Owing to the increased proliferation of sexual harassment in the corporate world, the Human Resources Department has created this Frequently Asked Questions document. The objective is to help employees understand what constitutes appropriate/inappropriate workplace behavior and avoid unwanted sexual attention. If you have any questions, please contact us to dialog with us about your concerns
Can I date a girl at work?
Did you just call a woman in her 20s or older a girl?
Um, I—no? Sorry! Sorry, I meant, can I date a woman at work?
Thank you. The short answer is no.
What's the longer answer?
No, absolutely not.
Yes, seriously. Basically, if a woman is interested in dating you, she will present form HR 1701, "Coworker Dating Proposal," to you, fully completed, including her mobile number, links to her social media profiles, Tinder profile, and any food allergies.
If you are not presented with this form, you may not date anyone at work.
What if she really likes me but doesn't have the form?
But she really, really likes me.
Oh, "really, really" likes you? Well, that's different.
But I mean she really, really—
DID SHE GIVE YOU THE FORM?
Then no! If you don't have the form, you can't ask her to go out with you.
Hello, long-time listener, first-time caller.
What? That's not even — this is not a radio show!
Can I date a man at work?
See above. The short answer is still no.
What's the longer answer?
Were you even listening? Go back and read the beginning of this document.
IT'S 200 WORDS! That's not too long! We know you spent all morning reading a BTS fanfic novella online.
And. . . ?
I guess I won't date a man at work either.
We didn't say that. We said you each need to fill out form HR 1701, "Coworker Dating Proposal."
That's not very romantic, though. Can you make it more romantic?
What, like spray it with perfume or have it delivered with a box of chocolates?
Ooh, that's a great idea!
Absolutely not! This is Human Resources, not a dating service.
So that's it, just fill out the form?
Yes, you would each sign a copy, co-sign the other person's copy, and bring them to Human Resources. Then allow three business days for processing. You will both be notified via email, your supervisors will be CCed on the email, and the forms will be kept in your personnel file.
But it's my supervisor that I want to date. So will he be CCed AND receive the original email?
Oh, that's a bad idea. We can't in good conscience recommend that you date your supervisor. Of all the things you should never do in life, this one is right up there with drilling a hole in your own head.
What if we got his wife to sign the form?
What? NO! That's a terrible idea! Really terrible. Do not do this!
But what if she's really into it?
What the hell is wrong with — you know what? Never mind. It's not our place to judge. We don't want you to feel ashamed about being a freak. Having said that, we recommend against you dating your supervisor for any reason. It's just a bad idea altogether. It can lead to all kinds of workplace drama that no HR-authorized forms can prevent. So no, do not date your supervisor. At all. Ever.
What if he quit his job?
Do you really believe he would quit his job?
Yes. He told me he really wanted to be with me.
Muh-huh. When did he tell you this?
About six months ago.
And did he tell you he wanted to leave his wife for you?
Also six months ago.
And has he?
Try "not ever." Trust us, he's not going to leave his wife.
How do you know?!
Is this Sheila?
How did you—? *sigh* Yes.
Yeah, we've heard it all before. We can tell you, the guy is a charlatan who weaves a web of lies to snare his prey, but he'll never leave his wife. She's rich, he's not.
But how do you even know all this?
*Lights a cigarette, stares off into the middle distance through the haze* Because we were in your little red stilettos three years ago, waiting for this man, just like you. We believed his pretty lies and empty promises.
*Takes another drag off the cigarette, despite Section 107.8 of the company policy manual, which states there is to be no smoking on company premises.*
When he broke it off, we thought we would die. He said there would never be another, that no one could ever replace us. But there was. There was someone after us. And there was someone else right before you.
Oh, yes, we know all about this. . this "man."
That son of a—! I'll kill him!
Oh, please don't do that. Not without filling out form HR 6785-J, "Notification to Murder Coworker Over Infidelity in an Unrealized Love Triangle."
Photo credit ArturVerkhovetskiy (Scientists having office romance - depositphotos.com)
Kindle version here or the paperback version here.