Little ditty about Jack and Amanda, two married kids wearing pirate bandanas.
In a move that nobody saw coming — mostly because one of them is a ghost — Amanda and Jack Teague are now divorced.
Regular readers of this column will remember the Teagues' 2016 wedding in a little boat 12 miles off the coast of Ireland in international waters. The marriage between Jack Sparrow impersonator Amanda and the Dead Pirate Roberts even made worldwide news as the two soulmates promised to be united forever for the rest of her life.
I'm not gonna lie, I was a little sad about this latest development: If those two couldn't make it in this crazy, mixed-up world, what chance did any of us who married a ghost have?
You may remember, Jack was a Haitian-born pirate who had been hanged for "thieving on the high seas" in the 1700s, and Amanda was a spiritualist and regular communicator with ghosts when she met Jack.
The two married after an enchanting two-year courtship.
As Amanda told the Irish Sun back in 2016, "I told him I wasn’t really cool with having casual sex with a spirit and I wanted us to make a proper commitment to each other. If I am going to be in a long-term relationship with somebody I have the right to be married."
While the wedding was a lovely maritime affair with 12 of Amanda's closest friends and family, plus a spirit medium who could speak for Jack during the vows, things turned sour within a few weeks of their nuptials.
Amanda's health started to deteriorate, as she began suffering from perianal abscesses, sepsis, and cirrhosis.
Amanda told Metro UK that it was about four or five months into the marriage "when things started to go downhill." She went back to some of the other people who had communicated with Jack, and they all said Jack was "a lovely spirit who wouldn't harm me."
But she became truly concerned after her dog, Toby, died. That's when she discovered that Toby didn't actually like Jack.
You know, after Toby died, not before. They say dogs can spot ghosts and spirits, but it doesn't sound like Toby had any problems with Jack until afterward.
So, that's weird.
"I knew (Toby's) passing was imminent, and I'd asked Jack to keep him until it was my time so we'd all be together," Amanda said. "But Toby wouldn’t go to Jack, he was incredibly aggressive and wouldn’t go near him."
Again, this all started after Toby died, not before.
Apparently, Toby had been totally cool with a 300-year-old pirate moving into his house, but it wasn't until he died that Amanda realized there was a problem.
"In the end, (Toby) had to go to my mother because he just didn’t want to be near him," Amanda said. "Animals are quite intuitive about people so this was a big red flag to me."
I assume Amanda had to drive Toby's ghost over there, since I don't imagine he knew the way himself. Or did she take the bus, and use one of those "invisible dog" leashes you get at theme parks and novelty stores?
After that, Amanda said their her health continued to — wait a second. I'm not done with the whole Toby thing yet. I have many questions.
Like, did Amanda tell her mother that she was dropping Toby off or did she just sneak him into the house and hide him in her old room? Did her mom promise to feed Toby and take him for walkies? Was her mom even cool with having a ghost dog in the house? Are there rules about having pets in her flat? And what did she even feed Toby? Can you be allergic to ghost dogs?
Seriously, Metro UK, you have to ask these questions. That's just shoddy reporting.
Amanda said her health continued to deteriorate as she and Jack continued having sex.
"I'd never had these before I was with Jack," she said. So she stopped having sex with him to see if that made a difference. Apparently it did, because the abscesses started to heal up.
"And I'd say that was literally the best three weeks I'd had since we got married," she said. Apparently, abscesses do not make the heart grow fonder.
Amanda confirmed her suspicions after she said another friend got married to her spiritual partner, and afterward the Teagues "ended up being intimate."
The next day, the abscesses were back even worse than before, and Amanda developed sepsis, so she went in for surgery. She was hospitalized for a week and almost died. Afterward, she was told she might need a colostomy bag because her colon was perforated.
Amanda began communicating with her spiritual team again, after realizing Jack had been blocking her from them. They told her Jack had possessed her and had been stealing her energy.
Shocked, Amanda confronted Jack, and he threatened to kill her if she attempted to leave him or have him exorcised.
This was too much for her. Amanda couldn't have this spirit in her life anymore, so last December, Amanda exorcised and divorced him, cutting him out of her life completely.
As a result, her health has greatly improved. Even her bowel had completely healed, something that just doesn't happen without surgery.
In the end (sorry!), Amanda has sworn off all spiritual work and cut ties with the spiritual world. "I've quit it all because I'm terrified," Amanda said.
Does that mean Toby still lives with Amanda's mom?
