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Don't Tell Mom: A One-Sided Conversation About Dinner

"Dinner's ready!"


"What do you mean, what else? We don't need anything else tonight."

"It's a superfood."

"Uh, in an article."


"I did."

"Just because it was something I wrote in a humor article does not negate the fact that I found an article that said bacon was a superfood."

"Vegetables?! Why would you want vegetables?"

"But Mom's not here, is she?"

"Get some fruit then."

"Does she let you complain about what she makes?"

"Then quit griping about the bacon."

"No making faces either."

"Do you want me to eat yours?"

"Nothing. You'll eat in the morning."

"Fine, I'll make some vegetables. How about this?"

"French fries are too a vegetable."

"They're made from potatoes. Potatoes grow in the ground, just like carrots and Brussels sprouts. Therefore, French fries are vegetables."

"That's my boy. Just don't tell Mom."

"Now what about you two? Are you on Team French Fry?"

"Don't call her!"

"Because she's, uh, busy. On her trip."

"Otherwise she'll remind me about it every time she leaves town again. Or she'll never leave town."

"That's right, Buddy, no more bacon dinners."

"Fine, I'll make one."

"Egg or potato?"

"Those are too salads!"

"And chicken salad. Thanks, dude."

"Alright, with lettuce."

"Tomatoes too."

"You guys want pancakes for breakfast the day after tomorrow?"

"Because it's Saturday. We always have pancakes on Saturday."

"We usually do, but I didn't want to wait until Saturday. I was in the mood for it tonight."

"If you'd like, I can cook a pound tonight and the other pound on Saturday. Might as well, since SOME PEOPLE want to fill up on salad."

"So, how about instead of regular pancakes, I make chocolate pancakes."

"I know, right? Thanks, dude."

"And how about, instead of regular pancakes, I make thick pancakes."

"Really thick."

"About this big."

"In the oven, on 350, for 45 minutes."

"I could even put a special chocolate syrup on it. It's so thick you have to put it on with a knife."

"Well, I suppose some people call it that, but only those who don't know any better."

"Fine, we won't have it for breakfast! Jeez, you girls aren't any fun. Who taught you all this stuff anyway?"

"But she's not even here."

"What do you mean, 'meal plan?' Let me see that."

"Why would anyone list out an entire week's menu?"

"Yeah, after 20 years, you do start to learn each other's habits."

"Well, I already called an audible on the bacon, so that takes care of tonight."

"No, I won't forget the verkakte salad!"

"That's, uh, Yiddish."

"For, uhh, things I. . . probably shouldn't say in front of your guys. Don't tell Mom."


"Because I don't negotiate with blackmailers."

"Go ahead and tell her then. Who's she going to believe, three little kids, or her beloved husband of 20 years?"

"Yeah okay, but only until 12. Then you have to go to bed."

"Because it's a school night."

"Home schoolers need their sleep too."

"What do you want to do tomorrow?"

"No, it's not windy enough."

"I don't even know where it is."

"Ooh, how about we get a falcon instead?! They're just as good as a kite."

"Raw chicken, raw beef. They're also partial to chocolate cake, but apparently we won't have any available."

"No, I'm sure they hate bacon."

"Great. I'll make some calls in the morning. Just don't tell Mom."

The second edition of Branding Yourself: How to Use Social Media to Invent or Reinvent Yourself (affiliate link), and No Bullshit Social Media: The All-Business, No-Hype Guide to Social Media Marketing are both available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million, or for the Kindle or Nook. My latest book, The Owned Media Doctrine is now available on

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