Your State's Biggest Christmas Google Search Was. . .

The Christmas season is different for everyone, from person to person, family to family, and state to state. To prove it, Google did a state-by-state breakdown of people's most common Christmas-related searches from 2019, and these are the results.

Alaska and North Carolina got into the holiday spirit right off the bat, because their most common search was for "What is Christmas?"

Thank you, Alaska and North Carolina, for your innocent curiosity. It warms my heart to know that there are people who want to understand this most magical time of year where we join together in peace, love, and hope for the world.

Delaware's big search was "NFL scores."

Only slightly worse, Rhode Island's was "Tinder."

Christmas is a time for getting together with family, and nothing says visiting family more than Colorado's search, "Liquor stores open near me." Massachusetts must be related because their biggest search was "eggnog alcohol recipe."

For those of you who actually like getting together with family members you only see once a year, Hawaii searched for "Christmas games" and South Dakota wanted to find "family activities."

You all aren't fooling anyone, Santa sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake. And he knows what you think of your Aunt Denise.

Indiana and North Dakota want a relaxed Christmas, maybe watch a little TV, because they googled "A Christmas Story." TBS has a 24-hour marathon of it on Christmas Day, so just sit there, be quiet, and don't shoot your eye out.

Maine googled "Weather forecast," like it's some great mystery. It's snow, Maine. It's always snow. December, snow. March, snow. Mid- to late-August, it's always freaking snow!

When it comes to Christmas shopping, Connecticut, Florida, Michigan, and New York are still learning how the Internet works, because the thing they searched for the most on was ""

Grandma, we keep telling you, you don't have to use Google to search for another website. You just go up to the place where you typed and instead you type in something like and it still works! (Also, I've got a coupon code for a PlayStation 4, hint hint.)

When it comes to gift buying, Alabama really sucks at it, because their big search was "last-minute gift ideas." I'll tell you a little secret, Alabama: It's the same as the early gift ideas, but with overnight shipping.

If possible, Georgia and South Carolina are worse than Alabama, because they both searched for "stores open on Christmas."

If you're not finished shopping by Christmas Eve, that's your fault. It's selfish to expect people to work on Christmas Day just because you missed this one big deadline, despite the hours of TV commercials and Christmas music that have been reminding everyone since August.

If you're so bad at Christmas shopping that you're frantically searching for gifts on the actual day, just get everyone a plaque that says "I don't deserve your love."

Meanwhile, the state of Washington has broken up with the U.S. and moved in with Canada, because their number one search was "Boxing Day deals." What's up, Washington? Is this the '80s all over again, when you start listening to Pet Shop Boys and talk you're from England?

Arizona is cooking Christmas dinner, but they've got a few problems. They searched for "Grocery stores open on Christmas."

That stuff happens. The kitchen is in chaos, you're cooking a ham, mixing mashed potatoes, baking some pies, and you ran out of a critical ingredient. You search for open grocery stores, find that one lone store on the other side of town, and bada-bing, bada-boom! Christmas is saved!

Not Oklahoma and Tennessee though. They googled "restaurants open on Christmas Day." Get in the car, kids. Grandma burnt the ham, so we're going to Waffle House.

But Louisiana must have given up on life, because they searched for "fast food open on Christmas." Because nothing says you're just waiting to die like a Christmas Quarter Pounder.

California, Missouri, and Nevada must be looking for a break from their families, because they all wondered, "is Starbucks open on Christmas?" Not that I blame them. Given how quickly Starbucks gives up on their egg nog lattes, you have to go while the getting's good.

I loved West Virginia's search query, "Is Santa Claus real?" There's nothing like a child's curiosity to make even the coldest heart warm up and come alive.

Yes, West Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. If you believe with all your heart, are kind to other people, and you listen to your mom and dad, then Santa Claus is very real.

Texas, on the other hand, just has to ruin it for everyone. They asked, "Is the Grinch real?"

You mean the story about the tiny-hearted miser who tries to ruin everyone's holidays by stealing their happiness and joy? Yes, he's absolutely real, and you helped elect him.

Finally, I don't know who's the absolute worst at Christmas, Ohio or Wyoming. Ohio must be filled with terrible children, because their big search was "where to buy coal."

But if anyone can top that, it's the people of Wyoming, who, when they had the chance to make their family happy, spread peace and love, or wonder at the marvels of the seasons, searched only for the "Kardashian Christmas card."

Photo credit: Craig Adderley (, Creative Commons 0)

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.