Photo credit: "Blackbeard the Pirate," engraved by Benjamin Cole, circa 1724 (Wikimedia Commons, Public Domain)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.
In a move that nobody saw coming — mostly because one of them is a ghost — Amanda and Jack Teague are now divorced.
Regular readers of this column will remember the Teagues' 2016 wedding in a little boat 12 miles off the coast of Ireland in international waters. The marriage between Jack Sparrow impersonator Amanda and the Dead Pirate Roberts even made worldwide news as the two soulmates promised to be united forever for the rest of her life.
I'm not gonna lie, I was a little sad about this latest development: If those two couldn't make it in this crazy, mixed-up world, what chance did any of us who married a ghost have?
The two married after an enchanting two-year courtship.
As Amanda told the Irish Sun back in 2016, "I told him I wasn’t really cool with having casual sex with a spirit and I wanted us to make a proper commitment to each other. If I am going to be in a long-term relationship with somebody I have the right to be married."
While the wedding was a lovely maritime affair with 12 of Amanda's closest friends and family, plus a spirit medium who could speak for Jack during the vows, things turned sour within a few weeks of their nuptials.
Amanda's health started to deteriorate, as she began suffering from perianal abscesses, sepsis, and cirrhosis.
Amanda told Metro UK that it was about four or five months into the marriage "when things started to go downhill." She went back to some of the other people who had communicated with Jack, and they all said Jack was "a lovely spirit who wouldn't harm me."
But she became truly concerned after her dog, Toby, died. That's when she discovered that Toby didn't actually like Jack.
You know, after Toby died, not before. They say dogs can spot ghosts and spirits, but it doesn't sound like Toby had any problems with Jack until afterward.
So, that's weird.
"I knew (Toby's) passing was imminent, and I'd asked Jack to keep him until it was my time so we'd all be together," Amanda said. "But Toby wouldn’t go to Jack, he was incredibly aggressive and wouldn’t go near him."
Again, this all started after Toby died, not before.
Apparently, Toby had been totally cool with a 300-year-old pirate moving into his house, but it wasn't until he died that Amanda realized there was a problem.
"In the end, (Toby) had to go to my mother because he just didn’t want to be near him," Amanda said. "Animals are quite intuitive about people so this was a big red flag to me."
I assume Amanda had to drive Toby's ghost over there, since I don't imagine he knew the way himself. Or did she take the bus, and use one of those "invisible dog" leashes you get at theme parks and novelty stores?
After that, Amanda said their her health continued to — wait a second. I'm not done with the whole Toby thing yet. I have many questions.
Like, did Amanda tell her mother that she was dropping Toby off or did she just sneak him into the house and hide him in her old room? Did her mom promise to feed Toby and take him for walkies? Was her mom even cool with having a ghost dog in the house? Are there rules about having pets in her flat? And what did she even feed Toby? Can you be allergic to ghost dogs?
Seriously, Metro UK, you have to ask these questions. That's just shoddy reporting.
Amanda said her health continued to deteriorate as she and Jack continued having sex.
"I'd never had these before I was with Jack," she said. So she stopped having sex with him to see if that made a difference. Apparently it did, because the abscesses started to heal up.
"And I'd say that was literally the best three weeks I'd had since we got married," she said. Apparently, abscesses do not make the heart grow fonder.
Amanda confirmed her suspicions after she said another friend got married to her spiritual partner, and afterward the Teagues "ended up being intimate."
The next day, the abscesses were back even worse than before, and Amanda developed sepsis, so she went in for surgery. She was hospitalized for a week and almost died. Afterward, she was told she might need a colostomy bag because her colon was perforated.
Amanda began communicating with her spiritual team again, after realizing Jack had been blocking her from them. They told her Jack had possessed her and had been stealing her energy.
Shocked, Amanda confronted Jack, and he threatened to kill her if she attempted to leave him or have him exorcised.
This was too much for her. Amanda couldn't have this spirit in her life anymore, so last December, Amanda exorcised and divorced him, cutting him out of her life completely.
As a result, her health has greatly improved. Even her bowel had completely healed, something that just doesn't happen without surgery.
In the end (sorry!), Amanda has sworn off all spiritual work and cut ties with the spiritual world. "I've quit it all because I'm terrified," Amanda said.
Does that mean Toby still lives with Amanda's mom?
Photo credit: "Blackbeard the Pirate," engraved by Benjamin Cole, circa 1724 (Wikimedia Commons, Public Domain)
