Apparently, I missed two separate stories about some important Google research this past February. One was a state-by-state breakdown of the most frequently asked relationship advice questions, and the other was about top Valentine's Day-related gifts and surprises.
I combined the results to see if I could find any interesting patterns. Here's what I found.
For example, when it came to relationship advice, Arizona searched the most for "How to break up." It's such an unfortunate question, and you have to wonder why so many people were asking that question during the month of love.
You'll stop wondering when you find their most frequent Valentine's Day search was "Venereal Disease."
So you can kill two birds with one stone if you wish someone a "Happy VD" in Arizona.
Tennessee also searched for "Venereal Disease" as its Valentine's Day topic, which made their relationship question a little awkward: "Does he love me?"
I'm guessing the answer is "no."
Arizona wasn't the only state that wanted to break up. Thirteen other states wanted to take a weekend trip to Dumpsville, including Alaska, Delaware, Maryland, and Oklahoma.
Missouri and South Carolina also searched for "How to break up," in addition to "Poetry."
I would love to be a fly on that wall. "Roses are red, Violets are blue, someone's getting dumped, and it's not me."
New Mexico's breakup must have happened in January because their question was "How to get over a breakup." It sounds rough too, because their Valentine's Day search was "Red Lobster."
I mean, it's no chocolate chip cookie dough, but you can bury a lot of pain with all-you-can-eat scampi.
Michigan was kind of cute because they asked, "Does she love me?" And they thought they could sweeten the deal by searching for "heart-shaped pizza."
Michigan, if she falls for that, hold onto her for the rest of your life because you'll never find anyone better.
Finding out your partner's feelings was a common question as other states wanted to know "Does he love me?" and "Does she love me?"
This was not an even split though, as eight states wanted to know if "he" loves me and only five wanted to know if "she" did.
Alabama was one of the eight to ask "does he love me." They also searched for "Filet Mignon recipe," so Alabama's got a real shot at this.
On the other hand, faith and fidelity seem to be a big problem for more than 10 percent of the country, as six states all searched for "I cheated on my ________" with an even split between "girlfriend" and "boyfriend."
Surprisingly, none of the cheating states searched for "Venereal disease" which, I won't lie, surprised me a lot. Instead, two of them — California and Florida, who both cheated on their "girlfriend" — searched for Friendship Day.
Meanwhile, New York and Pennsylvania — who cheated on their girlfriend and boyfriend, respectively — both searched for Edible Arrangements, so at least we have a clue as to how they were cheating.
But Georgia and Illinois both cheated on their boyfriend and each searched for Longhorn Steakhouse and Hooters, and now I don't know what to think.
Meanwhile, the Valentine's Day food Indiana and Iowa searched for was "Texas Roadhouse," which is about as unromantic as grandma's meatloaf. We Midwesterners are not known for romance, except for Michigan who's totally rocking it with that heart-shaped pizza.
Wisconsin is especially bad at Valentine's Day, since their search was for "Dirty Valentines." Dude, if that's your idea of romance, you're going to strike out about as hard as North Carolina who searched for "Golden Corral prices." The only one who's sleeping on the couch tonight though is North Dakota, which searched for "Free eCards."
Jeez, North Dakota, even Kentucky's putting a little cash on the line. They at least searched for "Valentine's Day deals."
Maine may nail Valentine's Day though. They searched for "How to kiss" and "The Bachelor," so way to shoot for the stars there, Maine!
In fact, 20 percent of the country is bad at kissing, because 10 states all searched for "How to kiss."
Montana searched for "How to kiss" as well as "how to cook lobster tail," so they must feel good about their lobster cooking skills. Personally, I don't think I could eat seafood that far away from the ocean.
Hawaii had the right idea though. They searched for "seafood near me," which Google replied with, "Everywhere. You're surrounded by the ocean."
But if anyone's going to take the prize for freakiest Valentine's Day, that had to be Oregon, whose relationship question was "Open relationship," even as they were looking for a "cheese fondue recipe," which I'm sure is not at all creepy.
Maybe you can hook up with Rhode Island, which also searched for "Open relationship" and "Steak & BJ Day."
Note: The original closer for the newspapers was this line below. I decided the one above wasn't as family-friendly as they might want.
