Russian Woman Becomes Very Attachéd to her Husband

A Russian woman, Rain Gordon, is making world news after her marriage to her husband, Gideon, this past June.

Because Gideon is a briefcase.

Like, an actual briefcase a businessperson would use to carry important files. Or a young woman would use to carry her heart, which sounds rather morbid as I think about it.

Rain is yet another person who has "objectophila" or identifies as "objectum sexual." That is, someone who is romantically attracted to inanimate objects.

You may remember that I wrote about Amanda Liberty back in July, the woman who married a 92-year-old chandelier named Lumière. This is just like that, but with one very important difference: Amanda is 11 years older than Rain and lives in Great Britain.

Otherwise, it's identical in every way.

According to a story in the Daily Star tabloid (official motto: "Making you feel better about your own life since 1978"), Rain first met Gideon in a hardware store in 2015, when she bought him to use for a prop for a photoshoot. She began to spend more time with Gideon and developed romantic feelings for him, breaking up with her camera for him.

Rain said she has always been more attracted to objects than people: She once fell in love with a shopping center as a young girl, still living with her father and her mother the hatbox.

But it was never going to work out for Rain and the shopping center for all sorts of reasons, the least of which is that teenage romances rarely last. Also, Rain had been spending more and more time with Amazon.

In a similar story in the Daily Mirror tabloid (official motto: "At least you're not these people"), Rain told Russian media, "I had no idea that we would end up together. I admired how he looked, but I didn't think anything more. I slowly realized I was starting to fall in love."

The two began to spend more time together, and the two would have philosophical conversations for three or four hours, like whether Gideon was half-full or half-empty.

"Our spiritual connection and communication is shown telepathically," Rain said. "I hear him, and he hears me, but from the outside it looks like a monologue."

Oh, no, from the outside it looks exactly like you're talking to a briefcase.

Still, I thought Rain was a bit young to settle down. She should have toured Europe, dated a nice backpack from Sweden or something.

The two were married in June by a friend of Rain's. She looked radiant, wearing a white business suit from the '90s with padded shoulders and a tiny waist. He looked very handsome, with a riveted-on bowtie, standing with a rolling suitcase as his best man. The bride was walked down the aisle by a steamer trunk.

Rain even had special rings made for the two of them, and she bolted Gideon's on him and then placed hers on her own finger before the officiant pronounced them handbag and wife.

It's a good match for Rain, and she's happy. She says Gideon is more than just a partner to her: "He's a friend and mentor as well."

I imagine he's very business-like, and probably carries a lot of information in his head. And she can stick her lunch in him when they go out.

"His moral support helps me more than anyone else," she said. "Sometimes I feel like Gideon knows me better than I do."

Other times, when the two argue, Gideon probably changes his combination lock and refuse to open up for hours.

Rain said she's not completely over men. She did have a relationship with a human man for two years in 2017, but it didn't end well.

"He discovered my addition to objects," said Rain, "and this was one of the reasons why we broke up."

Rain said she couldn't connect with her human boyfriend, and that when she was told to choose between him and Gideon, she told the guy to pack his bags and leave. Just not the blue one; that was her best friend, Katina.

But as I look at photos of Rain and Gideon, I don't get what she sees in him. He's more of an industrial-style briefcase with a textured, pebbled finish and reinforced corners. Not like one of those slick aluminum briefcases who owns a sports car and works for a stockbroker or a shiny leather one that a college professor might carry.

Still, Gideon is more of your solid blue-collar working man, not one of those stuffed shirts who's more concerned with money than with people. So if Rain is going to end up with a briefcase, at least it's someone who knows the value of carrying an honest day's work.

I hope the two will be very happy, settling down, raising children, Gideon doubling up as a diaper bag.

Rain said she has received support from her brothers and her friends, although she has faced some backlash for her attraction to objects.

"To ridicule and humiliate us for the fact that the ones we love are not like everyone else is disgusting.," said Rain. "Love is love."

That is true. You might even say it's an open-and-shut case.

Photo credit: Flgsonic (Pixabay, Creative Commons 0)

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.