Skip to main content

Graduation Speech to a Driving School

Every May, I like to write a Graduation Speech I'll Never Give. This year's speech is to the graduates of the A1 Driving School of Lincoln Park, IL.

Good morning graduates of the A1 Driving and Traffic School, family members, and faculty. Er, that is, Mr. Lewis "Big Lou" Polnachek. It is my distinct honor and privilege to speak to you after what has been a grueling six weeks.

And I have to applaud you, graduates. I was speaking with Mr. Poln — Oh, sorry. I was speaking with Big Lou, and he was sharing some of your stories.

(No, Big Lou, I did not put on the t-shirt. We discussed this. I wear a coat and tie when I give these speeches, not an A1 t-shirt. Fine, 50 bucks.)

As I was saying, Lou talked to me about how each of you have overcome hardship and adversity to arrive at this big day. And they're inspirational stories indeed.

For example, many of you know Skylar's story, and how he managed to get, not two, not three, but FIVE speeding tickets in just six short months. But after putting Big Lou's lessons into practice, Skylar now knows how to jam up traffic cameras, avoid speed traps, and evade police.

I don't think that's really wise, Skylar. Just, you know, ease up on the gas.

And there's Kendal, who managed to get into two accidents on the same weekend when she got a new Jeep, took it out for a spin by the old reservoir, and got into her first one. So she took it home, took her husband's pickup out, and crashed it in the church playground, which is how she picked up her second — wait, where's he going? Seriously? I'm sorry, Kendal. I didn't know. Why would you tell him it was stolen? No, I'm sure he'll be back.

I'm sure many of you are pleased to see Officer Bartkowiak — No? Excited? Happy? Wait, that looks like murderous rage — uh, Officer Bartkowiak, whose seemingly random speed traps have led many of you to the A1 Driving and Traffic School.

But Big Lou and Bart had some great stories earlier, from when they grew up in the old neighborhood where they — what, Big Lou? There's something on my throat? No, my throat doesn't itch, I feel — Oh, I see.

Well, no matter how bad school was, at least you didn't have it as bad as the AAAA School of Driving. I hear they were shut down by both the DMV and Department of Animal Health. And thanks to his generosity, Big Lou has said he will give a 20% discount to all AAAA School of Driving students if they transfer to A1 within the next two weeks.

Anyway, graduates, as I look out at your faces, I can see a bag of mixed emotions. Many of you are happy to be leaving this place. Some of you are sad, some of you are excited. Dangerous Dave's face seems to be mostly self-righteous indignation. Just remember, Dangerous Dave, you can't drive slow in the left lane, no matter what the speed limit says. You're not the highway monitor.

Many of you have formed strong friendships that will last a lifetime. For example, Mrs. Bennett — excuse me, the former Mrs. Bennett — and Skylar have struck up a wonderful friendship. From what I've heard, Ms. Bennett gives Skylar a ride home every week, and that the two of them have struck up quite the — er, I mean, they've become good friends.

For some of you, however, this day is more of a class reunion. You must really love the place. Big Lou told me that both Debbie and Meth Head Mike have been here four times. Each. Seriously, you two, I think you have a bigger problem than just bad driving. I'll just leave you some pamphlets.

Finally, as you leave the A1 Driving and Traffic School, I would urge you all to practice the lessons you've learned here. Embrace them. Absorb them. Make them a part of your daily driving habits. Or at least stay the hell out of my neighborhood.

And I would encourage you to remember the spirit of cautious driving and safe living, as expressed in the school's venerated motto, Vae, veniunt porci, which is Latin for "Damn, here come the pigs!"

Now, Big Lou says that we're all headed to the Black Diamond for the graduation party. Last one there is buying the first round. Mrs. Nesbitt, can I ride with you? I can't drive until I finish my classes next week.

Photo credit: Melissa Anthony Jones (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 3.0)

You can find my books Branding Yourself (affiliate link), No Bullshit Social Media, and The Owned Media Doctrine on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million, or for the Kindle or Nook.


  1. hi,
    Driving schools are becoming more popular by the day. Everybody wants to know more and more about them. This includes young people who can't wait for the opportunity to take the wheel in their hands, and also the concerned parents looking for a good school to send their kids.
    see more details : driving school


Post a Comment

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I am accepting comments from people with Google accounts to cut down on spam.
Otherwise, spam comments will be deleted with malicious glee.

Popular posts from this blog

AYFKMWTS?! FBI Creates 88 Page Twitter Slang Guide


Did you get that? It's an acronym. Web slang. It's how all the teens and young people are texting with their tweeters and Facer-books on their cellular doodads.

It stands for "The FBI has created an eighty-eight page Twitter slang dictionary."

See, you would have known that if you had the FBI's 88 page Twitter slang dictionary.

Eighty-eight pages! Of slang! AYFKMWTS?! (Are you f***ing kidding me with this s***?! That's actually how they spell it in the guide, asterisks and everything. You know, in case the gun-toting agents who catch mobsters and international terrorists get offended by salty language.)

I didn't even know there were 88 Twitter acronyms, let alone enough acronyms to fill 88 pieces of paper.

The FBI needs to be good at Twitter because they're reading everyone's tweets to see if anyone is planning any illegal activities. Because that's what terrorists do — plan their terroristic activities publicly, as if they were…

Understanding 7 Different Types of Humor

One of my pet peeves is when people say they have a "dry" sense of humor, without actually understanding what it actually means.

"Dry" humor is not just any old type of humor. It's not violent, not off-color, not macabre or dark.

Basically, dry humor is that deadpan style of humor. It's the not-very-funny joke your uncle the cost analysis accountant tells. It's Bob Newhart, Steven Wright, or Jason Bateman in Arrested Development.

It is not, for the love of GOD, people, the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I swear, if anyone says Monty Python is "dry humor" is going to get a smack.

Here are some other types of comedy you may have heard and are just tossing around, willy-nilly.

Farce: Exaggerated comedy. Characters in a farce get themselves in an unlikely or improbable situation that takes a lot of footwork and fast talking to get out of. The play "The Foreigner" is an example of a farce, as are many of the Jeeves &…

What Are They Thinking? The Beloit College Mindset List

Every year at this time, the staff at Beloit College send out their new student Mindset List as a way to make everyone clutch their chest and feel the cold hand of death.

This list was originally created and shared with their faculty each year, so the faculty would understand what some of their own cultural touchstones might mean, or not mean, to the incoming freshmen. They also wanted the freshmen to know it was not cool to refer to '80s music as "Oldies."

This year's incoming Beloit freshmen are typically 18 years old, born in 1999. John F. Kennedy Jr. died that year, as did Stanley Kubrick and Gene Siskel. And so did my hope for a society that sought artistic and intellectual pursuits for the betterment of all humanity. Although it may have actually died when I heard about this year's Emoji Movie.

Before I throw my hands up in despair, here are a few items from the Mindset list for the class of 2021.

They're the last class to be born in the 1900s, and are t…