It's official. Inc. Magazine has called the Open Concept floor plan the Dumbest Management Fad Of All Time.
Do you hear that, cheap CEOs and hip-and-trendy startups? Your heavy-handed thriftiness is officially the dumbest management fad in the entire world history of dumb management fads. Of all the stupid management fads you've ever created, this one is your masterpiece.
The Open Concept plan is where a large room is filled with clusters of desks or large tables. Everyone has a laptop and a couple monitors, literally no storage, and imaginary lines like your mom established in the back seat so you wouldn't fight with your siblings.
After years of designing cattle farms and abattoirs, the creators of the Open Concept floor plan said it's supposed to encourage collaboration and communication between workers. Never mind that you're in a giant room with uncarpeted concrete floors, filled with chattering people, which means it's about as quiet as a McDonald's after a kid's soccer tournament.
But managers don't have to deal with any of this. The ones who embraced the Dumbest Management Fad Of All Time have their own offices. They're not out there with the rest of the herd. They've got desks with drawers. They can close their doors for privacy. If this were really such an amazing idea, they would be out there with everyone else, not tucked away with the door closed because they can't concentrate with all that noise.
If you're thinking about working in a sawmill for a little peace and quiet, you're not alone. But now you can feel like it.
Enter the Wear Space, the workplace blinders developed by a research group at Panasonic. (Yes, this is a real thing.)
The Wear Space was unveiled at this year's SXSW Conference in Austin, Texas, created by the same research team that is no doubt working on the Break's Over Shock Collar.
The Wear Space is a C-shaped shell you wear around your head to shut out noise and keep you from seeing things out of the corner of your eye. It has noise-canceling Bluetooth headphones, so you can block out unwanted noise, and the shell extends past your head like horse blinders, letting you narrow your focus only on your workspace.
I expect this will be followed up by the Wear Trough Lunch Bucket, which will work in conjunction with your Wear Space blinders. Just click-and-lock the Wear Trough into place and you can eat while you work, concentrating on the tasks your corporate overlords have assigned.
The Wear Trough even has a low front profile that lets you see your computer monitors as you eat your work-friendly We Eat Food Pellets.
Made from organically-grown and ethically-harvested animal byproducts and puréed vegetable stalks, We Eat pellets are packed with plenty of vitamins, amino acids, and low-grade animal stimulants to keep you healthy and mentally alert.
We Eat pellets are available in steak, chicken, pork, bison, salmon, or my personal favorite, Soylent Green. And for you vegans, We Eat pellets come in kale, spinach, and seaweed flavors too.
There's also We Snack Nutritional Paste for a little afternoon treat. Fortified with all the caffeine of six cups of coffee, it's a great way to fight off the after-lunch sleepies.
Best of all, the Wear Space's noise-canceling headphones will drown out the sound of you munching on your We Eat Food Pellets. You can listen to your favorite music playlists which have been carefully curated by a team of workplace efficiency experts to not only keep your energy levels at maximum efficiency, you can also express your own individual personality and style as you listen to your favorite pre-approved music in private.
Feeling thirsty? Try the Wear Bottle Drink Dispenser, the drink you can wear on your head. The Wear Bottle is a plastic helmet that holds two water bottles on either side and a BPA-free plastic straw that clips into the Wear Trough Lunch Bucket.
When you need a break, or when you finally get to go home at the end of a 12-hour work day, just hop into your Wear Fit Plastic Exercise Ball and start running. It's a great way to get around the office and it makes commuting a lot of fun!
And for those truly generous corporate overlords, try the Wear House Worker Habitat. Whether your habitat is in your office building or nearby, your Wear House Worker Habitat can be linked to your workspace via large, high-impact plexiglass tubes that can accommodate your Wear Fit Exercise Ball. This will allow you to travel to and from work in safety, ease, and comfort.
So if you're worried that your manager is going to realize that Open Concept floor plans truly are idiotic, don't worry, they won't.
Rather than trying to regain some of your personal dignity, just ask your boss to double down on the Dumbest Management Fad Of All Time and to buy some Wear Space work blinders for your office today.