Maybe you can hook up with Virginia while you're at it. They were searching for "The Melting Pot."
Photo credit: Daveynin (Flickr, Creative Commons 2.0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.
I combined the results to see if I could find any interesting patterns. Here's what I found.
For example, when it came to relationship advice, Arizona searched the most for "How to break up." It's such an unfortunate question, and you have to wonder why so many people were asking that question during the month of love.
You'll stop wondering when you find their most frequent Valentine's Day search was "Venereal Disease."
So you can kill two birds with one stone if you wish someone a "Happy VD" in Arizona.
Tennessee also searched for "Venereal Disease" as its Valentine's Day topic, which made their relationship question a little awkward: "Does he love me?"
I'm guessing the answer is "no."
Arizona wasn't the only state that wanted to break up. Thirteen other states wanted to take a weekend trip to Dumpsville, including Alaska, Delaware, Maryland, and Oklahoma.
Missouri and South Carolina also searched for "How to break up," in addition to "Poetry."
I would love to be a fly on that wall. "Roses are red, Violets are blue, someone's getting dumped, and it's not me."
New Mexico's breakup must have happened in January because their question was "How to get over a breakup." It sounds rough too, because their Valentine's Day search was "Red Lobster."
I mean, it's no chocolate chip cookie dough, but you can bury a lot of pain with all-you-can-eat scampi.
Michigan, if she falls for that, hold onto her for the rest of your life because you'll never find anyone better.
Finding out your partner's feelings was a common question as other states wanted to know "Does he love me?" and "Does she love me?"
This was not an even split though, as eight states wanted to know if "he" loves me and only five wanted to know if "she" did.
Alabama was one of the eight to ask "does he love me." They also searched for "Filet Mignon recipe," so Alabama's got a real shot at this.
On the other hand, faith and fidelity seem to be a big problem for more than 10 percent of the country, as six states all searched for "I cheated on my ________" with an even split between "girlfriend" and "boyfriend."
Surprisingly, none of the cheating states searched for "Venereal disease" which, I won't lie, surprised me a lot. Instead, two of them — California and Florida, who both cheated on their "girlfriend" — searched for Friendship Day.
Meanwhile, New York and Pennsylvania — who cheated on their girlfriend and boyfriend, respectively — both searched for Edible Arrangements, so at least we have a clue as to how they were cheating.
But Georgia and Illinois both cheated on their boyfriend and each searched for Longhorn Steakhouse and Hooters, and now I don't know what to think.
Meanwhile, the Valentine's Day food Indiana and Iowa searched for was "Texas Roadhouse," which is about as unromantic as grandma's meatloaf. We Midwesterners are not known for romance, except for Michigan who's totally rocking it with that heart-shaped pizza.
Wisconsin is especially bad at Valentine's Day, since their search was for "Dirty Valentines." Dude, if that's your idea of romance, you're going to strike out about as hard as North Carolina who searched for "Golden Corral prices." The only one who's sleeping on the couch tonight though is North Dakota, which searched for "Free eCards."
Jeez, North Dakota, even Kentucky's putting a little cash on the line. They at least searched for "Valentine's Day deals."
Maine may nail Valentine's Day though. They searched for "How to kiss" and "The Bachelor," so way to shoot for the stars there, Maine!
In fact, 20 percent of the country is bad at kissing, because 10 states all searched for "How to kiss."
Montana searched for "How to kiss" as well as "how to cook lobster tail," so they must feel good about their lobster cooking skills. Personally, I don't think I could eat seafood that far away from the ocean.
Hawaii had the right idea though. They searched for "seafood near me," which Google replied with, "Everywhere. You're surrounded by the ocean."
But if anyone's going to take the prize for freakiest Valentine's Day, that had to be Oregon, whose relationship question was "Open relationship," even as they were looking for a "cheese fondue recipe," which I'm sure is not at all creepy.
Maybe you can hook up with Rhode Island, which also searched for "Open relationship" and "Steak & BJ Day."
Note: The original closer for the newspapers was this line below. I decided the one above wasn't as family-friendly as they might want.
Maybe you can hook up with Virginia while you're at it. They were searching for "The Melting Pot."
Photo credit: Daveynin (Flickr, Creative Commons 2.0)
