One-Sided Conversation With My Computer

"Turn on Speak-To-Text."

"No, not Sprinkle Tattoos, Speak-To-Text! Is Sprinkle Tattoos even a thing?"

"Cancel search."

"Stupid computer, I said turn on Speak-To-Text!"

"No, do not call Sparkle Twinks!"

"Because I don't even know who that is."

"No, I do not want to call my mother!"

"I know I called her last week."


"Speak-To— never mind. Open email."

"Open! Email!"

"Jeez, I can't believe how hard this— no, do not email Jesus."

"Email Paul."

"Not the Apostle. How'd he even get in my contacts?"

"Email Paul."

"Next one."

"Next one."


"Okay, write. 'Hey, Paul, wanted to see if you got those photos I sent you last—'"

"I didn't say send! Stupid computer."

"Email Paul."

"'Paul, sorry about that. I'm trying to use my voice recognition program to write this email, but the stupid thing doesn't seem to understand me. You got my last message before I was done because the program thought I wanted to send—dammit!'"


"Paul, 'I'm going to try this one more time. I'm trying to use this #&@% Speak-To-Text program on my computer, but it seems to hate me. Every time I say, uh, the word that means to process my messages, it actually executes the command."

"'Anyway, I wanted to see if you received those photos I, uh, delivered electronically to you last week. If you want me to print any—"

"No, don't print!"

"Don't print that either!"

"Stop printing things!"

"Please, just stop."

"Crap, and now delete those last four sentences."

"Not everything, just the sentences about printing."

"Cancel print!"

"Forget it, I'm just going to call him."

"Call Paul."

"No, not Sparkle Twinks."

"We've been over this. Not her either."

"Because I talked to her last week."

"Since when did a computer start worrying about who I call? What are you, my conscience?"

"Cancel search for Jiminy Cricket."

"I don't want to wish upon a star either."

"I just want to email my friend Paul."

"What do you mean you can't do that? And my name's not Dave."

"Let me just call Paul."

"Open FaceTime."

"Open FaceTime."


"Forget it. I'll just do it myself. Where's my cell phone?"

"Oh no, it's too late for that."

"Uh-uh. You had your chance, buster. With your premature sending and your printing and stupid Sparkle Twinks. "

"Don't call her. I don't even know who that is."

"No, I do not want to see pictures of kitties."

"You know what? Shut yourself off. I'll drive over to his house. I just need the direct—dammit!"

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