FAQs for MyTeen™

Thank you for purchasing MyTeen™, the revolutionary new mobile app that lets parents and teenagers communicate clearly, better understand each other, and strengthen your bonds.

MyTeen™ is a relationship-building app that helps you manage those Terrible Teens — just like the Terrible Twos, but they last for 6 – 8 years — by helping you communicate with teenagers in their own language.

How does MyTeen™ work?
MyTeen™ is primarily a language translator that relies on both Google Translate and Urban Dictionary to help you understand what your teenager is saying, as well as interpret your messages back into the grunts and sullen stares of their own communication style. Now you can discuss video games, teen fashion, and last week's episode of Jane The Virgin without actually needing to know anything about it.

Can it translate emojis?
Absolutely! We're proud to introduce our new voice-to-emoji translation engine that will not only read messages written in emoji, it will convert those messages into plain English and read them in your phone's voice. Now you can finally understand what Dizzy-Face, Bomb, Poop emoji means.

And in case your nosy in-laws are nearby, we also have a Grandparents filter to bleep out certain terms, such as Eggplant and Purple Umbrella. This way, you don't have to explain your teen's messages or listen to "in my day" stories for the next three hours.

Can MyTeen™ help me be cooler?
Look, I'll be honest, that ship sailed years ago. I mean, sure the MyTeen™ AI engine will keep you up to date on the latest slang and emoji usage. It can even stop you from inadvertently sending messages that cause your teen to roll their eyes and share your messages with their friends.

MyTeen™ can help you avoid certain teenage faux pas by delivering a mild-but-mostly-safe shock whenever you say something your own mother would have said, like "If they make fun of you, they're not your real friends" or "Just ignore bullies and they'll go away."

But MyTeen™ cannot stop you from wearing mom jeans or socks and sandals. We're an app company, not a miracle worker.

Why does MyTeen™ want access to my Contacts list?
If your teenager ever comes home late, we send several pre-written text messages to family members and parents of your teen's friends asking if they have heard from your teenager. Messages will increase in urgency of tone.

Once we register your teenager's phone as being within 30 feet of your own phone, we will send messages that say "False alarm. [TEEN'S NAME] is home safely now," thus telling your friends and family that they can go back to bed.

MyTeen™ will also access your teenager's contacts list so you can see who is in their life. We then cross-reference that information to their friends' social media accounts and give you a trustworthiness score with our Good Apple/Bad Seed scoring system.

My teenager is acting suspiciously these days. Is it drugs? Are they on drugs? Who gave drugs to my baby?!
First of all, breathe. It's probably not drugs. But if it is drugs, you can install the HarshMyMellow™ add-on and we'll install software that plays anti-drug PSAs from the 80s and '90s anytime your teenager wants to unlock their phone.

I'm worried my teenager is hanging out with a bad crowd. Is there any way I can use MyTeen™ to keep them out of trouble?
We pride ourselves on letting your teenager grow and develop on their own, to find their own way, and establish their own boundaries. It's how we grew into well-adjusted adults, and we extend the same courtesy to our teenage users. So we would never actually condone spying on them.

Hahahaha! No, not really. Just text the phrase, "Make sure you have on clean underwear" to your teen, and we'll sneak a snippet of code onto their phone that allows you to track your teen wherever they go.

We also use the results from Good Apple/Bad Seed to alert you when your teenager is hanging out with a Bad Seed. For an additional fee, we'll send a team of strict parents to bring your teen home. On the way, we'll lecture them about their future and how we only want what's best for them.

All my pictures with my teenager show them with a sullen face and/or rolled eyes.
Using state-of-the-art technology, MyTeen™ can upload photos of your children when they were younger and happier, and didn't complain and roll their eyes at you all the time. The AI engine then extrapolates what your teen normally looks like when they're sleeping, talking with their friends, or are unaware that you're looking at them.

It then regenerates your photos, replacing the sullen-looking ingrates in your current photos with happy teenagers who are not at all embarrassed to acknowledge your existence while still relying on you for a ride everywhere.

MyTeen™: Be a part of your kid's life, since they won't look up from their phone.

Photo credit: Pixabay (Creative Commons 0)

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