Let's Play "Reveal That Gender!"

ANNOUNCER: Hello, and welcome to another week of. . .

AUDIENCE: Reveal! That! Gender!

ANNOUNCER: That's right, Reveal That Gender, the game show where revealing your baby's gender can have serious consequences for the family, their loved ones, and complete strangers. And now our host, Blaine Kilmartin!

BLAINE: Thanks, Johnny! Welcome to Reveal That Gender. Inspired by several real-life gender reveal stunts gone wrong — including a plane crash, a 47,000 acre wildfire, and a grandmother being killed by shrapnel— contestants are given a chance to reveal the gender of their unborn baby to family and friends, with some pretty hefty consequences. Now, let's meet our first family. Johnny, tell us all about them.

ANNOUNCER: He's a creative director at a marketing agency, she's a publishing assistant, and they're here with their extended family and friends, 30 in all. Let's meet Beth and Jason, the Nelsons!

BLAINE: Beth, Jason, how are you feeling? Are you excited?

BETH: You bet!

BLAINE: Now, your gender reveal stunt involves a simple cake, vanilla with coconut frosting, but the cake itself has been colored pink or blue.

JASON: I don't actually like coconut, Blaine.

BLAINE: (laughs) Oh, you won't actually eat the cake, Jason. No, you'll cut the cake, and the color of the cake will reveal the gender of your child.


BLAINE: But to make this stunt more exciting, once your baby's gender is revealed, we're going to select one member of your family and friends and. . . set fire to their house!

JASON'S MOM: Jason, honey, you didn't tell us there would be a risk to us.

JASON: Of course there is, Mom. All gender reveal parties are risky now.. We thought that instead of just telling you in person, we wanted to make the biggest, dumbest splash possible for an event that won't actually affect any of you whatsoever throughout your entire lives.

BLAINE: What do you say, folks? Shall we. . . ?

AUDIENCE: Reveal! That! Gender!

BLAINE: Jason and Beth cut the cake, revealing. . . . a boy!

(Camera cut to a house that explodes, setting three nearby houses on fire.)

BETH'S COUSIN: Fluffy, no!

BLAINE: Don't worry, Taylor. Our Reveal That Gender crew broke into your house and removed Fluffy the cat before planting the explosives this afternoon.

TAYLOR: Oh, thank you! Did you also remove my family photos and my grandmother's heirloom jewelry?

BLAINE: (laughs) No, of course not! Now, onto our next family. Johnny, who do we have?

ANNOUNCER: He's a bartender at a craft cocktail lounge and she's a traveling nurse. They're here with both sets of grandparents-to-be. Please welcome Trent and Kayla, the Babbidge family!

BLAINE: Welcome, Babbidges! So, Trent, I understand this is your third child. Why are you playing Reveal That Gender?

TRENT: We currently have both a boy and girl, and there's a friendly competition between our parents about which gender this baby will be. Kayla's folks want a boy, and mine are praying for a girl.

BLAINE: Excellent. Now, for your gender reveal, we've filled this weather balloon with pink or blue smoke, which is being held over there by Kevin the Intern. Trent and Kayla, you're going to fire razor-sharp hunting arrows at the balloon, and when it pops, the colored smoke will reveal your baby's gender.

KEVIN: Uh, I was just supposed to get coffee.

BLAINE: But we've also upped the ante. Everyone in the audience has two buttons in front of them, one pink and one blue, which they'll press to bet on your baby's gender. Everyone who chose correctly is safe. But of those who chose incorrectly, one of them will be immediately electrocuted. Now, let's play. . .

AUDIENCE: Reveal! That! Gender!

KEVIN: My lung!

BLAINE: It's a girl!


BLAINE: Congratulations, Trent and Kayla and Mr. and Mrs. Babbidge. I hope you made a good wager.

TRENT'S DAD: You bet. The loser has to buy dessert! What do you think of that, Gifford?

KAYLA'S DAD: Well, poop.

BLAINE: Now, let's meet family number three. Johnny?

ANNOUNCER: He's the assistant manager of an organic food co-op and she's a teaching assistant at a Montessori school, and this is their first child. They traveled with a couple friends, although one of them was the random audience member from before. Let's meet Nixon and Braddock, the Abelards!

BLAINE: Welcome, Abelards. Nixon, you were telling me backstage that you're big fans of the show, right?

NIXON: Absolutely, Blaine, we've been watching from Day One.

BLAINE: That's great, that's great. Now, your gender reveal stunt is a little unusual in that only the show's producers know your baby's gender, but you don't.

AUDIENCE: Oooooohhh!

BLAINE: But wait, there's more! It also involves two convicted killers, one male and one female, lashed to those stakes at the other end of the stage. You've each been armed with a rifle, but one of your rifle has blanks. Each of you will fire, and the murderer who survives will match the gender of your baby.

And we'll reveal that gender, right after these commercial messages.


Photo credit: MarcTheShark1287 (Pixabay.com, Creative Commons 0)

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.