O Cell Phone! My Cell Phone!

8:00 am, I think: What time is it? Is it even morning? I don't know. My stupid phone is out of commission for a few days, and I'm waiting for a new one. Since my phone was my alarm clock, I have no idea what time to wake up.

9:00ish am: It's a good thing I don't have any appointments today. Or do I? Uh oh, this could be bad.

9:07 am: I'm forced to look at the microwave clock like some kind of caveman. When I'm outside, I'll have to tell time by the sun's position in the sky.

10:17 am, I think: Who was the cop in the scene after Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen wrecked their car in "Parenthood?" Let me Google—Oh right! I don't have a phone!

1:30 or so pm: I jam a stick in the ground to make a sundial, but I don't actually know which direction to face to know if it's right. I ask someone and they taunt me and laugh at my pain. I think it's around 1:30 because I haven't eaten lunch and I'm getting hangry.

1:43 pm: I look at the clock at McDonald's like some kind of caveman. My missing phone feels like a phantom limb. I can hear my text tones, but no one is messaging me. I feel the buzz of my alerts, but no one is tweeting me. I am all alone in this world. This must be how Khloe Kardashian feels when Instagram is down.

1:50 pm: Are bunions contagious? I'll just Google—Oh, right, I don't have a phone.

1:51 pm: That's kind of funny. I'll text my — dammit!

3:15 pm: Saw a bear playing "America The Beautiful" on an accordion while riding a unicorn. The bear looked right at me and said, "No one will ever believe you."

6:30 pm: What's Mr. T's real name? I'll look it up on my—oh, right.

10:37 pm: "There’s little joy in life for me, And little terror in the grave; I’ve lived the parting hour to see Of one I would have died to save." Who said that? Was that Dickinson? One of the Brontë sisters? I could look it up IF I ACTUALLY HAD A PHONE!

12:30 am: I lie in bed whisper "Hey, Siri" to the night, but there's no answer. My wife plays a game on her phone in the living room while I weep into the darkness.

Day 2

It's 4:00 in the #$*& morning!: Is it morning? It's dark outside, but I don't know what time it is. Alexa, what time is it? Oh, sorry honey, I was asking Alexa the time. Yes, I know what time it is now. Thank you. I said I was sorry!

8:18 am: I feel like I'm living in the 1800s again, like some kind of caveman. Hey Ma, where's Laura and Mary? There's milkin' to be done, and someone needs to feed the horses.

11:20 am: Who wrote the Magna Carta? Oh, right.

3:00ish: On the upside, I have not gotten a single spam call or text in the last two days.

5:17 pm: I receive a hand-written note from a Nigerian prince who smuggled $127 million out of his country. He wanted to make sure I'm okay since I haven't checked my email in two days.

7:00 pm: So hungry. Want to call and order some delivery pizza, but I can't. So I have to drive to the pizza restaurant like some kind of damn caveman.

Q:$@ 7#: I'm in a forgotten dimension where time has no meaning. I'm so lost and alone. I don't know where I end and the empty void of nothingness begins.

Day 3

Morning sometime: I long for the sweet, sweet release that death will bring. I'm just going to stay in bed until I die.

Later. Does it really even matter now?: This is boring and I have to pee. Also, I want cereal.

Later still: I'm just going to lie on the couch until I die. And watch Netflix.

Probably lunchtime: I wonder if I could build a robot to deliver food from the refrigerator. Wish I could look it up on — MY PHONE! My wife brought my new phone! This is a brand new day! It's time to turn over a new leaf, get extra organized and finally get my life back on track now that it's. . .

4:37 in the afternoon?! I'm going to go for a drive and see how much the world has changed. I wonder if my friends are still alive. Do we still use cars? What does food in the future taste like?

11:57:38 pm: Time for bed. Good night new phone. I love you. Oh, I also love you too, honey.

2:18 am: Lawrence Tureaud! Mr. T's real name is Lawrence Tureaud!

Photo credit: Erik Deckers

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.