There are just some things you don't admit to in public. Or ever.
Committing murder, for example. Or being a spy. Or weird habits of an intimate nature. Or your extensive collection of Hummel figurines.
And you never, EVER tell people that you don't wash your hands. That's disgusting. You should always wash your hands, especially after you use the bathroom. But if you're one of the filthy few who don't, you should never admit to it.
You especially shouldn't admit to it on TV.
Recently, Fox News host Pete Hegseth told his co-hosts that he enjoyed spreading disease and germs everywhere, especially when he shook hands with people or shared popcorn.
He didn't say exactly that. What he did say is that he did not believe in washing his hands at all ever. Even when he goes to the bathroom. Or sneezes into his hands.
It all started when one of his co-hosts, Jedediah Bila, hassled Hegseth on the air about eating day-old pizza that had been left on the set. Personally, I don't see a big problem with that. There were many times in college that I ate leftover pizza the next morning.
Should I have not done that? Was that bad?
Of course not. Everyone knows that pizza box cardboard is hermetically sealed against germs and works better than a refrigerator.
But delicate flower Jedediah Bila thinks that eating leftover pizza is somehow wrong and that Pete Hegseth was some kind of garbage monster. I can forgive that. That's not terrible. Except then Hegseth admitted to something that's much, much worse.
"My 2019 resolution is to say things on-air that I say off-air," Hegseth said on live television. "I don't think I've washed my hands for 10 years."
What seriously?
Yep, seriously.
Hear that everyone who has ever shaken hands with Hegseth? That guy you said hello to the other day hasn't washed his hands since 2009.
It's like finding out that when you were kids, your little sister used your toothbrush to clean out her nostrils.
"I inoculate myself," he continued, digging the hole a little deeper. "Germs are not a real thing. I can't see them; therefore, they're not real."
Seriously? You can't see germs, which means they're not real? You're basing your entire personal hygiene practice on the fact that you've never seen an actual germ?
Look, I've never seen China, but I believe it exists.
Smart people have told me China exists. There are stories and studies about China. People have taken pictures of China. And plenty of other people have told me they have seen China, so I believe them.
Hegseth's argument falls apart if he's a Christian. Or his faith does.
His proud declaration inspired other people to share their vile practice on social media.
If you don't see what the problem is, or you think splashing your hands under some cold water is enough, think of it this way:
Let's say you order a burger at a restaurant. But before you eat, you shove the burger down your pants and rub it around a little. Then you reassemble the burger and take a nice big bite.
Gross, right? You would never do that, because it's unhygienic, right?
But if you don't wash your hands after you use the bathroom — no matter what you did in there! — that's exactly what you are doing. You're transferring whatever you did in the bathroom onto your food, and then you're eating it.
So if you're not a hand washer, think about that the next time you eat.
Think about your day and everything you touched. Think about every supermarket grocery cart and every public door handle you grabbed. Think about every time you shoved your finger up your nose or sneezed into your hands. Think about every time you scratched where it itches. Think about every time you went to the bathroom and what you wiped or held in there.
The rest of you, just remember that you're shaking hands with those people.
But the stupidest part? It's Hegseth's willful ignorance of centuries of well-established science on this matter.
Dutchman Anton van Leeuwenhoek invented the microscope in 1666, and is considered the Father of Microbiology. He was the first person to document microbes and bacteria. And legions of scientists and microbiologists and medical researchers have spent the last three-and-half centuries working with bacteria and microbes, thanks to his work.
They have shown again and again that washing your hands prevents the spread of disease. That all those things you touch throughout the day have germs on them, and if you don't wash your hands a few times a day, you'll spread them to everyone else. But some TV Tomnoddy just dismisses the work of hundreds of thousands of scientists because he didn't pay attention in science class.
That's not bravery, it's peak idiocy. We're living in the Nitwit Dynasty and Pete Hegseth is the emperor.
I don't know which is worse: the fact that he admitted to not washing his hands after he poops, or that he thinks there's no such thing as germs because none of them have ever come up to shake his hand.
After a confession like that, I don't think anyone ever will again.
Photo credit: Jan Verkoije (Painting of Anthonie van Leeuwenhoek, Wikimedia Commons, Public Domain)
The 3rd edition of Branding Yourself is now available on Amazon.com and in your local Barnes & Noble bookstore.
