Long gone are the days of spiritual pilgrims climbing to the top of a far-off mountain to seek the wisdom of a holy man. And you can't find life's answers by shaking a plastic ball filled with blue water and a noncommittal cube. If you want to solve the world's mysteries, you can just ask the Great And Powerful Google.
Whether it's the answers to the big questions of life or diagnosing strange medical symptoms, people turn to Google to get the answers to their most pressing questions. They'll Google "Should I ______" and then shake their phone and see what comes up.
Recently, AT&T compiled all the "Should I. . ." questions and divided the answers up to see what each state asked the most.
For example, this year people in Massachusetts asked, "Should I update to iOS 12?" which suggests a lot of people in Massachusetts are iPhone users. On the other side of the country, in Washington state, they asked "Should I delete Facebook?" I don't know if that means that Washingtonians really hate Facebook, or if Microsoft has something sinister planned for 2019.
People in seven states were more civic-minded. Citizens of Montana, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, Delaware, Vermont, and Alaska all asked, "Should I vote?"
I mean, it's a pretty simple answer, and one you don't even need to Google. If you're ever wondering whether you should fulfill your civic duty as free citizens who are only asked to participate in a democracy that serves as a model to every other democracy in this world, the answer is always yes. That's the responsibility — and joys — of living in a free society.
Besides, it's a good way to kill a couple hours as you're waiting to freeze to death.
Colorado, South Carolina, and Utah are all taking their next big step in life asking, "Should I move?" Hawaii is asking the same question, but unless the followup question is ". . . to another house in Hawaii? Google's answer is "What the hell is wrong with you?! You live in Hawaii!"
And California is having relationship problems, because they asked "Should I move out?"
Maryland wants to know, "Should I buy a house?" They should check out Colorado, South Carolina, and Utah, because they're going to have some houses for sale soon.
Speaking of unwise financial decisions, Nevada, New Hampshire, and Rhode Island were all wondering "Should I buy Bitcoin?" Given the way that fairy dust-filled bubble popped, everyone else is asking, "Will my friends finally shut up about Bitcoin?"
I hope they shut up about cross-fit too.
Arizona, New Jersey, and North Carolina all want to look pretty because they asked "Should I cut my hair?" Arizona absolutely should because it gets hot there; New Jersey should because nobody has worn their hair like that since 1994. Honestly, who wears frosted tips?
Minnesota wants to know, "Should I freeze my credit?" That's a good idea given the various data breaches and credit card thefts in the news lately.
And now I'm suspicious about how Maryland is going to buy that house.
Illinois wants to know "Should I break up with my boyfriend?" which you probably should. I think he's already got a little side action going because Florida, Georgia, and New York all wondered "Should I text him?"
Most of the Midwest is concerned with their health. Kansas, Missouri, and Tennessee wanted to know "Should I diet?" Similarly, Mississippi, Louisiana, Kentucky, and Oklahoma all asked "Should I lose weight?" Considering those four states all clocked in at numbers 1, 5, 6, and 8 on the 10 Fattest States list, the answer is "Yes."
Look, we want you guys around, so Google some smoothie recipes and safe walking routes in your neighborhood. It took me several years to learn how to spell Mississippi, so I don't want you all going anywhere.
Nebraska and Iowa must be on some sort of spiritual cleanse, because they just want to know, "Should I fast?" Alabama wants to know if they should take vitamins. Alabama, just eat a few fruits and vegetables each day, and you'll be fine. And go for a walk with Mississippi.
But Indiana and Michigan don't care about their health — or self-respect — at all. They wanted to know, "Should I vape?"
What are you, New Jersey? What's next, a fake tan and some body spray?
Other states have the demeanor of a surly teenager: Idaho, Maine, New Mexico, Oregon, and West Virginia all asked "Should I care?" Then they stormed into their room, slammed the door, and played The Cure until dinnertime.
Connecticut wants to know whether they should continue their higher education, asking "Should I go to college?" Please do, so you can explain to Nevada, New Hampshire, Rhode Island why sinking millions of dollars into an unsecured, uninsured crypto-currency that's not tied to any financial standard is a bad idea. And tell New Jersey why they should cut their hair. Seriously, who wears frosted tips these days?
Finally, Texas must have done something they feel bad about, because they're asking "Should I apologize?"
