Are You Ready to Celebrate September?

By the time you read this, it will be September, and fall will be just around the corner. September, like every month, is filled with commemorative days, special weeks, and month-long celebrations. And when you've got a deadline to meet just a few days before the month begins, what better way to celebrate and meet your contractual obligations than looking at all these special days?

It's unusual for me to write this before September even begins, because I'm usually a few days late for this kind of thing, which is why Be Late for Something Day (September 5th) is my day. The planners probably meant to have it on the 1st, but didn't get their act together in time.

It's Fight Procrastination Day on the 7th, and I should probably make some joke about celebrating later, but that's too predictable, so I'll skip it. You can thank me on the 21st, when it's World Gratitude Day.

September is both International Square Dancing Month and Self-Improvement Month, which, I think if you celebrate one, you're not allowed to celebrate the other.

And now that I've managed to offend both square dancers and the self-help crowd, let me tell you about Pardon Day on the 8th. It's the day where we seek forgiveness where it's needed. It's the day we say "pardon me" or "excuse me" or "I'm sorry, I was just going for a cheap joke. Please don't do an angry clog dance in front of my house."

For those of you who don't want to celebrate Self-Improvement Month, but instead see September as I Have An Empty Hole In My Life Self-Loathing Month, there are plenty of comfort food days for you. There's Cream-Filled Donut Day on the 14th, Chocolate Milkshake Day and National Cheeseburger Day on the 12th and 18th respectively.

September is also Better Breakfast Month, and with a donut, a chocolate milkshake, and a cheeseburger, breakfast can't get any better. Well, almost. International Bacon Day is always the Saturday before Labor Day (September 1), which means it's August 30 this year, and we missed it by thismuch for September.

In the spirit of Be Late For Something Day, we could just celebrate International Bacon Day whenever we felt like it this month.

For dessert, it's National Apple Dumpling Day on the 17th, National Butterscotch Pudding Day on the 19th, and Cherries Jubilee Day on the 24th followed by Tell Me What Cherries Jubilee Are Day on the 25th. The 26th is No Seriously, I Don't Know What Cherries Jubilee Are Day.

And don't let me forget Cheese Pizza Day on the 5th, which is followed by Why Even Bother? Day and Seriously, Who Doesn't Like Pepperoni? Day.

Speaking of apples and apple dumplings, it's Johnny Appleseed Day on the 26th. As every good Hoosier knows, Jonathan Chapman may have spent a lot of time in Ohio, but his remaining years were in and around the Fort Wayne area. According to local legend, he's even buried in Fort Wayne in Johnny Appleseed Park, although the organizers of the Johnny Appleseed Festival (the third weekend of September) say that no one is entirely sure where he's buried. But I won't argue the point too loudly, since September is also National Courtesy Month.

For all you working families, it's Working Parents Day on the 16th. And just like every year, we would have celebrated, but we were too tired when we got home. So we heated up some Spaghetti-O's for everyone and fell asleep on the couch watching TV.

For those of you who want to be historically accurate when getting hammered while celebrating other cultures' holidays, you should know that September 16th is the actual day of Mexican Independence, and not May 5th, or Cinco de Mayo, a day where many Americans celebrate their misunderstanding of history by wearing giant sombreros and drink Corona "beer." May 5th actually celebrates Mexico's victory over the French army at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

In what may be one of the only French military victories, the French army re-defeated the Mexicans and installed Emperor Maximilian on April 10, 1864, yet, no one puts on black berets or drinks cheap red wine on that day. Maybe we should celebrate Surprising French Military Victory Day next April.

If you have any other great ideas for celebratory days in September, let me hear from you. But you'd better hurry, because the deadline is September 10th, which is Swap Ideas Day.

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