What Foods Does Your State Hate?

It takes a lot to hate something. I don't mean have a strong aversion to. Not loathe. Not "really, really, really dislike."

To hate something — to truly H-H-H-H-HATE it — is taxing. It occupies your waking thoughts, makes your heart pound, and devours your soul. It's an all-consuming fire that burns like the sun. And you finally understand what Herman Melville wrote in Moby Dick — and Khan hissed at the end of Star Trek II — "From hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee." And then your ride home gets destroyed.

So when people say they hate a certain food, I don't think they had the same depth of feeling that Captain Ahab felt for that whale.

A few years ago, the dating app Hater assembled a collection of the foods that each state hates the most, based on information people gave in their dating profile.

Hater is the app that tries to bring people together on the things they hate. If you both hate the same things, Hater figures you'll have something to talk about over dinner.

Just don't order veggie burgers in Oklahoma, because that's their most hated food. Given that state's rich cowboy history, I can't blame them. Most veggie burgers are made from tumbleweeds to begin with, which is what Oklahomans consider a salad.

Nearby, Texas hates a well-done steak, and nothing could make me love Texas more at this moment. I may disagree with Texas on a lot of things — well, on most things — but we are at least united in our distaste for a well-done steak.

I won't bore you with stories about how chefs will cook a well-done steak in the deep fryer, but if you order that in a restaurant, just know that this is what they do. Because they don't respect you or your terrible taste. The well-done steak customer is never right.

Meanwhile, Indiana hates charcuterie, which makes no sense. Charcuterie is literally meat and cheese. Indiana is a meat-and-potatoes state to begin with, so what's wrong with charcuterie? The only state that should like meat and cheese more than us is Wisconsin, but they hate Lunchables.

That's because Wisconsin grew up on their own version of Lunchables: bratwurst slices and cheese curds.

South Dakota is just as bad because they hate expensive cheese plates, which is reverse snobbery. I love cheese plates of any price range, but if someone else is buying, the fancier, the better. There's something pleasantly relaxing about eating fancy cheese you don't have to pay for.

Beverages also made the Hater's Great State Plate Hate. Arizona hates kombucha, Nevada hates La Croix, and Pennsylvania hates chai lattes. And Hawaii hates Coca-Cola. People may think you're a paradise, Hawaii, but this tells people how terrible you can be.

New Jersey hates gas station wine, which is about as believable as a teenager who hates kissing. I thought gas station wine was your state bird or something.

Pizza was a trigger for nearly 10 percent of the entire country: Michigan hates cold pizza because they never had morning pizza in college. Delaware hates Hawaiian pizza, New York hates putting Ranch dressing on pizza, and Virginia hates dabbing pizza with a napkin.

That's not actually a food choice, Virginia, but you've led a sheltered life. If you've never had pepperoni grease drip down your arm, have you truly lived?

Also, I'm with Delaware on the whole Hawaiian pizza thing; I'd rather eat a veggie burger in Oklahoma.

Missouri hates the last bite of a hot dog, and now I have so many questions.

For starters, seriously, Missouri? From Hell's heart you stab at the last bite of a hot dog? That's some serious hatred for something that you'll experience every time you go to a baseball game. That's like saying I love jokes, but I hate punchlines.

I don't understand what the problem is. If you're about to eat the last bite of a hot dog, do you just grind it under your heel like a cigarette butt? Do you rend your garments and gnash your teeth when you reach the end? Or do you just throw it away, which means the one before that was the last one and now you hate that too.

Why don't you just get a whole new hot dog, eat the first bite (which is always the best), thus saving the last bite of the previous hot dog from your ill will?

Kansas hates shellfish, which is probably for the best. Never trust the seafood in a Midwestern state. And Oregon hates fast food, but given that recreational marijuana is legal in that state, you know they're lying.

Finally, if there is a bright light in all of this, if there is anything that gave me hope for our nation, it was the fact that Washington DC hates turkey bacon. If anything has ever made a strong argument for granting them statehood, this is it.

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.