British Millennials Can't Change a Lightbulb

How many British Millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because they don't know how.

I just learned about a 2018 survey by the British Internet service provider, Plusnet, that found that 84 percent of British Millennials apparently don't have the basic DIY skills to even change a light bulb.

My 17-year-old son knows how. I just asked him, and he assures me — rather snottily — that yes, of course, he can change a light bulb and how dare I even impugn his abilities. Which means a 17-year-old American kid is smarter than 84 percent of British Millennials.

I don't want to brag, but I've been changing light bulbs since I was 8 years old.

Which means that at age 8, I was smarter than most British Millennials are today.

Okay, it probably doesn't mean that, because I'm sure there are some very smart British statisticians who could explain how one small piece of knowledge does not equate to overall intelligence of an entire age demographic.

But then I would just break their light bulb and leave them sitting in the dark, confused and afraid.

Also, I just checked, and my 19-year-old daughter can change a light bulb. So suck on that, British statisticians!

Furthermore, the survey found that 74 percent of the Millennials surveyed couldn't assemble flatpack furniture like you get from Ikea, something I've been doing since I was 20. I bought my first bookshelf at that age and was able to assemble it with only a modicum of swearing.

I also know how to defrost a kitchen freezer, something that 75% of the Millennials can't do — there's literally a knob you turn to "DEFROST" and then you do nothing else for several hours.

I can also put up a basic shelf, which two-thirds of them can't do. In fact, I can even build my own bookshelves from a single sheet of plywood, which, based on the survey results, I'm sure only a teeny-tiny fraction of British Millennials can even attempt.

I'll admit that Millennials — those born between 1981 and 1996 — do get a bum rap from society, whether they're British or American. My oldest daughter is officially a Millennial — she can also change a light bulb, by the way — and she says she gets some grief about being in her particular age group.

Millennials are killing chain restaurants, complain the Boomers, or they're killing the pet food industry, or they're killing the golf industry. (Which, if you ask me, deserves it. Golf is such a stupid game. I hate and it's boring, mostly because I can't play it at all.)

Of course, the reason Millennials are killing all these industries is they prefer local restaurants to chains, they're buying high-grade pet food and not the cheap brands, and they quit playing golf because it's stupid and boring.

The big problem is that none of those industries tried to adapt to what the Millennials wanted; they just tried to force the Millennials to adapt to them and they failed.

One reason people look down on Millennials is because they think of hipsters who are perpetually 24, drink craft cocktails, eat organic, cruelty-free vegan soy, and have names like Jaxxon Fluffybeard or Paisleigh Summerrain. They think of skinny jeans, beanies, and an obnoxious number of tattoos that all have a "deep personal meaning to me," which means to "I skimmed an article about it on Vice."

But most Millennials are pretty normal. They're in their mid-30s, they have jobs and homes, they hate golf, they're married, and they give their kids stupid names like Kashton and Kynlee.

However, I will be the first to admit that they have amazing tech skills. My Generation, Generation X, has been able to figure out the tech and pretty much keep up, while our parents' generation, the Baby Boomers, still have their VCRs flashing on 12:00 after all these years.

But the Millennials were born to it. They have not only pioneered the mobile phone, but they created hundreds of thousands of mobile apps we use to make our lives easier.

We can do banking by phone because of them. We can stream movies and sports on our phones because of them. And we can play hours and hours of Words With Friends when we should be working or writing our columns because of them.

Still, the Millennials and the Boomers are busy shouting at each other, blaming each other for the world's problems. Boomers screwed up the world, Millennials are griping about the wrong problems. Millennials want to destroy tradition, Boomers are stuck in the past.

It's actually pretty entertaining to watch, if you're Generation X.

We're just sitting here, eating popcorn, and waiting for both sides to calm down and shut up.

Because someone's got to put together this new entertainment center to hold Grandma and Grandpa's VCR, and it ain't going to be those people.

Photo credit: Eglin Air Force Base, US Air Force (Public Domain)

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.