A One-Sided Conversation About Life

"I want the red car."

"Because my real car's red."

"Fine, Buddy, you can be the red car. I'll be the blue car."

"Seriously? What color is left?"

"I am not going to be the pink car."

"Give me the yellow one."

"Sweetie, spin the wheel. Highest score goes first."

"A 9 is going to be pretty hard to beat. All I need is a 10."

"Wait, did I say highest goes first? I meant lowest."

"Okay, fine. Highest goes."

"I'll go to college. College grads make more."

"But there are some careers you can only have if you have a college degree."

"Yes, just like real life."

"That's why they called it that, Buddy."

"Honey, are you going to college or straight to a career?"

"No, a gap year is not an option."

"You may not have a sports car."

"Not a game one either."

"There is no thimble in Life. That's Monopoly."

"What? I'm not yelling. I'm being—"

"Yes, I know it's only a game."

"Alright, everybody calm down. This is family game night, so everyone have fun, dammit!"

"Who's turn is it?"

"Already? Okay, lucky 7. 'Study for finals. Miss a turn.' Ha, that's funny. Doesn't sound like me in college at—"

"What? I really didn't study very — uh, that is, I mean, yes, I studied and worked hard every day, just like we want you kids to do, and I never stayed up late to watch TV or drank beer during the week, and I certainly never stayed up all night to cram before my tests."

"I need to choose my career card."

"A police officer?! Woo-hoo!"

"Because any time anyone rolls a 10, they have to pay me $5,000."

"That's a traffic fine, not a bribe."

"Because it's the rules and they don't make any bills smaller than $5,000."

"Look, the chief says we're not going to get new squad cars if we don't raise another $200,000 by the end of the month. So he's riding all the patrols extra hard to generate some more ticket revenue."

"I'm just trying to get into the spirit of the game."

"Buddy, don't make your car crash on the Life road."

"That's not how you get rid of family members."

"Because you shouldn't want to get rid of your family."

"You're 10. How do you even know about shotgun weddings?"

"Yeah, you're not watching that show anymore."

"Honey, you got an 8, you can keep going."

"I don't care what the board says. You don't really have to stop."

"Who says she has to stop and get married?"

"Skipping marriage is optional."

"Especially for the girls."

"Because you girls don't need to get married. You don't need a man to make you happy. You can find your own happiness on your own."

"But Mommy chose me. That's different."

"Fine, you can get married if you want to."

"I don't like that peg. He looks a little shady to me."

"No, make him sit in the back!"

"I am not being unreasonable."

"Fine, he can sit where he wants."

"Your turn."

"Cool, a 10! That'll be $5,000, please."

"I am not on the take!"

"Look, if it was a bribe, I'd demand $10,000. So, quit calling me a dirty cop."

"Oh yeah? How many real doctors actually get paid $30,000 to fix someone's leg after a skiing accident? That's worth $5K, tops."

"Maybe if you had paid better attention in college, you would have been something besides a salesperson."

"I don't care if you make $100,000, that's just the luck of the draw. You should have worked harder. Then maybe you could have been an accountant or even an entertainer."

"Well, if I'm a dirty cop, you're an unethical salesperson. How about that? Maybe I ought to check the back of your car and see exactly what you've been 'selling' all this time. Would you like that?"

"I don't need a warrant. You've got a smashed taillight, and you were driving erratically. I think you had a little too much to drink at your wedding."

"Oh yeah, well, let's just take a little trip downtown and see what we can figure out with some bright lights and a rubber hose. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200."

"Sorry, that was Monopoly. This is Life."

The second edition of Branding Yourself: How to Use Social Media to Invent or Reinvent Yourself (affiliate link), is now available. I wrote it with my good friend, Kyle Lacy.

My other book, No Bullshit Social Media: The All-Business, No-Hype Guide to Social Media Marketing is also out.

You can get both of them from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million in October, or for the Kindle or Nook.


Like this post? Leave a comment, Digg it, or Stumble it.