Texas, you know what you did. And the fact that you're even asking means you know why it's wrong. You need to apologize to so many people for so much, I don't even know where to begin.
But I think you should start with what you did to Illinois and her boyfriend.
Photo credit: AT&T All Home -- Entertainment
The 3rd edition of Branding Yourself is now available on Amazon.com and in your local Barnes & Noble bookstore.
Whether it's the answers to the big questions of life or diagnosing strange medical symptoms, people turn to Google to get the answers to their most pressing questions. They'll Google "Should I ______" and then shake their phone and see what comes up.
Recently, AT&T compiled all the "Should I. . ." questions and divided the answers up to see what each state asked the most.
People in seven states were more civic-minded. Citizens of Montana, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, Delaware, Vermont, and Alaska all asked, "Should I vote?"
I mean, it's a pretty simple answer, and one you don't even need to Google. If you're ever wondering whether you should fulfill your civic duty as free citizens who are only asked to participate in a democracy that serves as a model to every other democracy in this world, the answer is always yes. That's the responsibility — and joys — of living in a free society.
Besides, it's a good way to kill a couple hours as you're waiting to freeze to death.
Colorado, South Carolina, and Utah are all taking their next big step in life asking, "Should I move?" Hawaii is asking the same question, but unless the followup question is ". . . to another house in Hawaii? Google's answer is "What the hell is wrong with you?! You live in Hawaii!"
And California is having relationship problems, because they asked "Should I move out?"
Maryland wants to know, "Should I buy a house?" They should check out Colorado, South Carolina, and Utah, because they're going to have some houses for sale soon.
Speaking of unwise financial decisions, Nevada, New Hampshire, and Rhode Island were all wondering "Should I buy Bitcoin?" Given the way that fairy dust-filled bubble popped, everyone else is asking, "Will my friends finally shut up about Bitcoin?"
I hope they shut up about cross-fit too.
Arizona, New Jersey, and North Carolina all want to look pretty because they asked "Should I cut my hair?" Arizona absolutely should because it gets hot there; New Jersey should because nobody has worn their hair like that since 1994. Honestly, who wears frosted tips?
Minnesota wants to know, "Should I freeze my credit?" That's a good idea given the various data breaches and credit card thefts in the news lately.
And now I'm suspicious about how Maryland is going to buy that house.
Illinois wants to know "Should I break up with my boyfriend?" which you probably should. I think he's already got a little side action going because Florida, Georgia, and New York all wondered "Should I text him?"
Most of the Midwest is concerned with their health. Kansas, Missouri, and Tennessee wanted to know "Should I diet?" Similarly, Mississippi, Louisiana, Kentucky, and Oklahoma all asked "Should I lose weight?" Considering those four states all clocked in at numbers 1, 5, 6, and 8 on the 10 Fattest States list, the answer is "Yes."
Look, we want you guys around, so Google some smoothie recipes and safe walking routes in your neighborhood. It took me several years to learn how to spell Mississippi, so I don't want you all going anywhere.
Nebraska and Iowa must be on some sort of spiritual cleanse, because they just want to know, "Should I fast?" Alabama wants to know if they should take vitamins. Alabama, just eat a few fruits and vegetables each day, and you'll be fine. And go for a walk with Mississippi.
But Indiana and Michigan don't care about their health — or self-respect — at all. They wanted to know, "Should I vape?"
What are you, New Jersey? What's next, a fake tan and some body spray?
Other states have the demeanor of a surly teenager: Idaho, Maine, New Mexico, Oregon, and West Virginia all asked "Should I care?" Then they stormed into their room, slammed the door, and played The Cure until dinnertime.
Connecticut wants to know whether they should continue their higher education, asking "Should I go to college?" Please do, so you can explain to Nevada, New Hampshire, Rhode Island why sinking millions of dollars into an unsecured, uninsured crypto-currency that's not tied to any financial standard is a bad idea. And tell New Jersey why they should cut their hair. Seriously, who wears frosted tips these days?
Finally, Texas must have done something they feel bad about, because they're asking "Should I apologize?"
Texas, you know what you did. And the fact that you're even asking means you know why it's wrong. You need to apologize to so many people for so much, I don't even know where to begin.
But I think you should start with what you did to Illinois and her boyfriend.
Photo credit: AT&T All Home -- Entertainment
The 3rd edition of Branding Yourself is now available on Amazon.com and in your local Barnes & Noble bookstore.