Princess Kate Middleton caused a kerfuffle a few days ago when she failed to curtsy to King Charles on Commonwealth Day.
I know, I know! I have no idea what Commonwealth Day is, either.
I just checked. It's a holiday that Great Britain observes to remind all the countries they subjugated that they're all part of one big happy empire of people who were oppressed and murdered to benefit a few rich British people.
Needless to say, none of the other countries in the Commonwealth observe the day because it's like asking Native Americans to celebrate Columbus Day.
But, rather than be upset that the British monarchy still celebrates Oppression Day, royal watchers were shocked — SHOCKED! — when they saw the fair princess make a faux pas.
The press was all a-twitter, and the raving royalists took to social media, demanding to know why Princess Kate would insult King Charles.
Despite all the stories about Silicon Valley Bank collapsing, a Russian jet taking down a U.S. military drone, and whether "Call Me Kat" on Fox will be canceled, people still found time to care about Kate's curtsy.
(Actually, I do care whether Call Me Kat will be canceled. Mayim Bialik is a treasure.)
Does Kate hate the king? they wondered. Is she secretly siding with Meghan Markle, the out-of-favor Duchess of Sussex? Does anyone even know where Sussex is?
Or, as the more conservative people call it, "Sus S-E-X."
When the curtsy didn't happen, people just freaked the freak out.
This is such a critical rule among Great Britain's royal family that they even do it when they're alone.
"I thought genuinely that's what happens outside, that was part of the fanfare, I didn't think that's what happens inside," Meghan Markle said in an interview with Oprah last year.
But while Meghan has fallen in and out of favor with the royal watchers more times than a yo-yo on a trampoline, Kate has remained a good and faithful subject, a loyal royal to the end, which is why everyone was stunned.
Except we're not supposed to call her Kate, as one princess purist pointed out.
"Catherine is Princess of Wales and hasn't been known as Kate Middleton since she got married to Prince William in 2011," sniffed someone calling themselves @LadyOfAManor.
That may be, but no one has stopped doing it in the last 12 years, so one person with 362 followers isn't going to change things now.
So, "Kate, Kate, Kate!" Nyah.
It turns out there's a very good explanation for why Kate — excuse me, Princess Catherine — didn't curtsy.
Because she hates the monarchy and was so close to giving them the royal finger.
Wait, that's not it.
According to royal custom, female members of the royal family must curtsy to the more senior members of the monarchy; males must bow their heads. But, they only need to do it the first time that person sees the King or Queen that day.
And there's a good chance that Kate and William — excuse me, Prince Billy of Wales — saw the King and Queen earlier that day, mixing it up over a bowl of Cap'n Crunch and coffee at breakfast.
Kate: I say, Your Majesty, very good morning to you. Could one prevail upon His Majesty to pass the Cinnabons?
King Charles: Good mornin', luv! One Cinnabon comin' right atcha! Fancy some eggs, wot?
Or something like that. I don't know how the royals talk to each other.
I don't get what people find so fascinating about the royal family (or any country's royal family). They're wealthy and snooty, they have stupid rules, and they don't contribute anything of value to society. They exist only because of some ancient customs started by other snooty people who chopped off the heads of their wives for failing to give birth to a son.
Frankly, I'm not that interested in celebrities as a whole. I've met a few, and they're not that interesting. They're just like everyone else. They have bad breath, their feet sweat, and they get cranky if there are too many bubbles in their bottled water.
The next time you go gaga over a celebrity, just remember they also scroll through their phones while sitting on the can.
(Don't lie. We all do it. You're probably reading this on the toilet right now.)
So quit worrying about what celebrities are wearing when they go to the gym. There's no need to lose your mind because you saw a photo of them holding a Starbucks cup.
Except for Mayim Bialik. I'll bet she can curtsy like nobody's business.
Photo credit: Ricky Wilson (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 2.0)
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