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Don't Worry, Oklahoma, Everyone Hates Veggie Burgers

Hater is back in the news again, this time with a state-by-state rundown of the food America loves to hate.

You may remember Hater is the dating app that helps you find that special someone based on how you love, like, dislike, or hate specific topics. And unlike those "unicorns fart rainbows" optimists at eHarmony, Hater matches people specifically on the things they despise. Because nothing connects you to your lifelong soulmate like a mutual hatred of Vladimir Putin.

You can rate things like zombie movies (hate 'em), staying up late (love it), headaches (who doesn't hate these?), and sleeping with a lot of pillows (hate it).

I would like to see them include my own pet peeves: people who pronounce jalapeño "hal-a-peen-o" (hate it), children misbehaving in restaurants (OH MY GOD!), and people who try to tell me how hot dogs are made so I won't eat them (I will fight you).

A couple months ago, I wrote about Hater's findings about the things each state hates the most. We learned that New Jersey hates jellyfish, Montana hates going to the gym, South Carolina hates Edward Snowden, and Indiana hates bloggers.

I still haven't quite forgiven you for that either, Indiana.

This time, Hater focused on food and drinks, based on the more than 600,000 users who have swiped on 3,000 topics over 100 million times. Some of the results were quite surprising, and some of them, not so much.

For instance, Oklahoma hates veggie burgers. No big surprise there, their entire economy is based on beef. I was there a few weeks ago. and paid for a coffee with a $20 bill; my change was a New York strip and a couple of beef patties.

Meanwhile, West Virginia hates tofu — color me surprised — and Virginia hates dabbing pizza grease with a napkin. That's also the thing they hate the very most, so they must really hate pizza dabbers. Like, if you visit Virginia but hate pizza grease, you might get murdered.

Speaking of pizza, New York hates Ranch on pizza, which I didn't even know was a thing. And now it sounds terrible.

Michigan hates cold pizza, which is weird since they're cold ten months of the year. Besides, cold pizza just means that you had some pizza, and now you have some pizza left over. There is nothing wrong with more pizza.

But Delaware hates Hawaiian Pizza, and I can't be upset with that, especially since Hawaii hates Coca-Cola. Congress should rethink their statehood, because Coca-Cola is as American as apple pie and Type 2 diabetes.

Texas hates well-done steak. Now, I don't agree with Texas on, well, anything, but I side with them on this. Frankly, it's an abomination because well-done steak loses all flavor and tenderness, and tastes like shoe leather. Chefs everywhere loathe people who order well-done steaks, and many of them will just toss those steaks in the deep fryer. If that's how you order your steak in a restaurant, stick with eating foods you order from your car.

Indiana hates charcuterie, which is surprising, because it's just a tray of ham, sausage, and bacon. It's surprising because Indiana is not only one of the top pork producers in the country, we will deep fry anything and serve it at our state fair. So I hope this isn't some kind of health thing. Those deep-fried Twinkies and deep-fried butter tell me differently.

Massachusetts hates mayonnaise on fries, which is disappointing. I thought you were cool, Massachusetts. The best fries in the whole world come from Belgium, and they're served with a special mayonnaise called frite sauce. You have not lived until you've had some Belgian fries with some proper mayonnaise. In fact, while I was writing this column, I ordered some fries and put mayo on them. So take that, Massachusetts!

Next thing you'll be telling me is that you don't like Chipotle. I mean, Alabama doesn't like it, but they don't like anything that sounds foreign. They still call French fries "Freedom fries."

Minnesota hates beans, Illinois hates biting string cheese, Wyoming hates anything gluten-free, and Nebraska hates shellfish. I can't blame them; I never eat anything from the ocean when I'm literally half the country away from either one. Getting shellfish in Nebraska is about as safe as getting gas station sushi.

For dessert, Louisiana hates cookies with raisins, and I'm with them on this. If I see a cookie with little dark blobs in it, I'm going to assume it's chocolate chip. But the saddest thing in the world is finding out they're raisins. Cookies with raisins are just a lie parents bake for their children. They're the time-you-found-out-about-Santa-Claus of cookies.

And for the biggest surprise of all? Washington DC hates turkey bacon. That's rather ironic, when you consider it's a blob of nastiness that tries to convince people it's something it can never hope to be, claiming to be good for you when it's really just a whole lot of crap.

The turkey bacon tastes pretty nasty too.

Photo credit:Erik Deckers



You can find my books Branding Yourself (affiliate link), No Bullshit Social Media, and The Owned Media Doctrine on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million, or for the Kindle or Nook.

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