Skip to main content

I Need a Nap

I Need a Nap

Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2010

I'm a big napper. I need a nap to function, especially on Sundays. In fact, with my work schedule some days, I need a nap just to make it to dinner time. I'll come home from work, turn on the TV, and pretty soon, I'm snoring on the couch.

This nap will recharge my batteries enough that I can stay up until 2:00. Then I wake up around 7:00 the next morning, go to work, and start all over again, promising that tonight, for the first time in months, I will go to bed early.

Instead, I sleep in on Saturdays, which means I end up staying up until 2:00 again. Then, when I have to get up early for church on Sundays, I'm right back where I started. This explains why most atheists are so well-rested (the agnostics are never sure if they're tired or not).

This pattern makes Sunday afternoon naps crucial. If I don't get one, it throws my whole schedule off for the week, and I'm never quite refreshed.

I was never a napper when I was a little kid. I hated naps. I didn't need to sleep, didn't want to sleep, didn't try to sleep. Sometimes, when my mom thought I needed a nap, she would lay down with me on her bed, and fall asleep within five minutes. I would wait until she was out, and then ninja crawl out of her room, and back to my room where I played until she woke up an hour later, thinking I must have gotten up a few minutes before her.

As an adult, I love naps. I think they're wonderful. I would take one every day if I could, but unfortunately, I can't. But I sometimes manage a little spot nap after work.

There are several types of naps, which I try to enjoy.

There's the Watching TV On The Couch Nap. That one should last between 20 and 30 minutes, and can happen during any kind of television program (except sports). A good TV nap can last for an hour, but they're rare. However, it cannot happen before you go to bed. . .

Because that's the Right Before Bedtime Nap, which is not really a nap at all, but a head start on bedtime. I actually hate this one, because I'm too tired to want to brush my teeth, but too afraid of cavities to go straight to bed. This nap is often confused with the Watching TV Nap, but the fact that it leads into your regular sleep schedule disqualifies it from being a real nap at all.

The Bed Nap is rife with controversy. This is when you actually climb back into bed and sleep. But for how long? An hour, or is 20 minutes long enough? Can you sleep for two hours, or is that too long to be a proper nap? Should you change into your sleeping clothes, or can you wear your regular clothes? A Bed Nap should only be used in dire emergencies, like full recovery. It's the nap equivalent of bringing the ship into port for minor repairs.

The Sports Nap is also different from a TV nap, in that, the TV program and background noise is part of the napping experience. (A Sports Nap can also happen when sports are on the radio.) Regardless of the sport, I need the sounds of the game to fall asleep during a Sports Nap. It's also the best nap there is.

Taking a nap during a football game when the house is toasty, or during a baseball game when the house is cold from the AC, are precious moments. Moments that the non-napper will never know. I feel. . . prosperous when I can take a sports nap.

I even have a special talent that I can fall asleep halfway through the second quarter of a football game, sleep through halftime, and wake up halfway through the third quarter. I once did this on January 1st, 1993, during three different college bowl games in a row.

Some so-called napping experts may group the Sports Nap and Watching TV Nap in the same category, they couldn't be more wrong, especially because they get eight hours of sleep and never need naps. The real nappers, the purists, understand that these are two distinctly separate types of naps.

Napping is a true art form, and can truly only be appreciated by babies and people over 30. People who don't take naps are like those annoying people who carry backpacks of water when they run. They manage to suck the fun out of everything and completely miss the point at the same time.

I'll tell you how to deal with them later. Right now, I want to finish this column before I fall asl4%kvo87t54#&DJM<:*&


---
Like this post? Leave a comment, Digg it, or Stumble it.

Comments

  1. When I fall asleep at the keyboard, I usually type something like this, "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

    Jack

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was supposed to be my face mashing the keyboard. But I see what you're saying.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I am accepting comments from people with Google accounts to cut down on spam.
Otherwise, spam comments will be deleted with malicious glee.

Popular posts from this blog

AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide

TFBIHCAEEPTSD.

Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…

Understanding 7 Different Types of Humor

One of my pet peeves is when people say they have a "dry" sense of humor, without actually understanding what it actually means.

"Dry" humor is not just any old type of humor. It's not violent, not off-color, not macabre or dark.

Basically, dry humor is that deadpan style of humor. It's the not-very-funny joke your uncle the cost analysis accountant tells. It's Bob Newhart, Steven Wright, or Jason Bateman in Arrested Development.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

What Are They Thinking? The Beloit College Mindset List

Every year at this time, the staff at Beloit College send out their new student Mindset List as a way to make everyone clutch their chest and feel the cold hand of death.

This list was originally created and shared with their faculty each year, so the faculty would understand what some of their own cultural touchstones might mean, or not mean, to the incoming freshmen. They also wanted the freshmen to know it was not cool to refer to '80s music as "Oldies."

This year's incoming Beloit freshmen are typically 18 years old, born in 1999. John F. Kennedy Jr. died that year, as did Stanley Kubrick and Gene Siskel. And so did my hope for a society that sought artistic and intellectual pursuits for the betterment of all humanity. Although it may have actually died when I heard about this year's Emoji Movie.

Before I throw my hands up in despair, here are a few items from the Mindset list for the class of 2021.

They're the last class to be born in the 1900s, and are t…