Skip to main content

A Sports Writers' Slumber Party

A Sports Writers' Slumber Party

The players: Five sports writers, Sam, Chip, Tim, Len, and Max. The subject: Whether Peyton Manning will play for the Indianapolis Colts in 2012, or if he'll even play at all. The scene: Chip's basement, for a sports writers' slumber party.

SAM: O! M! G! you guys! I just heard that Peyton and Jim are breaking up!

OTHERS: What?! Where did you hear that?

SAM: It was on Jim's Facebook page. He changed his relationship status to "It's complicated."

TIM: Oh nooooooo! They were the perfect couple! They did everything for each other. Peyton gave Jim a ring, and Jim gave Peyton a whole stadium! This is going to be such a downer for the entire league!

CHIP: Don't read too much into that. Jim's always doing crazy stuff like that. Knowing him it just means he want to see other quarterbacks. Peyton's his one true love.

MAX: What, an open relationship like Newt Gingrich wanted with his second wife?

ALL: EWWWWW!!!!!

LEN: Personally, I think they've needed to break up all along. I've been telling everyone it's time for them to move on.

CHIP: Len, you're always such a downer.

MAX: Hey you guys, does this Jeff Saturday jersey make me look fat?

SAM: You are fat, Max. You weigh, like, 300 pounds.

MAX: Jerk! Your hair is falling out!

LEN: No, it's true. I had a chance to talk to Peyton a couple weeks ago—

TIM: Name dropper.

LEN: Shut up, Tim! You never even played football!

SAM: Actually, none of us did.

LEN: Can I please finish? Like I was saying, I was talking to Peyton a couple weeks ago, and he said it was hard to be around the facility, because all his friends were leaving. He said he didn't feeling like he was getting better.

TIM: I was talking to Jim a couple days ago—

LEN: Now who's the name dropper?

TIM: Now who's interrupting? Anyway, I was talking to Jim and he said he wasn't going to talk about it to anyone. Not even me, and I've known him longer than anyone here.

LEN: No you haven't. Me and Max have known him for almost 30 years.

TIM: Nuh-uh. I met Jim a couple years after he came to Indianapolis.

MAX: So? We met him when he got here with his dad in 1984.

TIM: Oh, uh. I meant I met him when he was still in Baltimore.

MAX: We're getting really tired of your crap, Tim! Stop trying to be bigger than you are! You're such a dweeb!

TIM: Oh yeah? Big talk from someone who got cut as the water boy from the girls' basketball team.

SAM: Cut it out, you guys!

CHIP: Yeah, come on. This isn't the time for us to be fighting. We need to be united on this.

MAX: You know, I was watching Eli at Media Day on Tuesday, and I think he knows what's really going on. He slipped and referred to Peyton's career in Indy in the past tense.

SAM: No way! What'd he say?!

MAX: You can see the video on NFL.com. He said, and I quote, "(w)e'll look back on the fact that we played in a Super Bowl in Peyton’s, in the town he played his NFL, uh, you know, plays for the Colts and we’ll look on that later."

ALL: Ooooooooooh!

SAM: But it doesn't make sense. Everyone keeps asking them about it, and they keep saying that everything is fine, and they're happy, and they're only working through some personal issues.

LEN: You mean, like Demi and Ashton?

SAM: *gasp*

LEN: Or Heidi Klum and Seal?

SAM: *GASP!*

LEN: Or like—

SAM: Stop it! Stop it! I don't want to talk about this anymore.

CHIP Cut it out, you guys! We have to stay strong. For Peyton and Jim! For the whole NFL. If they break up, I don't know what I'll do!

MAX: I heard Jim do the same thing yesterday on the NFL Network. He said, "we've HAD a great relationship." Then he said "no one knows what exactly is going to happen."

ALL: O! M! G!

MAX: You guys! What are we going to do?!

TIM: What can we do?

CHIP: Can't we talk to them? Tell them how it important it is for the whole league that they stay together?

LEN: I know them both pretty well. I could—

MAX: Yeah, right. You know neither of them like you, right?

SAM: I think we just have to let them figure this out on their own. We should just let them have their space, talk about their feelings on their own, and figure out if they truly want to be with each other.

TIM: No way!

MAX: Yeah, no way!

LEN: Yeah, it's a lot more fun trying to figure out what they're doing and gossiping about it every day.

Shouts of "you bet" and "awesome!" fill the basement as the five sports writers make plans for the summer and then have a pillow fight.


My book, Branding Yourself: How to Use Social Media to Invent or Reinvent Yourself (affiliate link), is available on Amazon.com, as well as at Barnes & Noble and Borders bookstores. I wrote it with my good friend, Kyle Lacy.

My NEW book, No Bullshit Social Media: The All-Business, No-Hype Guide to Social Media Marketing is also out. You can get it from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million in October, or get it for the Kindle or Nook.


---
Like this post? Leave a comment, Digg it, or Stumble it.

Comments

  1. OMG that is the funniest damn thing I have read! I love your style!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you, Hazel! I appreciate it.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I am accepting comments from people with Google accounts to cut down on spam.
Otherwise, spam comments will be deleted with malicious glee.

Popular posts from this blog

AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide

TFBIHCAEEPTSD.

Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…

Understanding 7 Different Types of Humor

One of my pet peeves is when people say they have a "dry" sense of humor, without actually understanding what it actually means.

"Dry" humor is not just any old type of humor. It's not violent, not off-color, not macabre or dark.

Basically, dry humor is that deadpan style of humor. It's the not-very-funny joke your uncle the cost analysis accountant tells. It's Bob Newhart, Steven Wright, or Jason Bateman in Arrested Development.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

What Are They Thinking? The Beloit College Mindset List

Every year at this time, the staff at Beloit College send out their new student Mindset List as a way to make everyone clutch their chest and feel the cold hand of death.

This list was originally created and shared with their faculty each year, so the faculty would understand what some of their own cultural touchstones might mean, or not mean, to the incoming freshmen. They also wanted the freshmen to know it was not cool to refer to '80s music as "Oldies."

This year's incoming Beloit freshmen are typically 18 years old, born in 1999. John F. Kennedy Jr. died that year, as did Stanley Kubrick and Gene Siskel. And so did my hope for a society that sought artistic and intellectual pursuits for the betterment of all humanity. Although it may have actually died when I heard about this year's Emoji Movie.

Before I throw my hands up in despair, here are a few items from the Mindset list for the class of 2021.

They're the last class to be born in the 1900s, and are t…