Advice from Ask Mr. Relationship Guy

Having problems with your relationships at work or at home? Not sure how to deal with interpersonal issues with other people? Ask Mr. Relationship Guy is my new effort to provide answers to relationship questions from a highly-qualified relationship expert. I couldn't find one, so I'll do it myself. What's the worst that could happen?

Patricia asks, "How do I stop my dog from being so damn demanding?"

I guess this is my fault, I wasn't very specific. I meant human relationships. But since most people who submitted questions didn't take this seriously, I'll work with what I've been given.

Not Patricia's dog
My guess is that somewhere along the way, your dog got spoiled because you constantly gave into his every whim. Scratched his belly, scratched behind his ears, opened the door any time he had to go out. Eventually, the dog realized you were at his beck and call and knows you'll give him whatever he wants. He played you like a sucker.

To get him to stop, you need to try passive-aggressively gaslighting your dog.

For example, when he wants you to scratch behind his ears, do it, but tell him you don't enjoy it. Let him hear the reluctance in your voice, like you're doing the biggest favor in the world. Remind him that you have needs as well, and that the back of your head itches at times. Really lay on the guilt and make him feel bad for asking.

Or hide your dog's favorite ball, and when he wants to play, pretend like he doesn't own a ball at all. Tell him you haven't seen it for a couple years, and you're not even sure if he had one. When he finds it, tell him that he must be mistaken, because that's one of your kids' balls, and you're not sure she would want the dog playing with it

Later, when your dog is lying on the couch, drop a few subtle hints that he needs to exercise more and lose a few pounds.

Let's see what we have next. Oh thank God, it's a real people question.

Marsinah asked, "Where do you get a refill on your libido? The universe seems to have taken mine when I hit 50."

Oh. Yeah, I wasn't expecting that.

Umm, let's see. Okay, when a man and woman— no, that's not right. Uh, that is, once people reach a certain age, they tend to lose the urge to, well, you know, do, uh. . . stuff. Like, S-E-X stuff. (*snort* Heh heh heh.) Or at least one person in the relationship does. The other person is still rarin' to go, regardless of his or her age.

If you're the one with the active libi— uh, you know, urges — I recommend a steady regimen of guilt and obligation, like a constant drip of water. If you're the person whose, uh, S-E-X drive has left them, I think they sell pills for this on TV.

Oh man, can we talk about something else please? Anything?!

Someone with the same name as my wife asked me, "How do I get my husband to lower the toilet seat? Asking for a friend."

Well, I should hope it's for a friend, because I'm the very model of bathroom manners. Which is why this questioner is clearly not my wife.

In fact, in my house, I insist on lowering the toilet lid, not just the seat. Everyone knows that toilets can spray tiny droplets up to 6 – 8 feet, and your toothbrush is right there in the splash zone. So, think about that the next time you've spent quality time on the can.

Or put the lid down and prevent the spray from ever reaching outside the toilet. And keep your toothbrush sealed up inside a medicine cabinet.

But back to your gross friend who brushes her teeth with a poo toothbrush and her inconsiderate clod of a husband.

He probably thinks it's equally unfair to leave the toilet seat down because he needs to lift it up every time he pees. There are two possible solutions to the problem.

One is that they both give the other person what they want, and put the toilet seat in the opposite way they found it. When he's finished, he should put the seat down. When she's finished, she should put it up. Assuming they usually alternate their bathroom visits, each person will leave the seat the way the other person likes it.

The other solution is to install a urinal in the bathroom or the garage. Or a privacy fence in the backyard. Or better yet, if you have two bathrooms in your house, designate one as the men's room and one as the women's room. Then each of you can leave your seats wherever you feel like.

That's all we have time for in this week's Ask Mr. Relationship Guy. If you have your own advice questions, my advice is to ask Dear Abby. Or that crazy old man who shouts at cars in front of the Stuckeys.

Just don't ask me about the sex stuff. Ewww!


Photo credit: Laslo Ilyes (Flickr, Creative Commons 2.0)


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