Skip to main content

A One-Sided Conversation About Moving

"Remember, Buddy, lift with your legs, not with your back."

"That's still not funny."

"Because it wasn't funny the first fifty times it."

"Because you're already lifting with your hands. Saying it 49 more times doesn't make it funnier, it just means I'm making you carry more stuff."

"Because you could injure your back and end up with chronic back pain."

"I wouldn't have to repeat myself if you would just do it right the first time."

"I do not! I lift with my legs just like — blurg! I can't squat down that low."


"I don't care how old he is, Michael Jordan isn't here to help us move, is he?"

"I'll bet he can't squat that low either. The guy's so tall, he probably gets the bends if he stands up too quick."

"What's he going to do, dunk it onto the truck?"

"Just lift it up."

"Turn left. No, left. I want you to go backward."

"Your other left."

"That's your right."

"That's still your right."

"Stop, stop, stop. Set it down."

"Because my back hurts."

"Because I can't squat as low as you can. My knees are worse than my back."

"What? I didn't shout at him. I said stop."

"Because when I wanted him to turn left, he went right."

"Fine. Dude, when we pick up the couch, head toward the front door."

"Just watch your feet and stay on the sidewalk."

"Because the younger lifter always goes backward."

"It's in the rules."

"My rules."

"I, uh, packed them in the truck already."

"Dude, you're just going to go backward. Deal with it."

"Because I always went backward when I was younger. Now that I'm the senior mover, I don't have to go backward."

"Fine. She'll agree with me though."

"Wait, wait. Let's finish moving the couch out before you go tatt— I mean, tell her."

"Yes, backward."

"See, it's not so bad. You get to guide the speed and direction."

"I'm guiding from the back. It's part of your apprenticeship."

"Until you have your own house to move."

"You get to boss your own kids around, that's what."

"No, I'm not helping you then."

"I'll be busy that day."

"A friend's house for dinner. It's on the calendar."

"I'll find some new friends. Bottom line, I'm not helping you move then."

"Because I'll be 60 and I won't feel like it. Besides, if you're thinking about moving in here after college, you've got another think coming."

"Set it down right here, and scoot it in place. Mom will fit it in place just right."

"I can lift heavier things than she can, but she has better spatial skills than I do. It comes from her playing all that Tetris."

"No, 'spatial,' as in being able to perceive things in space."

"We may live in Indiana, but we don't talk like that."

"Short 'e' sound, like bet or feather. As in, 'I bet these boxes would feel as light as a feather if you would lift with your legs and not your back.'"

"Let's just get some boxes. Mom can stack them next to the couch."

"With your legs, Buddy! Your legs."

"Like this. Watch. You just crouch down and — $#&!"

"No, I didn't actually do it, I just said it."

"Dude, quit laughing, it wasn't that funny. Just go get your mother, please."

"What did he tell you?"

"No, I did not do that in my pants."

"I said it because I injured myself."

"Because he's got the humor of a 12 year old. Look at him, he's still laughing."

"What's in there, your anvil collection?"

"Well, it made me hurt my back."

"No, I just need a few minutes. Give me some Motrin and let me sit on the couch, and I'll be fine."

"You go on ahead. I'll be right there. I just need to. . . . *snnnnkkkkk*

You can find my books Branding Yourself (affiliate link), No Bullshit Social Media, and The Owned Media Doctrine on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million, or for the Kindle or Nook.


Popular posts from this blog

AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide


Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…

Understanding 7 Different Types of Humor

One of my pet peeves is when people say they have a "dry" sense of humor, without actually understanding what it actually means.

"Dry" humor is not just any old type of humor. It's not violent, not off-color, not macabre or dark.

Basically, dry humor is that deadpan style of humor. It's the not-very-funny joke your uncle the cost analysis accountant tells. It's Bob Newhart, Steven Wright, or Jason Bateman in Arrested Development.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

What Are They Thinking? The Beloit College Mindset List

Every year at this time, the staff at Beloit College send out their new student Mindset List as a way to make everyone clutch their chest and feel the cold hand of death.

This list was originally created and shared with their faculty each year, so the faculty would understand what some of their own cultural touchstones might mean, or not mean, to the incoming freshmen. They also wanted the freshmen to know it was not cool to refer to '80s music as "Oldies."

This year's incoming Beloit freshmen are typically 18 years old, born in 1999. John F. Kennedy Jr. died that year, as did Stanley Kubrick and Gene Siskel. And so did my hope for a society that sought artistic and intellectual pursuits for the betterment of all humanity. Although it may have actually died when I heard about this year's Emoji Movie.

Before I throw my hands up in despair, here are a few items from the Mindset list for the class of 2021.

They're the last class to be born in the 1900s, and are t…