Facebook in the Middle Ages

Mildred posted: "Leprosy effects 1 in 10 people, and is the leading cause of death in this country, more than scurvy, dysentery, and political assassination combined. If you know someone with leprosy, copy and share this post with your friends."

Raymond: "Well, actually, the Black Death has killed more people than leprosy.

Lyman: "#AllDiseasesMatter! ;-)"

Heloise: "My mom had leprosy when I was a little girl and I was never allowed to sit too close to her when one of her fingers had fallen off. All I can remember of her is her shape when she had to wear a burlap sheet to cover her disfigurements."

Judson: Leprosy is a sign that the Lord is displeased with the sufferer. These people should be rounded up and put on an island.

Mildred: We live on an island already, ass!

Laila: We could end leprosy if our kingdom would just adopt a standard healthcare system, where each physician charged the same number of eggs, chickens, or goats for different maladies. Like charge 6 eggs for being bled if you have a fever, 8 eggs for being bled if you have melancholia, and an entire chicken for being bled if you have scurvy.

Judson: Leave it to you leeching-heart liberals to try to standardize our healthcare system. King Henry VIII is going to undo Henry-VII-Care one of these days, and get the kingdom's hands out of medicine.

Laila: Isn't your Medicare provided by the kingdom?

Judson: No! That's just one of your Feudalist #FakeProclamations!

Raymond: Dude, there's a link to the Medicare proclamation board right there on the Kingdom's proclamation board.

Laila: Sounds like Judson has nothing else to say on the matter. Loving your Predeterminist tears, leprocist!

Judson: I'm just tired of everyone's whiny personal attacks. I hope you all get St. Vitus' Dance! I'm going to bed.

Devon posted: "Leave a five word comment about how we met."

Alfreda: Fetching water for the family.

Eolande: Fetching water for the family.

Fira: Fetching water for the family.

Heloise: At my husband's public stoning.

Theode: Fetching water for the family.

Elizabeth posted: Passed my cousin Duncan the village drunkard in my cart today. He asked me for 6 pence, didn't seem to recognize me. I couldn't help him, but if you can remember him in your prayers, leave a comment and I'll light a candle for you in church on Sunday.

Judson: Those beslubbering malt-worms need to repent and get a real job instead of leeching off the rest of the village.

Elizabeth: You pray to the Holy Mother with that mouth? Your spiritual piousness is overwhelming.

Mildred posted: "Syphilis is the number one cause of blindness. Greater than cholera, Water Elf disease, and being bled too much.

Heloise: "My dad had syphilis when I was a little girl and I was never allowed to sit too close to him when he had his rashes. He finally went blind and died when he stepped on one of my mom's fingers and it rolled under his foot and he hit his head on the family chair."

Judson posted: Check out this news article. King Henry VIII is pushing his Dissolution Of The Monasteries decree to provide funding for his wall on the Scottish border. He's going to seize their buildings and assets. #AboutTime

Frederick: Dude, they're never going to build that wall. It's impossible.

Judson: Yeah, he is. And he's going to get the Scots to pay for it.

Frederick: The Scots?! King James V has already said they're not going to pay for it. So it's not going to happen. I can't wait for the dukes to overthrow him for heresy.

Gerard: #FakeProclamation, Frederick. He's even going to use Scottish contractors to build it. #MakeEnglandGreatAgain

Laila: Holy Mother, you're such a racist! Plenty of Scots have emigrated to England and made our country what it is today! #Don'tMakeEnglandRacist

Mildred posted: New article - 17 Ways to Tell If Your Cattle Have Been Bewitched! Number 12 Will Terrorize You!

Theresa: I've got an anti-bewitching charm from when we still had cattle. I'll sell it for a half groat. You must pick up.

Heloise: Our cattle got syphilitic leprosy when I was a little girl and I was never allowed to play with them if they began to stagger. All I can remember is the way they trampled Mrs. Prudence Cartwright to death. My father had to give the cattle to Solomon Cartwright in repayment. The Cartwrights all died of St. Anthony's Fire that winter.

Alderney posted: King Henry is going to send this country straight to Hell with his Dissolution of the Monasteries. The man thinks he's too good for the Catholic church. He's insulted every king in Western Europe and is going to bring us to war with the Frisians.

Ashton: #KH8 is going to show Little Catapult Man who's the king of this hemisphere!

Lyman: The guy's an embarrassment and I've lost count of the number of people he's condemned with his bills of attainder. He's going ruin this country.

Judson: Hey, he proclaims it like it is!

Radella: But her missives! Why haven't they beheaded her yet?

Photo credit: Unknown artist after Hans Holbein the Younger, part of the Duke of Rutland's collection (Wikimedia Commons, Public Domain)

The 3rd edition of Branding Yourself is now available on Amazon.com and in your local Barnes & Noble bookstore.