Most Googled Valentine's Gift Ideas

Valentine's Day is one of those weird holidays in my family. My wife and I have been married for 27 Valentine's Days now, and each year, it's the same thing. Around the 12th, one of us asks the other, "Are we getting anything for each other this year?"

"Oh, I don't care," the other says.

Then we remember we like gifts and say, "Sure, why not?"

That means we have to find something that's not too expensive but looks like we put some thought into it.

What would help is a list of suggestions people around the country have Googled for their romantic partners.

It turns out did exactly that. The company analyzed Google's Trend's statistics for the last 16 Valentine's Days and broke them down by state to see what people searched for the most in each state.

As you might expect, chocolate is a popular, if unimaginative, idea. Ten states searched for it, including Illinois, Michigan, Oregon, and Rhode Island. I figured the Ocean State would have searched for saltwater taffy, but maybe they know something I don't. Still, my wife has a box of chocolates in the fridge left over from her birthday in November, so that's not a good choice.

Indiana searched for conversation hearts, which weren't even good when we were kids. If you give those to your loved one, your next Google search should be "relationship counselors near me."

The other predictable gift was flowers, which seven states searched for, including Kansas, California, Maryland, and Florida, plus the District of Columbia. I don't like giving overpriced flowers when I'm emotionally blackmailed by the Greeting Card Industrial Complex. I'll surprise her with some this summer and be a hero for half the price.

In what may be my favorite gift idea, Kentucky, South Dakota, Tennessee, and Wisconsin all searched for "puppy," and Washington searched for "kitten."

Sadly, this was no help because we already have two puppies in the house, and nearly all of us are allergic to cats. Still, I did give the idea some serious thought.

Meanwhile, Hawaii and Virginia both searched for champagne, and Oklahoma and Utah searched for romantic dinner.

BORING! Nothing says "trite and predictable" like a romantic dinner on Valentine's Day.

Remember, I want a gift that's special and out of the ordinary. A romantic dinner on Valentine's Day is the opposite of that. Everyone has a romantic dinner on Valentine's Day, everyone gets flowers, and everyone gets chocolate. It's about as predictable as a Disney movie with as much emotional depth as a senior prom.

Maine and Nevada searched for a couples massage, but Nevada already stands in several morally and legally gray areas, so I didn't trust that particular suggestion.

Arkansas and North Dakota searched for couple's tattoos, which was not surprising and also not a good idea because 1) I'm not allowed to get a tattoo, and 2) if I ever do, I'm getting a comma tattooed on the inside of my wrist. That way, when I raise my hand, it can be an apostrophe.

Both Iowa and New Jersey searched for tandem bicycles, which has never struck me as a very romantic present, especially in the middle of winter.

"Happy Valentine's Day. Here's a gift we can't use for at least 60 days."

Besides, the view on a tandem bike is terrible for half of the team: Someone is always staring at someone else's ass for the entire ride. And I'm guessing the person who thought a tandem bicycle was a romantic idea is not sporting a rear-end you'd want to gaze at for 100 miles.

Louisiana and New Mexico got into the spirit of the holiday, though. Louisiana searched for plus-size lingerie, and New Mexico searched for boxer shorts. Give them a bottle of Virginia's champagne, and they're set for the rest of the evening.

Meanwhile, all the magic has gone out of New York's relationship because they searched for pajamas.

The only thing more pathetic may have been Connecticut because they want to give their sweetheart a yoga mat.

The whole point of a Valentine's gift is to be thoughtful, caring, and romantic. A yoga mat is none of those things. It's a chance for your partner to work out alone in silence, focusing their energy and thoughts inward to guide them through personal enlightenment and self-improvement.

Yoga is a great activity and all, but the only thing that says "Don't touch me right now" more is a forgotten memory of that thing you said about her mother.

Alabama may have had the sweetest gift in the entire country because they searched for "name a star." Why buy your sweetheart a box of chocolates or chalky conversation hearts — seriously, Indiana! — when you can give her the galaxy?

And for the worst present idea, Idaho wins in a landslide with "love coupon." Why do I have a vision of a quarter-sheet of paper on it with a scribbled offer of one free massage, only it's spelled as "message."

Come on, Idaho, at least New Hampshire and Texas searched for gift cards. The only thing worse than phoning in your gift is a hand-scribbled love coupon.

But at least you weren't as bad as Wyoming. Their Valentine's Day gift search was sex toys.

Who says romance is dead?

Never change, Wyoming. Never change.

Photo credit: TerriC (Pixabay, Creative Commons 0)

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.