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Nyet, My Column Was Not Hacked by Russian Spies

Hello, my fellow Americans! It is I, Erik Deckers, your favorite humorous columnist from the Middle West.

I have been reading in your — I mean, our — liberal American media about how Russian hackers have tried to hack into the New York Times and other media newspapers. This chases on the heels of the news that same Russians may have hacked the Democrats Nationalist Committee email server.

This is typical American media lie!

Also, in case you worry, my own comedy column has not been hacked by Russian spies working for a secret government agency seeking to undermine you Americans' — I mean, our — democracy.

To accuse us — I mean, them — of hacking into newspapers is serious insult to Russians everywhere, and especially to their eminent leader, President Vladimir Putin, who is in no way trying to recreate the USSR through military force.

(And who also looks very manly without a shirt.)

While we are on subject, President Putin is not invading Ukraine. He is only trying to keep Ukraine safe, and teach it how to be strong. It is like tough love, like Russian mama bear shows to her children, to help them grow up to be strong Russian bears who fight rebels and dissidents.

Wait, I mean like American bears. Yes, that's it. American mama bears who love their bear children.

To change the subject, many congratulations to American Olympic team and their many gold medals. Of course, these were not real victories, since nearly all athletes from Russia were banned from competing because they were heavily doping.

Accused of doping, I mean. Wrongly accused of doping. Da, that's it.

Widespread, government-funded doping, my Aunt Olga's fanny! Russian athletes train harder and better than American athletes, and for this, IOC seeks to punish Russian athletes and para-athletes. It's not our — I mean, their — fault they have cutting-edge nutritional supplements. And nutritional creams and gels. And nutritional injections.

I remember back in 1984, when Olympics were held in Los Angeles Hollywood, and the Russians stood on their principles and chose to boycott Olympics. This happened after we, and 64 other countries, mistakenly boycotted 1980 Olympics after Soviet army paid a friendly visit to — I mean, invaded — Afghanistan.

(Between you and me, my fellow Americans, the Soviets did not invade. They were helping Chairman Andropov find his dog. He lost it while he was there on a fact finding mission. I heard it from my cousin, Alexei — I mean, Kevin — who worked for the Kremlin — I mean, American government.)

Speaking of politics, I am surprised that more of my fellow Americans do not support Donald Trump in his campaign to become Supreme President. Many, many Americans seem to like Hillary Clinton and the Democrats Nationalist Committee, who has done many terrible things to her opponent, Bernie Sanders. I remember being surprised when I read all those emails.

In the newspapers! I read all the emails in the newspapers. So many newspapers I have read.

And then I forwarded all the emails to Wikileaks — I mean, my mother! I forwarded them to my mother. Ha ha, not an international repository of stolen government secrets.

"Look, Mama," I said. "Look at what Hillary Clinton and her comrades have done to poor Bernie Sanders. They have organized a coup against Bernie Sanders." And Mama said she wished Mr. Sanders would have seized power back from the usurpers, like the time Boris Yeltsin rode into the Kremlin on a tank and smashed a coup attempt.

But I have read many great things about Donald Trump. He is a good friend to President Putin. He is a fan of Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un of North Korea. And I know Kim Jong Un is a very big fan of his. I have seen some of their back-and-forth emails.

Uh, also in newspapers! Yes, they were in newspapers, and not at all from hacking.

But Mr. Trump would make an excellent friend to Russia. He already has strong relationships with President Putin. And his former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, is well known to many Russians, having received many millions of rubles — I mean, dollars — from Ukrainian politicians.

I have heard Mr. Trump has also had many financial dealings with Russia, and is said to be millions of dollars in debt to Russian oligarchs and friends of President Putin. This makes Mr. Trump ideal president to help Russia and America work together to make the world great again.

So, my fellow Americans, spasibo — I mean, thank you! — for your time. Dasvidaniya.



Photo credit: Russian Presidential Press and Information Office (No, I'm not kidding!) (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 4.0)


You can find my books Branding Yourself (affiliate link), No Bullshit Social Media, and The Owned Media Doctrine on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million, or for the Kindle or Nook.

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  1. Very good article it receives permission for publishing.

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