The 3rd edition of Branding Yourself is now available on Amazon.com and in your local Barnes & Noble bookstore.
Do you hear that, cheap CEOs and hip-and-trendy startups? Your heavy-handed thriftiness is officially the dumbest management fad in the entire world history of dumb management fads. Of all the stupid management fads you've ever created, this one is your masterpiece.
The Open Concept plan is where a large room is filled with clusters of desks or large tables. Everyone has a laptop and a couple monitors, literally no storage, and imaginary lines like your mom established in the back seat so you wouldn't fight with your siblings.
After years of designing cattle farms and abattoirs, the creators of the Open Concept floor plan said it's supposed to encourage collaboration and communication between workers. Never mind that you're in a giant room with uncarpeted concrete floors, filled with chattering people, which means it's about as quiet as a McDonald's after a kid's soccer tournament.
But managers don't have to deal with any of this. The ones who embraced the Dumbest Management Fad Of All Time have their own offices. They're not out there with the rest of the herd. They've got desks with drawers. They can close their doors for privacy. If this were really such an amazing idea, they would be out there with everyone else, not tucked away with the door closed because they can't concentrate with all that noise.
If you're thinking about working in a sawmill for a little peace and quiet, you're not alone. But now you can feel like it.
Enter the Wear Space, the workplace blinders developed by a research group at Panasonic. (Yes, this is a real thing.)
The Wear Space was unveiled at this year's SXSW Conference in Austin, Texas, created by the same research team that is no doubt working on the Break's Over Shock Collar.
The Wear Space is a C-shaped shell you wear around your head to shut out noise and keep you from seeing things out of the corner of your eye. It has noise-canceling Bluetooth headphones, so you can block out unwanted noise, and the shell extends past your head like horse blinders, letting you narrow your focus only on your workspace.
I expect this will be followed up by the Wear Trough Lunch Bucket, which will work in conjunction with your Wear Space blinders. Just click-and-lock the Wear Trough into place and you can eat while you work, concentrating on the tasks your corporate overlords have assigned.
The Wear Trough even has a low front profile that lets you see your computer monitors as you eat your work-friendly We Eat Food Pellets.
Made from organically-grown and ethically-harvested animal byproducts and puréed vegetable stalks, We Eat pellets are packed with plenty of vitamins, amino acids, and low-grade animal stimulants to keep you healthy and mentally alert.
We Eat pellets are available in steak, chicken, pork, bison, salmon, or my personal favorite, Soylent Green. And for you vegans, We Eat pellets come in kale, spinach, and seaweed flavors too.
There's also We Snack Nutritional Paste for a little afternoon treat. Fortified with all the caffeine of six cups of coffee, it's a great way to fight off the after-lunch sleepies.
Best of all, the Wear Space's noise-canceling headphones will drown out the sound of you munching on your We Eat Food Pellets. You can listen to your favorite music playlists which have been carefully curated by a team of workplace efficiency experts to not only keep your energy levels at maximum efficiency, you can also express your own individual personality and style as you listen to your favorite pre-approved music in private.
Feeling thirsty? Try the Wear Bottle Drink Dispenser, the drink you can wear on your head. The Wear Bottle is a plastic helmet that holds two water bottles on either side and a BPA-free plastic straw that clips into the Wear Trough Lunch Bucket.
When you need a break, or when you finally get to go home at the end of a 12-hour work day, just hop into your Wear Fit Plastic Exercise Ball and start running. It's a great way to get around the office and it makes commuting a lot of fun!
And for those truly generous corporate overlords, try the Wear House Worker Habitat. Whether your habitat is in your office building or nearby, your Wear House Worker Habitat can be linked to your workspace via large, high-impact plexiglass tubes that can accommodate your Wear Fit Exercise Ball. This will allow you to travel to and from work in safety, ease, and comfort.
So if you're worried that your manager is going to realize that Open Concept floor plans truly are idiotic, don't worry, they won't.
Rather than trying to regain some of your personal dignity, just ask your boss to double down on the Dumbest Management Fad Of All Time and to buy some Wear Space work blinders for your office today.
The 3rd edition of Branding Yourself is now available on Amazon.com and in your local Barnes & Noble bookstore.