Today's Digital Etiquette is Stupid.

I was raised that there are certain rules of etiquette one must follow. Say "please" and "thank you." Always hold the door for others, regardless of their gender. Stand up when you shake hands with people. Don't chew with your mouth open.

But I'm learning that this new age of digital etiquette has some entirely different rules, and I'm not for it. I'm not for it at all.

A recent article in the New York Post (official motto: "Somebody's got to be the worst paper in New York") discussed some of these new digital rules in Victoria Turk's new book "Kill Reply All: A Modern Guide to Online Etiquette, From Social Media to Work to Love."

In it, Turk says there are different nuances to good "netiquette," a word that's a portmanteau of "Internet" and "etiquette." She covers different rules of etiquette in the 21st century, including leaving voicemails, emailing coworkers at night, or using proper punctuation in a text.

For example, much to every word nerd's and grammar hammer's eternal pain, we're not supposed to use proper punctuation in our text messages. Or at least not periods at the end of sentences.

Turk said in her book, "Punctuation is for try-hards. Looking smart is dumb!"

That's not what she said. What she actually said is, "At the end of the text message, it’s very clear that the text message is finished. Putting a period at the end just to finish the sentence is sort of redundant."

Or, as the Post said, "Adding that extra effort makes it seem like you’re doing it for emphasis, which can come off as angry."

A period at the end of text is angry? That's not angry! That's just proper punctuation! YOU WANT TO SEE ANGRY?!?! I'LL SHOW YOU ANGRY!!!!!

See, that's how you properly demonstrate anger in a text. It's all caps and lots of exclamation points.

All a period says is "See, I paid attention in school." It says, "I care about how I present myself in written form." And it says, "Hit the space bar twice to add a period to a sentence."

If you think a period shows anger, then maybe you're a bigger snowflake than everyone says.

And that's how you do passive-aggressive snottiness. I wonder what punctuation mark shows that?

However, says Turk, emojis and exclamation points are fine — even in work emails — as long as you use them in moderation.

Oh, so exclamation points don't sound angry, but a period does? That's just stupid.

(See, I ended that last sentence there with a period, so you'd know I was in a towering rage! But these exclamation points mean I'm completely calm! And that I don't think anyone afraid of a damn period is a simpering little ninny!)

Turk said exclamation points and emojis can "help you get your tone across, because that's super difficult in email."

No, what's super difficult in email is getting people to take you seriously because you just emailed a poop emoji to the CEO.

So don't go nuts. You're a grown adult with a proper job and real responsibilities. That's why the Post said, "(D)on't go overboard, or you'll come across as silly."

Really? That's what's going to come across as silly? Using too many emojis in a work email?

HR Director: Kevin, we've been getting some complaints that you're using too many emojis in your emails, and it's hard for people to take you seriously.

Kevin: Oh, come on! The smiling kitty meant I was pleased with this month's figures. And the poop emoji was about losing that big client.

HR Director: For God's sake, Kevin, can you just act like the CFO for five minutes?

The bottom line is, if you have the kind of job where they gave you a desk, don't use emojis in your work emails.

Emoticons, on the other hand, are completely okay. ;-)

Finally, Turk says it's terribly rude to just call someone out of the blue. "When you receive a phone call you’re not expecting, it throws you off guard. It's almost intrusive," she said.

This is what a telephone is for. I don't care if Millennials have wrecked every other industry, from napkins to golf to crappy chain restaurants. They are not taking phone calls away from me.

The whole point of having a mobile phone is to make mobile phone calls to other people with mobile phones.

I like to call my friends because it's the sociable thing to do. If they're busy, they don't have to answer. But I'd like to think they're made of sterner stuff, and don't freak out just because their phone rang.

People who think phone calls are rude and intrusive need to climb down off their pedestals and realize that not everyone is going to tiptoe around their delicate sensibilities. If you don't want people to call you, turn off your phone. Otherwise, just deal with the fact that people like you and want to communicate with you from time to time.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so angry. I apologize for all those periods in my sentences.

Photo credit: (Creative Commons 0)

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.