Skip to main content

Political Roundup 2012

It's been a crazy two years, but the 2012 presidential campaign is now over, much to the relief of everyone in the country with the possible exception of political operatives and TV station owners in battleground states.

Everyone already knows what happened, despite Karl Rove's best attempts to derail Fox News calling the Ohio results, and the subsequent on-air dope slap by Megyn Kelly, there were a few things you may not have heard about on Tuesday night.

While we watched President Obama become the president again, he managed to do it at all without Florida. Despite their best efforts to be relevant this year, Florida instead came off like a beauty pageant mom reminding everyone how she had been a pageant queen herself.

First, it was the voting — the last votes were cast at 1:30 am, long after Mitt Romney had delivered his concession speech. People waiting in line already knew the result, and so had no reason to vote.

Not that it mattered. Miami-Dade vote counters went home sometime around midnight, saying they were tired and didn't want to count anymore.

That's okay, the rest of the country is waiting for your results to see who the next president is, but, you know, whatever. You do what you want. We'll wait. No, really, go ahead. Yeah, none of the rest of the country got up at 4 a.m. to — No! No! You know what? That's bush league! That's total BS! The rest of this country has been up for the last 16 hours getting their stuff done, and you guys can't be bothered to count because you're a wittle sweepy?

Rhode Island has been here since 4:30 this morning, setting up chairs and making sure there were plenty of paper towels. Virginia stayed and counted until 2:00 in the morning. And Indiana got all their work done so they were finished by 8:00. Did this day catch you by surprise or something?

Finally, 48 hours after it all began, the votes were all counted, Obama won Florida, and the Romney campaign had to make another concession statement to the press, even though it interrupted their cupcake farewell party.

In stoner news, voters in Colorado and Washington said "wow, yeah, man" to recreational marijuana use, and then asked if you had ever really looked at your thumb.

Colorado and Washington became the first states to break the recreational marijuana prohibition, making it legal for anyone over 21 to possess up to an ounce of pot. In Colorado, people will be able to grow up to six plants for personal use, while in Washington, users will have to buy their weed from state-licensed providers.

These new developments have given rise to new ways of thinking for each state. For example, for their new state song, Colorado has selected Cheech and Chong's "Dave's Not Here." Meanwhile, Washington has declared their official state snack to be Cool Ranch Doritos.

In sore loser news, entertainment and real estate buffoon Donald Trump called for a revolution after Obama's victory, convinced that an angry uprising — a revolution, he said — in our nation's capital was the solution to a democratic election that didn't go his way.

"He lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a revolution in this country!" read one of Trump's tweets. Trump later deleted that tweet after Obama finally did win the popular vote by nearly 3 million votes.

And also forgetting that the same thing happened 12 years ago. And 124 years ago. And 136 years ago. And 188 years ago.

Also, his call for revolution was pretty drastic. If he had been a Democrat, you can be sure that Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity would have called him treasonous. But Trump figured deleting his tweets meant they never really happened, like a little kid hides his eyes to hide from his parents.

Of course, when you realize he thinks his hair style actually hides his baldness, that actually makes sense.

"Lets (sic) fight like hell and stop this great and disgusting injustice! The world is laughing at us," said another tweet.

No, they're only laughing at you, Donald. Of course, that's not a new state of affairs, since you've been a joke ever since you burst onto the public scene, like a pimple of pomposity.

This year will long be remembered as an important election year, showing that billionaires' money could not buy an election. That voter suppression and disenfranchisement could not keep voters from exercising their right. And that no matter how angry politics seems to make most people, there's still plenty of humor to be found in them too.

After all, the only problem with political jokes is that many of them get elected.

The second edition of Branding Yourself: How to Use Social Media to Invent or Reinvent Yourself (affiliate link), is now available. I wrote it with my good friend, Kyle Lacy.

My other book, No Bullshit Social Media: The All-Business, No-Hype Guide to Social Media Marketing is also out.

You can get both of them from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million in October, or for the Kindle or Nook.


Like this post? Leave a comment, Digg it, or Stumble it.


Popular posts from this blog

AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide


Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…

Understanding 7 Different Types of Humor

One of my pet peeves is when people say they have a "dry" sense of humor, without actually understanding what it actually means.

"Dry" humor is not just any old type of humor. It's not violent, not off-color, not macabre or dark.

Basically, dry humor is that deadpan style of humor. It's the not-very-funny joke your uncle the cost analysis accountant tells. It's Bob Newhart, Steven Wright, or Jason Bateman in Arrested Development.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

What Are They Thinking? The Beloit College Mindset List

Every year at this time, the staff at Beloit College send out their new student Mindset List as a way to make everyone clutch their chest and feel the cold hand of death.

This list was originally created and shared with their faculty each year, so the faculty would understand what some of their own cultural touchstones might mean, or not mean, to the incoming freshmen. They also wanted the freshmen to know it was not cool to refer to '80s music as "Oldies."

This year's incoming Beloit freshmen are typically 18 years old, born in 1999. John F. Kennedy Jr. died that year, as did Stanley Kubrick and Gene Siskel. And so did my hope for a society that sought artistic and intellectual pursuits for the betterment of all humanity. Although it may have actually died when I heard about this year's Emoji Movie.

Before I throw my hands up in despair, here are a few items from the Mindset list for the class of 2021.

They're the last class to be born in the 1900s, and are t…