Police are searching for a serial toilet clogger who has been backing up the women's bathroom at the Deland Community Center in Sheboygan, Wisconsin for a year and a half.
Don't worry, the clogger has been using a 20-ounce soda bottle to do the dastardly deed.
But the police are nowhere near to pinching the perp, despite the Pop Bottle Plugger's escapades happening fairly regularly.
Pop Bottle Plugger is my name for the culprit. I wanted to come up with another alliterative name, playing off the S-H sound in Sheboygan, but this is a family newspaper, and I didn't want to get into deep trouble. So I apologize if any of you are skittish that I should share such shameful shtick.
The investigation has even turned into a multi-agency response, owing to the crime's heinous nature. Both the Sheboygan police department and the Department of Public Works — who "work together to keep our parks and facilities clean and safe" — are asking Sheboyganites to refrain from shoving trash and other rubbish into their public toilets.
Yes, shoving. Because the PBP isn't just flushing the bottle.
"How does one do this and how many flushes does it take?" the Sheboygan PD wrote on their Facebook page. "Flushing is not necessary as the person is actually inserting the bottle into the toilet pipes. Why do this? I do not know, but if you help us find the person, I will tell you."
I'm a little worried. It sounds like the Sheboygan PD is buckling from the strain of the investigation. I just hope that when they catch the perp they can squeeze a confession out of her.
At least, I think it's a her. We have no way of knowing whether the PBP is a man or a woman; I've been assuming it's a woman since the Great Crapper Caper has been happening in the women's restroom.
But we all know what happens when you assume.
Of course, Facebook hasn't been much help. Just like every other terrorist attack and political controversy posted on Facebook, there were plenty of self-taught experts eager to share their opinions borne out of binging on middle-of-the-day Law & Order reruns.
And we all know what they say about everyone's opinions.
One woman suggested they should install surveillance cameras, as it "would have saved you thousands." She then speculated that someone was probably shooting up heroin or smoking meth in the bathroom "at some god-awful hour," which in Sheboygan probably means after 9:00 PM.
Surprisingly there weren't any privacy experts who wanted to weigh in on the problems of putting CCTVs in women's bathroom. Instead, most of the discussion centered around how the perp could disable the cameras or sneak in without being seen.
The police aren't taking this sitting down though. They're pushing the #SeeSomethingSaySomething hashtag on Facebook, and urging Sheboyganites to get in touch with the police if anyone knows who's responsible for the crime. I only hope the community doesn't resort to vigilante justice or try to take matters into their own hands. They should just drop it and leave it to the professionals.
And if you see someone suspicious around the restrooms, you're supposed to call the police at their non-emergency number. But if you're worried about being a stool pigeon, you can call the Sheboygan Countywide Crime Stoppers instead.
Crime Stoppers hasn't come up with a slogan about this particular crime though, and it's not even on their website, so I don't know how serious they are about cracking the case.
This is one crime I hope McGruff the Crime Dog doesn't try to take a bite out of. Or drink out of.
When I first learned about the story, I had visions that some of the more libertarian Sheboyganites would complain about the heavy handedness of the Sheboygan local government, carping on about government interference, and arguing that what consenting adults flush in their own toilets in the privacy of their own homes is nobody else's concern.
"Keep Big Government's big noses out of our business," shouted my imaginary loo-bertarians. "You can have my bottle when you pry it from — never mind."
Now that the crime is out in the open, and the public has been plugged in, I hope the police finally get some assistance in wiping it out.
I can't wait for the day the Sheboygan PD is able to get the drop on the toilet troublemaker and run her in. Then they'll look her square in the eye and say, "You're in a lot of trouble."
The 3rd edition of Branding Yourself is now available on Amazon.com and in your local Barnes & Noble bookstore.
Don't worry, the clogger has been using a 20-ounce soda bottle to do the dastardly deed.
But the police are nowhere near to pinching the perp, despite the Pop Bottle Plugger's escapades happening fairly regularly.
Pop Bottle Plugger is my name for the culprit. I wanted to come up with another alliterative name, playing off the S-H sound in Sheboygan, but this is a family newspaper, and I didn't want to get into deep trouble. So I apologize if any of you are skittish that I should share such shameful shtick.
The investigation has even turned into a multi-agency response, owing to the crime's heinous nature. Both the Sheboygan police department and the Department of Public Works — who "work together to keep our parks and facilities clean and safe" — are asking Sheboyganites to refrain from shoving trash and other rubbish into their public toilets.
Yes, shoving. Because the PBP isn't just flushing the bottle.
"How does one do this and how many flushes does it take?" the Sheboygan PD wrote on their Facebook page. "Flushing is not necessary as the person is actually inserting the bottle into the toilet pipes. Why do this? I do not know, but if you help us find the person, I will tell you."
At least, I think it's a her. We have no way of knowing whether the PBP is a man or a woman; I've been assuming it's a woman since the Great Crapper Caper has been happening in the women's restroom.
But we all know what happens when you assume.
Of course, Facebook hasn't been much help. Just like every other terrorist attack and political controversy posted on Facebook, there were plenty of self-taught experts eager to share their opinions borne out of binging on middle-of-the-day Law & Order reruns.
And we all know what they say about everyone's opinions.
One woman suggested they should install surveillance cameras, as it "would have saved you thousands." She then speculated that someone was probably shooting up heroin or smoking meth in the bathroom "at some god-awful hour," which in Sheboygan probably means after 9:00 PM.
Surprisingly there weren't any privacy experts who wanted to weigh in on the problems of putting CCTVs in women's bathroom. Instead, most of the discussion centered around how the perp could disable the cameras or sneak in without being seen.
The police aren't taking this sitting down though. They're pushing the #SeeSomethingSaySomething hashtag on Facebook, and urging Sheboyganites to get in touch with the police if anyone knows who's responsible for the crime. I only hope the community doesn't resort to vigilante justice or try to take matters into their own hands. They should just drop it and leave it to the professionals.
And if you see someone suspicious around the restrooms, you're supposed to call the police at their non-emergency number. But if you're worried about being a stool pigeon, you can call the Sheboygan Countywide Crime Stoppers instead.
Crime Stoppers hasn't come up with a slogan about this particular crime though, and it's not even on their website, so I don't know how serious they are about cracking the case.
This is one crime I hope McGruff the Crime Dog doesn't try to take a bite out of. Or drink out of.
When I first learned about the story, I had visions that some of the more libertarian Sheboyganites would complain about the heavy handedness of the Sheboygan local government, carping on about government interference, and arguing that what consenting adults flush in their own toilets in the privacy of their own homes is nobody else's concern.
"Keep Big Government's big noses out of our business," shouted my imaginary loo-bertarians. "You can have my bottle when you pry it from — never mind."
Now that the crime is out in the open, and the public has been plugged in, I hope the police finally get some assistance in wiping it out.
I can't wait for the day the Sheboygan PD is able to get the drop on the toilet troublemaker and run her in. Then they'll look her square in the eye and say, "You're in a lot of trouble."
The 3rd edition of Branding Yourself is now available on Amazon.com and in your local Barnes & Noble bookstore.