What Exactly Are the Best Words?

Donald Trump seems to think anything and everything is for sale. Jokes about his presidential campaign aside, the Orange One seems to think the world is his oyster, and the parts of it he hasn't plated in gold yet aren't worth owning.

A few weeks ago, Trump tried to tell us he's a collector of words, a veritable word aficionado. But not just any old words. He doesn't just have piles of them under a tarp behind his garage. He's not satisfied with having your everyday, run-of-the-mill words.

No, Trump has the best words.

As he explained it, "I went to an Ivy League school. I'm very highly educated. I know words, I have the best words."

Of course, if I wanted to be picky, I would point out that people with the best words typically don't use "very" with other strong adjectives. I wouldn't say a person is "very enormous" or that broccoli is "very awful" (although it is). So I would hope someone who is "very highly educated" wouldn't actually say "very highly."

But I'm not being picky, so I'l let that one slide.

On the other hand, I have managed to amass my own collection of words, even without going to a fancy Ivy League school. They may not be gold-plated words like the ones Trump has amassed, but they're still useful words. And I know how to use them correctly.

What are Trump's best words? What are the words he's so proud of using and sharing with his supporters? I imagine they must be beautiful, eloquent, multi-syllabic words that not only mean beautiful things, but are pleasing to the ear as well.

For example, "cellar door" is thought to be one of the most beautiful sounding words, as long as you separate sound from semantics. That is, don't worry about what it means, just listen to how it sounds. Some companies have even used the name "Selladora" as a way to capitalize on the sounds while avoiding the creepy factor.

So if the Cheeto-in-Chief says he has the best words, they must really be stellar. Like this.

Several weeks ago, at a campaign rally in South Carolina, Trump told his supporters what he thought of the U.S. State Department and their efforts to bring peace to Syria.


That's it? "Stupid?" That's your best Ivy League word?

Apparently yes. As he told the crowd, "I'm telling you, I used to use the word incompetent. Now I just call them stupid. I went to an Ivy League school. I'm very highly educated. I know words, I have the best words. . . but there is no better word than stupid. Right?"

Then, he capped off his claim with this little gem:

"There is none, there is none. There's no, there's no, there's no word like that."

Donald Trump just summed up the essence of Donald Trump in that one quote: "I believe I have the best of something everyone else has, and I can do it better than everyone else, except I, except I, except I really can't."

I can't tell from the transcript whether Trump was rapping or just stumbling over his words. Maybe he got distracted, because he didn't want to slip and use all the best words in a single speech.

I mean, once you throw out a crown jewel like "stupid," you might get overexcited, and waste other best words, like "booger face."

If Trump really wants the best words, he'd drop a billion dollars on fellow famous best-words-haver, Kanye West. You may remember a few weeks ago, when Kanye asked tech billionaires Mark Zuckerberg and Larry Case to invest $1 billion in Kanye, to help him create a lot of new ideas, like more failed clothing lines and a luxury goods search engine (presumably spelled G$$gle).

So why doesn't the Orange One lay out a billion dollars on Yeezy and see what kinds of best words they can come up with together? Kanye may have a complete and utter lack of business savvy, but you have to admit, he's gotten successful by what he can do with his words.

They may not even be the best words — he probably had to sell a lot of those to cover his $53 million debt — but a good carpenter can still build a masterpiece with poor tools.

Together, Kanye and Trump can come up with a few more best words to finish out this presidential election.

Although "stupid" may be hard to beat.

Photo credit: Caricature by Donkey Hotey (Flickr, Creative Commons)

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