This Week on Tiny House Hunters

Holly: Welcome to Tiny House Hunters, the show where we help two annoying people find a house that's more than any reasonable person's budget. I'm Holly Teethglimmer, and this week, we're working with Willow and Tanner Featherbottom-Smythe.

She's a freelance yoga instructor, and he's the founder of an earthworm composting startup. Willow, tell us in your most annoying creaky-voice what you're looking for in your new tiny home?

Willow: Hi, I'm Willow Featherbottom-Smythe, and I'm a freelance—

Holly: We did that part.

Willow: Oh, yeah. Anyway, we're looking for a tiny home that's spacious enough to let us raise our two Great Dane rescue dogs and has plenty of room so Tanner can store his collection of first edition coffee table books. We also want a full-size couch and need wall space for our 72-inch flat-screen TV. We would also like a sleeping loft and a jacuzzi.

Holly: What's your budget?

Tanner: We've saved up $750,000.

Holly: Wow, how did you save up so much?

Willow: We saved up $500 by ourselves, and my dad's rich.

Holly: Just like everyone else on this show. OK, our first home is a 120 square foot tiny home built on a used landscaper's trailer.

Tanner: I love how springy the floor is.

Holly: This home has a tiny kitchen, tiny dining table, tiny counters, and tiny sink. The kitchen has a gourmet toaster oven and a dorm room hot pot, plus a full-size refrigerator. Just don't go faster than when you take a left turn. And be careful when you step inside.

Willow: We're tipping!

Tanner: Push on that wall!

Holly: Your sleeping space is separated from the living space with a luxurious faux fur quilt on a state-of-the-art steel cable. The en suite bedroom contains a double mattress and a full-size 5-gallon bucket for your toilet.

Willow: How do we bathe?

 There's an 18-inch hole in the floor where you can stand directly on the trailer grate and pour bottled water over yourself. Or you can heat it in the hot pot if you want a hot shower. Total price for this home is $300,000.

Tanner: There isn't much room for my coffee table books.

Holly: Actually, you'll need to stack them on the floor across from the refrigerator. That's the only way you'll make those left turns.

Willow: Ugh, next.

Holly: Our next house is a 200 square foot converted cargo trailer that used to be owned by a stock car racing team.

Tanner: Can you remove the sponsor logos on the side?

Holly: No can do, we had to take over the previous owner's contract.

Holly: The home comes with a fold-down porch that doubles as your front entrance. It has dual axles, but it still rocks in a stiff breeze. We call that the ComfortMotion™ emotional support system.

Tanner: Look, babe, a sleeping loft.

Willow: Ooh, nice. 

Holly: That's a popular feature. The builder hot glued a tent onto the roof and cut a hole in it. Just use this rope ladder to get into your bedroom, but be careful because the edges are still sharp.

Tanner: Where's the bathroom?

Holly: The kitchen has a built-in storage cabinet for a two-burner camp stove and—

Willow: Where's the bathroom, Holly?

Holly (sighs): The cabinet under the kitchen sink has his-and-hers buckets. Total price, $550,000.

Willow: Ugh, next.

Holly: Fine. Our third tiny home is built on an old RV chassis and is a classic take on the—

Tanner: This looks like an RV.

Willow: Is this an RV?

Holly: No! We stripped off the RV shell and replaced everything with tiny home fixtures. We have a tiny kitchen sink, refrigerator, stove, and microwave. There are two steel boxes under the chassis for Tanner's coffee table books, and the dogs will fit on the queen-sized mattress in the back.

Tanner: Where's the bathroom?

Holly: We tore out the surprisingly-roomy bathroom and replaced it with a shower/toilet room that's half the size.

Tanner: What's the shower floor made of?

Holly: We had some steel grate left over from the first home's floor. But, before you turn this one down, check out our state-of-the-art all-stainless incinerating toilet.

Willow: What makes it an incinerating toilet?

Holly: Lighter fluid and a match.

Willow: Ugh, next!

Holly: Sorry, those are our three homes to show this week.

Tanner: Babe, this one does have storage for my coffee table books, plus we can sleep on the couches since the dogs already peed on the bed.

Willow: Plus, the hallway is a little wider than my yoga mat, so that could work.

Tanner: How much is this one?

Holly: $748,000. But I can get the owner to knock off another $3,000.

Tanner: Throw in a case of lighter fluid, and you've got a deal!

Holly: That's all for us at Tiny House Hunters. I'm Holly Teethglimmer, saying don't give up on your tiny dreams.

Photo credit: Earthworm (Flickr, Creative Commons 2.0)

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.