guys, I wasn't born in a cave. We had TV back then too."
"Well, I'm older than Mommy, so they had those same things when she was a little girl."
"This is episode 4. It's the first one of the series."
"Well, it goes episode 4, 5, and 6, and then 1, 2, and 3."
"I know that's out of order, Buddy."
"Because that's the way they made the movies."
"The first ones were called prequels."
"It's what happens before the main story. Just like a sequel is the second movie, the prequel is — well, it's a second movie, but they show what happened before the first movie."
"Because they didn't make it first. They want everyone to get interested in the main movie, and then they want to see what started it all."
"That's Princess Leia."
"Not Lee-ya, Lay-ya."
"What? I'm not being anal retentive about it. That's how her name is pronounced."
"Actually, no, I never had a crush on her."
"Farrah Fawcett and Kristy McNichol."
"Oh, knock it off. You liked Tom Selleck."
"Yeah, he was kind of hunky."
"No, Honey, I don't actually know what she's a princess of. I don't think they ever said."
"That's Darth Vader. He's the bad guy."
"No, Sweetie, I'm not telling you if he dies."
"Yes, Buddy, I know he's like your Star Wars figure. That's who they made the figure from."
"No seriously, you guys, the movie came out first, so they made the action figures as a way to make the movie more popular. Plus kids buy the action figures, which made George Lucas a kajillon dollars."
"More than I'll ever see."
"Yes, I had some action figures when I was a kid."
"Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, and R2-D2."
"No, not R2-B2. R2-D2"
"Well, R2 is the type of droid it is. I guess D2 is the model, maybe?"
"Like a car. Like Toyota Corolla or Scion XB or Dodge Neon."
"No, he's not a car."
"Well, there is a little guy sitting inside him, but they do that for the movie, not as a mode of transportation."
"Because you couldn't see. There's no window."
"No. They don't even sell R2-D2 cars."
"Can you guys just watch the movie? Save the questions for when Mommy's watching her favorite show."
"Yes, Buddy, they shut the garbage chute off in time."
"No, they're not dying."
"Okay, watch, this scene coming up was really creepy once you realized how they're related. They're — never mind, we'll find out in the third movie."
"I know, just don't worry about it. You'll understand it when you've seen them all."
"Woah, they changed it. They must have edited it for the new version."
"In the original version, she planted a big wet one on him before they swung to the other side of that chasm. Yeah, everyone freaked when we found out she was his — no, I can't say. I want the kids to watch it and figure out what's going on."
"I don't know what a womprat is, Honey. It's something two meters long that space punks shoot with blasters in their little space ships."
"No, he doesn't really take his reward and leave. Look, I'm not telling you what happens. Just watch it, and you'll see."
"Wasn't that great? Awesomest movie ever. At least until the next one."
"No, it's bed time. We'll watch it tomorrow."
"Good night. May the Farts be with you too, Buddy.
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