Committing murder, for example. Or being a spy. Or weird habits of an intimate nature. Or your extensive collection of Hummel figurines.
And you never, EVER tell people that you don't wash your hands. That's disgusting. You should always wash your hands, especially after you use the bathroom. But if you're one of the filthy few who don't, you should never admit to it.
You especially shouldn't admit to it on TV.
Recently, Fox News host Pete Hegseth told his co-hosts that he enjoyed spreading disease and germs everywhere, especially when he shook hands with people or shared popcorn.
He didn't say exactly that. What he did say is that he did not believe in washing his hands at all ever. Even when he goes to the bathroom. Or sneezes into his hands.
It all started when one of his co-hosts, Jedediah Bila, hassled Hegseth on the air about eating day-old pizza that had been left on the set. Personally, I don't see a big problem with that. There were many times in college that I ate leftover pizza the next morning.
Should I have not done that? Was that bad?
Of course not. Everyone knows that pizza box cardboard is hermetically sealed against germs and works better than a refrigerator.
But delicate flower Jedediah Bila thinks that eating leftover pizza is somehow wrong and that Pete Hegseth was some kind of garbage monster. I can forgive that. That's not terrible. Except then Hegseth admitted to something that's much, much worse.
"My 2019 resolution is to say things on-air that I say off-air," Hegseth said on live television. "I don't think I've washed my hands for 10 years."
What seriously?
Yep, seriously.
Hear that everyone who has ever shaken hands with Hegseth? That guy you said hello to the other day hasn't washed his hands since 2009.
It's like finding out that when you were kids, your little sister used your toothbrush to clean out her nostrils.
"I inoculate myself," he continued, digging the hole a little deeper. "Germs are not a real thing. I can't see them; therefore, they're not real."
Seriously? You can't see germs, which means they're not real? You're basing your entire personal hygiene practice on the fact that you've never seen an actual germ?
Look, I've never seen China, but I believe it exists.
Smart people have told me China exists. There are stories and studies about China. People have taken pictures of China. And plenty of other people have told me they have seen China, so I believe them.
Hegseth's argument falls apart if he's a Christian. Or his faith does.
His proud declaration inspired other people to share their vile practice on social media.
If you don't see what the problem is, or you think splashing your hands under some cold water is enough, think of it this way:
Let's say you order a burger at a restaurant. But before you eat, you shove the burger down your pants and rub it around a little. Then you reassemble the burger and take a nice big bite.
But if you don't wash your hands after you use the bathroom — no matter what you did in there! — that's exactly what you are doing. You're transferring whatever you did in the bathroom onto your food, and then you're eating it.
So if you're not a hand washer, think about that the next time you eat.
Think about your day and everything you touched. Think about every supermarket grocery cart and every public door handle you grabbed. Think about every time you shoved your finger up your nose or sneezed into your hands. Think about every time you scratched where it itches. Think about every time you went to the bathroom and what you wiped or held in there.
The rest of you, just remember that you're shaking hands with those people.
But the stupidest part? It's Hegseth's willful ignorance of centuries of well-established science on this matter.
Dutchman Anton van Leeuwenhoek invented the microscope in 1666, and is considered the Father of Microbiology. He was the first person to document microbes and bacteria. And legions of scientists and microbiologists and medical researchers have spent the last three-and-half centuries working with bacteria and microbes, thanks to his work.
They have shown again and again that washing your hands prevents the spread of disease. That all those things you touch throughout the day have germs on them, and if you don't wash your hands a few times a day, you'll spread them to everyone else. But some TV Tomnoddy just dismisses the work of hundreds of thousands of scientists because he didn't pay attention in science class.
That's not bravery, it's peak idiocy. We're living in the Nitwit Dynasty and Pete Hegseth is the emperor.
I don't know which is worse: the fact that he admitted to not washing his hands after he poops, or that he thinks there's no such thing as germs because none of them have ever come up to shake his hand.
After a confession like that, I don't think anyone ever will again.
Photo credit: Jan Verkoije (Painting of Anthonie van Leeuwenhoek, Wikimedia Commons, Public Domain)
The 3rd edition of Branding Yourself is now available on Amazon.com and in your local Barnes & Noble bookstore.