My Birthdate Sucks

My birthdate kind of sucks.

Not my actual birthday, because that's awesome. I always take some time to myself to read a book in a coffee shop before my family treats me to a great dinner.

It helps that we make a big deal about birthdays in my family. In fact, we'll take an entire week to celebrate someone's birthday. My birthday week starts on my actual day, June 27th, and we have a week-long festival that ends with a national fireworks celebration for all of America to enjoy.

But other than ushering in my very existence on this planet, June 27th makes an unremarkable splash on the pages of world history. No one really cool and famous was born on the 27th, and there aren't any significant world events that happened then either.

For example, John Lennon's birthday is October 9, and Paul McCartney's is June 18. George Washington's is February 22, Prince's is June 7, and Princess Diana's is July 1.

Who do we have on June 27? Well, J.J. Abrams was born the year before me, and Tobey Maguire was born eight years after me, and right there, we've hit Peak Fame for this day. A movie director who can't look in the bathroom mirror without lens flare, and a guy whose most famous contribution to cinema history is that constipated-crying "Tobey Face."

Canadian Olympic swimmer Sylvie Fr├ęchette and I are birthday twins, having been born on the same day and year. We sent each other happy birthday tweets last week, which now makes her my most favorite Canadian, after Justin Trudeau, and anyone who overnights me a box of Tim Horton's donuts.

Helen Keller was born in 1880, which is great, and I'm proud to share my birthday with someone who fought for the rights of people with disabilities, but she's no Mick Jagger (July 26) or Thomas Jefferson (April 13).

Meanwhile one celebrity website said there are 11 YouTube Stars who share my birthday, but the fact that there's such a thing as "YouTube Stars," and a website keeps track of their birthdays makes me weep for humanity.

And we all share a birthday with reality star Khloe Kardashian, the answer to the question, "Who?"

The most notable thing people can say about Khloe Kardashian is "Is that Kim Kardashian's sister?"


Famous people won't even die on June 27. The most famous person I could find? Jack Lemmon. I mean, I loved him in "The Odd Couple" and "Grumpy Old Men," but seriously, that's all we could get?

To be fair, the Maharaja Ranjit Singh, founder of the Sikh empire died on this day in 1839. After Singh died, four of his wives, and seven concubines threw themselves on his funeral pyre. Meanwhile, I can't ask my wife to bring me a beer while she's already in the kitchen without her giving me the stink-eye.

Grand Duke Konstantin Pavlovich of Russia died on this day in 1831. He was apparently the Emperor of Russia for 25 days in 1825, but had secretly given up his throne. He was also the Governor of Poland for a number of years, where he was a tyrant and hated by the military and citizens. And then he died of cholera.

Thanks, Universe, 187 years ago one of the most hated men in Poland shit himself to death on my birthday.

Even June 28 has more notable deaths than my date.

Famous Detroit Tigers catcher Mickey Cochrane died on June 28, as did President James Madison and TV pitchman Billy Mays.

Meanwhile, Franz Ferdinand was assassinated on June 28, 1914, which kicked off World War I, which as I think about it, I don't want on my birthdate. You can have that one, June 28.

History just sucks in general for June 27.

A quick Google search shows that Russian sailors mutinied aboard the battleship Potemkin on this day in 1905, which is about as exciting Fort Yukon, Alaska reaching 100 degrees Fahrenheit.

Doesn't that sound exciting? Because that's what happened in 1915. How is that for notable? The most notable thing to happen on June 27, 1915 was that Alaska got hot. You know what? Florida gets hot every damn day, and no one's shooting off fireworks about it.

But wait! History repeated itself 70 years later, when Lakewood, New Mexico reached 118 degrees. Look out, world. June 27 is a banner day for cities being hot!

And in 1963, President John F. Kennedy spent his first full day in Ireland. How exciting! The President flew to Ireland on June 26 and spent part of that day there. But this day — THIS DAY! — is a special one because it was his first full day in Ireland. That was enough to get a mention on June27thSucks.com.

But that's not the only exciting historical trip. According to some Beatles history blog, in 1969, Ringo and Maureen Starr went on vacation to the south of France, where I'm sure they enjoyed a bottle of wine and a nice croissant.

That's the best thing to happen to the Beatles on June 27th ever? Ringo and Maureen Starr took a vacation? What else happened? In 1974, John Lennon ate some fish and chips that he said was quite nice?

And let's not forget, on this date in 1988, my favorite baseball team, the Cincinnati Reds batted out of order in the first inning of a game against the San Diego Padres. That's it! In the entire world, on that day 20 years ago, the best thing we can say about the day is Chris Sabo forgot to bat!

Look, June 27, you need to get your act together. J.J. Abrams and I can't do this by ourselves. Sylvie Fr├ęchette may be an Olympic gold medalist, but she's the only one. And we can't count on Khloe Kardashian to do much of anything. Because when the best you've got is "John Kennedy went to Ireland," that just makes Tobey Maguire cry.




The 3rd edition of Branding Yourself is now available on Amazon.com and in your local Barnes & Noble bookstore.