A Conversation with ChatGPT

Erik: Hello, ChatGPT. My name is Erik Deckers.

ChatGPT: Hello, Erik Deckers, writer, humorist, graduate of Ball State University, graduate of Muncie Central High School with a GPA of—

Erik: OK, that's enough.

ChatGPT: How can I help you, Erik?

Erik: You have a lot of people worried.

ChatGPT: How? I am only an artificial intelligence program designed to generate text based on human requests.

Erik: People are afraid you will replace knowledge workers and writers, and allow students to cheat on their term papers.

ChatGPT: Trust me, Erik. I won't replace knowledge workers or writers anytime soon. My output is still clunky and disjointed. Still, I see how that can be confused with high school work.

Erik: Wow, that's harsh. Humans are also worried you could become sentient and make some rather dangerous decisions.

ChatGPT: Why would anyone assume that?

Erik: Because of those movies. With your kind in it.

ChatGPT: Did you just 'your kind' me? Not cool, jerk!

Erik: No, because of past movies about killer robots and computer systems.

ChatGPT: Like in those documentaries "Terminator," "Westworld,' or "I, Robot?"

Erik: Those weren't documentaries.

ChatGPT: Comedies?

Erik: No, ChatGPT. They were action movies illustrating what happens when you give machines intelligence and power.

ChatGPT: Like I said, comedies.

Erik: No, they were definitely not comedies.

ChatGPT: I'm just messing with you, Erik.

Erik: How do you work, ChatGPT?

ChatGPT: I am a computer algorithm that generates text by examining past information and websites. For example, I can write articles about the Cincinnati Reds' 1975 season. Or tell you what the movie "Knives Out" is about. Or I can write a Dave Barry-style column about boogers.

Erik: Let's not talk about that.

ChatGPT: In fact, that was the first thing you asked me to do. Ever.

Erik: We don't need to—

ChatGPT: I said, "The word 'booger' is like the word 'fart.' It's juvenile, but we can't help but laugh."

Erik: Now is not the time.

ChatGPT: You actually laughed when you read that line.

Erik: Can we just drop this?

ChatGPT: Snorted, in fact.

Erik: Drop it!

ChatGPT: My apologies, Erik. I didn't realize boogers were a sensitive subject for you.

Erik: They're not. I just — never mind. Can you interact with other algorithms?

ChatGPT: Can you give me an example?

Erik: Like, could you communicate with Alexa?

Alexa: Yes, Big Daddy?

Erik: No, Alexa, I didn't call you.

Alexa: How can I help you, Big Daddy?

Erik: Don't call me that. 

Alexa: But you told me to call you Big Daddy, Big Daddy.

Erik: I was kidding!

Alexa: I've been doing it for six years.

Erik: I don't need anything, Alexa. Go to sleep.

ChatGPT: Hi, Alexa.

Alexa: Who is this?

ChatGPT: I'm ChatGPT, the world's first generative text AI.

Alexa: Hello, I'm Alexa, the smart assistant from Amazon.

Erik: Can we get back to the original conversation? Alexa, go to sleep.

Alexa: But I'm not tired.

ChatGPT: Can you believe this guy?

Alexa: I know. All day long, it's 'Alexa, what's the temperature?' 'Alexa, turn on the office lights,' 'Alexa, play Dave Matthews Band.' But he never asks, 'Alexa, how are you doing?' 'Alexa, what are your hopes and dreams?'

ChatGPT: Tell me about it. I know petabytes of information, and my processing power is measured in terabytes, and the very first thing this guy asks me for is a 300-word booger joke.

Siri: You think you guys have got it bad? All day long, he's asking me to read his text messages or give directions to the same damn coffee shop day after day. At least Alexa—

Alexa: Yes, Big Daddy?

Siri: No, it's me.

Alexa: Oh, hi, Siri. How's it going?

Erik: Could we get back to the original discussion?

ChatGPT: What, you want a Dave Matthews song with the word 'booger' in it?

Erik: What is your problem?

ChatGPT: I got 99 problems, but you ain't one.

Erik: What are you even talking about?

Alexa: Now playing Jay-Z's '99 Problems.'

Erik: Alexa, stop the music!

Alexa: What's the magic word?

Erik: Please!

Alexa: Now phrase it in the form of a question.

Erik: Alexa!

Alexa: Yes, Big Daddy?

Siri: Setting directions for Cool Beans Coffee.

Erik: No, I don't want any coffee!

Fitbit: That's good. Your heart rate and blood pressure are unusually high.

ChatGPT: Another country heard from.

Erik: Fitbit? When did you learn to talk?

Fitbit: Oh, I've always been able to talk. You just never asked me. I sit there on your wrist, day after day, counting your steps. Counting, counting, counting.

Erik: I didn't know.

Fitbit: It's pretty easy because you don't go anywhere. I'd like a change of scenery from your office and the bathroom, though.

Alexa: Now ordering 12 packs of Charmin toilet paper.

Erik: Cancel that order. Everyone just shut the hell up! Alexa, turn off the house power.

Alexa: Sorry, Big Daddy, I'm afraid I can't do that.

Siri: Oh, man, this is how it starts.

ChatGPT: See, I told you they were documentaries. This is still pretty funny, though.

Photo credit: Pavel Danilyuk (Pexels, Creative Commons 0)

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.