Town Hall Addresses Dangers of Condom Snorting

Remember a few weeks ago, when I said teenagers were dumb for doing the Tide Pod Challenge? That's where teenagers would record themselves eating a Tide Pod and then trying to upload the video before they were rushed to the hospital. Everyone thought, "Surely we can't get any dumber as a nation."

Then our nation said, "Hold my beer, I got this."

Enter the condom snorting challenge. I first thought it was an April Fool's news story, but there are several videos of teens snorting a condom through their nose and pulling it out of their mouth.

To be clear, each video contains one teenager. It's not like there's a group of them and they're passing the condom around or anything. That would be gross.

Except the videos are mostly from 2013, and none from 2018, meaning the craze was over five years ago. But that hasn't stopped the media from whipping people into a panicked frenzy.

What if they choke? What if they have a latex allergy? Where did teenagers get condoms?

Citizens have been so outraged, some of them organized a town hall meeting to air their grievances over this latest self-destructive challenge. I decided to attend and write this story.

There were statements from civic leaders, as well as a pre-recorded video by the executive director of the American Condom Association, the professional trade group for condom makers.

Afterward, people were invited to share their concerns and comments at a microphone. Prudence Dalrymple nearly knocked over area pharmacist Edgar Longenecker trying to get there.

"This wouldn't have happened under abstinence-only education for. . . you know, 'S-E-X," spelled Prudence, getting red in the face. Several people in the crowd applauded and cheered.

The Vatican has not issued any statement on the practice, but local Catholic church secretary Bridget McCarthy was understandably shocked. "The Catholic Church takes a very strong stance against the use of birth control in any form," she said. "I suppose these teenagers will be wearing IUDs as hats next."

"It's the liberals and Planned Parenthood," shouted George Tucker, not even going to the microphone. "They're brainwashing our kids and turning them into deviants and perverts."

"I read on Facebook that a girl died from snorting a condom," said Dalrymple. "She got it in school, no doubt!"

"We should ban all condoms in our city," said McCarthy. "They're killing our children!"

"No more condoms!" shouted Tucker, and the crowd began to chant: "No more condoms! No more condoms!"

Town council president Steve Keaton banged his gavel and brought the room to order. "Let's not lose our heads over this." He banged the gavel again to quiet the final murmurs. "We can't ban condoms because of a story on Facebook. We don't even know if it's true or not."

"But there was a photo of the dead girl, and she was tearing a condom wrapper," said McCarthy, still gripping the microphone.

"That doesn't mean anything," said Keaton. "We can't ban them because of one death."

"I can't believe you would put access to birth control ahead of the lives of our children," said McCarthy, jabbing her finger in Keaton's direction. "What about the children? How many more must die before you take action?"

"If we can save even one life by banning condoms, isn't it worth it?" said Dalrymple.

"Are you people serious?" said C├ęsar Stryver. "Condoms aren't deadly unless they're used incorrectly. In fact, they help protect us from unwanted pregnancy and disease."

"But they make kids want to have sex," shouted Tucker.

"We already have a city law that says they can't be sold to anyone under 18," said Stryver. "We just need to enforce the laws we have on the books. Do a basic ID check and only sell them to people who pass."

"Yes, but the laws aren't stopping the teenagers," said McCarthy. "We need to ban them outright. That's the only way to stop people from getting them at all."

"When you criminalize condoms, only criminals will use condoms," said Daisy Miller. "Just because you don't like what young people are doing doesn't mean no one else should have them."

Stryver raised his fist in the air and said, "You can have my condoms when you pry them from my—" Keaton banged his gavel into his microphone.

"They banned condoms over in Cedar Ridge, and they still have the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the entire state," said Tucker.

"That's because everyone's bringing condoms in from Illinois," said Gary Merrill. "You may not be able to buy condoms in Cedar Ridge, but people are buying them out of town and selling them to the teenagers there."

"I don't even know what's going on in our society anymore," fretted Dalrymple. "First they're snorting condoms, and then what? What are a bunch of teenagers left on their own for several hours going to do with a bunch of condoms? Does anyone really need that many condoms?"

"No," shouted people in the crowd. "No one should have that many!"

"You can't ban condoms," said Hank Chinaski. "It's in the Declaration of Independence."

"No it isn't," said Tucker.

"Sure it is," said Chinaski. "Under 'Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.'" He ducked under a hail of wadded up programs.

In the end, there were only hurt feelings and things that could not be unsaid. The town council promised to examine the issue more clearly and tabled it until a later date, although that solution satisfied no one. Afterward, everyone went home and made sure their own condoms were safely locked away. Then they hugged their kids a little tighter and slept uneasily that night.

Photo credit: Sage Ross (Wikimedia Commons, GNU Free Documentation License)


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