It's Valentine's Day, and a young monkey's thoughts turn to — well, not love so much as abject rejection, as one British zoo has discovered.
In Stafford, England, officials at the Trentham Monkey Forest realized that their female macaque monkeys were swiping left on the male macaques. They just weren't interested in monkeying around anymore.
What's Going On? they wondered.
The zoo managers were worried because It Takes Two to make more monkeys. These are endangered Barbary macaque monkeys, and the only way to save the species is if they make more macaque monkeys.
"Ain't That Peculiar?" exclaimed the zoo managers.
So they hired David Largie, a Marvin Gaye impersonator, to serenade the monkeys and urge them to Come Get To This.
According to a United Press International (UPI) story, Largie performed several songs from the soul singer's collection, including "Let's Get It On" and "Sexual Healing" because most journalists can't help but land on the obvious joke and totally missed all the other Marvin Gaye song titles in the previous six paragraphs.
First thought, best thought is not the way to do proper humor, UPI. Leave it to the pros.
Personally, I think they should have hired a Barry White impersonator because a lot of humans exist because of "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Baby."
In fact, giant pandas are no longer endangered in China because zoo officials played the "Can't Get Enough" album on repeat for two weeks; the panda population skyrocketed five months later.
Largie performed inside the macaque's love den, hoping to bridge the gap between the Distant Lovers. (There's another one.)
The park director, Matt Lovatt, told UPI, "Each birth is vital to the species with Barbary macaques being classified as endangered."
Passive voice aside, Lovatt said they won't know if the soul serenade had any effect until the birthing season in late spring and early summer.
I asked a few of the monkeys what they thought about Largie's performance and the zoo's efforts.
"I don't know about anyone else, but I liked him," said Leonard, an older male macaque. "I've been a Marvin Gaye fan since before these youngsters could fling their own poo."
"He didn't really do it for me," said Custer, a younger male macaque. "I didn't feel moved to do anything."
I asked Custer what sorts of bands he liked instead.
"Oh, the Cranberries, for sure," said Custer. "Blind Melon. Moby Grape."
"Oh yeah, Moby Grape are really good," said Leonard.
"But this Marvin Gaye character? He just wasn't my cup of tea," said Custer.
"He wasn't for us, you daft numpty," said Leonard. "He was there to get the girls more interested in us. If you haven't noticed, they haven't been paying much attention to us lately."
"But I've been doing everything we're supposed to do. My face and genitals are bright red and I've rubbed urine over myself to show my availability."
"Who told you to do that?"
"I read it in The Telegraph."
Leonard laughed. "Junior, I've never rubbed urine on myself and I do alright."
"But they did a study that said we rub urine over ourselves to attract females!"
"And how's that working out for you?"
"Not well," mumbled Custer, hanging his head.
I asked a couple of female macaques, "Park director Lovatt said he thought this was a way to encourage you to show a little affection to the males that haven't been so lucky in love. Did it work?"
"I quite liked it," said a female macaque named Sheila. "I love those old romantic songs. My mum used to sing them when I was a little monkey. We'd be sitting in the trees or playing in our activity room and she'd be singing'I Heard It Through the Grapevine.'"
"Oh yeah, that human was pretty good," said another female named Gwen. "The songs were so good even Custer started looking attractive."
"Eww," said Sheila. "He smells like pee!"
"It was in a study!" protested Custer.
"If a study told you to jump off that rope bridge, would you do it?" asked Leonard. The two screeched at each other and ran off.
"There they go again," groaned Sheila. "It's constant with these two. Leonard's all, 'Quit flinging poo,' and Custer's all 'You're not my real alpha male.' It's enough to make you go off males altogether."
"So do you think the Marvin Gaye songs will influence your decisions in the next few weeks?"
"I don't know," said Sheila. "Every year, it's the same thing. The same red faces, same red genitals. We do it for about 20 seconds and then they ignore us for the rest of the year. Hardly worth picking insects off each other in the first place."
"I don't know, I think Custer's kind of cute," said Gwen. "He may smell a little bit, but his face is a particularly lovely shade of red this season."
Sharon rolled her eyes. "Mercy, Mercy Me," she said.
