Celebrate May With These Holidays

It's already May, and it seems like just nine months ago that March ended. But we closed April out strong with National Zipper Day, and now we're looking at a very special month with plenty of holidays and celebrations to make it go faster than the 36-week month we just slogged through.

For instance, May is Mystery Month, but I'm not going to tell you why.

May is also a month for love, because it's Date Your Mate Month. So if you're not sick of your spouse or partner after the quarantine, maybe you can go out on a date, provided you take the necessary social distancing precautions.

You could also cap off the evening by celebrating National Outdoor Intercourse Day, which is exactly what you think it is. Just make sure to, you know, take the proper precautions, like wearing your face masks so no one recognizes you.

It's also National Blood Pressure Month, so maybe you need a break from the people in your life instead. Take separate vacations because May 7th is National Tourism Day.

It's appropriate that the first full week of May is Nurses' Week, and the fourth week is Emergency Medical Services Week, so be sure to thank them for the outstanding work they've done during the pandemic.

Maybe you could treat them to a nice juicy burger, since it's National Hamburger Month. Or if their tastes run a little more southern, it's also National Barbecue Month.

For you Northerners, I have been told by many a Southerner that "barbecue" is not a verb, it's a noun. To them, the difference between "grilling" and "barbecuing" is the Mason-Dixon line.

Basically, food that is cooked "low and slow" — pulled pork, beef brisket, smoked ribs — is considered barbecue. In the north, we may "barbecue" a burger, but it's completely different. But let's put these geographic differences aside this month: Treat yourself to both hamburgers and proper barbecue until you can learn the difference. As many times as it takes.

But since it's National Blood Pressure Month, you should eat a salad, because it's also National Salad Month.

(Helpful hint: Potato salad is also salad.)

May 1st is traditionally known as May Day, which is an ancient festival of Spring in many parts of the world. It's also Labor Day in most countries, except for the U.S., Canada, and Bermuda.

Better yet, May 1st is International Tuba Day, which is normally held on the first Friday of May. However, this year, we get the added bonus of Tuba Day happening on May Day. Because nothing welcomes Spring's floral bloom quite like "Ride of the Valkyries" blasting from a wearable foghorn.

May is a month for food. Not only is May 5th National Hoagie Day and Oyster Day, it's No Diet Day on the 6th, followed by Eat What You Want Day on May 11th. And to wash it all down, May 6th is also National Beverage Day.

Eat What You Want Day comes exactly one week after National Candied Orange Peel Day. I have never had Candied Orange Peel, but I don't think I want to eat that.

May 4th is Star Wars Day, as in "May the 4th be with you," and it will be 24 hours of Star Wars nerd jokes, followed up by two days of arguing whether the day celebrating Star Wars, Episode III is "Revenge of the Fifth" or "Revenge of the Sixth."

And then someone else will tweet "#AllMoviesMatter," and they'll be so brutally savaged they'll become Star Trek fans.

May 9th is Lost Sock Memorial Day, when we all share a moment of silence for our beloved socks that have been lost and eaten by their nemesis, the clothes dryer.

We lost a lot of good socks out there, warm socks, colorful socks, ankle socks and dress socks. I lost my favorite sock to that dryer, and I hold onto her mate in the hope that she'll be found again someday.

Call your mom on May 10th, because that's Mother's Day. And if you didn't make your Mother's Day Brunch reservations by last December, forget it, because they're booked up until 2022.

May 30th is National Mint Julep Day, which really should be celebrated on Kentucky Derby Day, May 2nd — or just "Derby Day," as they call it in Kentucky. But I'd be happy to drink mint juleps twice in one month. And maybe a third on Beverage Day.

And I'll need something to get rid of the tasted of candied orange peels, so. . .

Finally, Sunday, May 24th is National Escargot Day, which is when the Indianapolis Motor Speedway has that big race where they paint the letter 'S' on all the cars, and all the fans cheer, "Wow, look at that S car go!"

Wait, wait, I'm sorry. Dad Joke Day is next month. My mistake. I'll see myself out.

Just don't forget to call your mother.

Photo credit: Erik Deckers (Me. I took this at Boogie Burger in Indianapolis before I closed.)

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.