Americans Are Bad at Valentine's Day

Despite all the hype and hoopla, Americans are bad at Valentine's Day.

Some people are cynical and gripe about it being a greeting card holiday perpetuated by Big Candy. Other people go all in and elevate it to the same level as Christmas and Halloween.

And still others trumpet their singleness by celebrating Galentine's Day and Palentine's Day. Then they go home and sob uncontrollably while they eat a can of frosting with a spoon.

But most of us treat it like any other day and go through the motions, even when we have someone to celebrate with. We fall back on the old tried-and-true tricks of flowers and restaurants and then go home for some "alone time," just like every other year.

America, we've lost that lovin' feeling.

The latest Google search data bears this out. On February 13, Google released a state-by-state breakdown of the most popular Valentine's searches to give the last-minute lovers some final ideas. If the search results are any indication, it didn't take.

Several states took the easy way out and Googled "movies" — Colorado, Indiana, Iowa, and South Dakota all went to the place where you don't have to talk to your loved one for a few hours. 

At least Minnesota searched for "movie theaters," but the results are still predictable.

Come on, Minnesota, there's got to be something more fun and exciting to do in the middle of February when winter is at its worst.

There isn't? Nothing at all? It's a barren wasteland until May? OK, then, carry on.

On the other hand, Georgia, New Mexico, South Carolina, and Texas searched for "drive-in movie theater." That's at least a little more fun than a plain old movie. Sure, the seats aren't comfortable, and the sound quality isn't as good. But you get to enjoy the mosquitoes that sneak in whenever you go to the concession stands, and your car will smell like popcorn for weeks.

Also, you can talk during the movie, and you don't have to wait to get home for "personal time." just park near the back. That's something Minnesota still hasn't figured out.

Still, that's all you're doing for Valentine's Day? I didn't think anyone could get any more boring until I saw Ohio and Washington DC searched for "restaurants." Seriously? You've had all year to plan, and this is the best you could do? I'm surprised you didn't search for "chalky candy hearts" or "cheapest Valentine's card possible."

Meanwhile, Kentucky, Virginia, and Mississippi all opted for the more highbrow option as they searched for "museums." Because nothing says romance like looking at pictures of naked people. Just do it before the conservatives ban all human nudity, and then stammer and blush when they realize why there are a lot of babies being born in November.

Michigan and Connecticut took a more dangerous approach to their festivities as people there searched for "axe-throwing" for date night. Although that may have been from the parents of teenagers going on dates.

Other Americans are questioning whether they want to be in their relationships at all because several states searched for ways to escape.

Oh, wait. Escape rooms. They were searching for "escape rooms." Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Rhode Island, and Delaware — most of the Northeast, in fact.

Not Massachusetts, though. They know that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, which is why axe throwing may be handy. Except "cooking class" was the Puritan State's top search. Illinois must have been asking Massachusetts what they were going to wear because they searched for the same thing.

Alaska is nothing if not efficient because they combined dinner with a show as more people searched for "dinner theater" in the Land of the Midnight Sun than anything else.

Louisiana, Maryland, and Pennsylvania wanted to bring a little competition into Love Day because they all wanted to go bowling. And Arkansas, North Dakota, and West Virginia wanted to go to the arcade for their special night. Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket, or are you just happy — you know what? Never mind. I don't want to get in trouble with Florida's governor.

I don't think they understand true romance in California, Kansas, or Missouri, though, because they all searched for "mini golf," or "putt-putt" in Washington.

And Arizona put their date in the friend zone because their number one search term was "Japanese Friendship Garden."

Welcome to Ouch Town, population you, bro!

But Oklahoma really gets me. Their number one search was "bookstore," and I may be smitten. If you love to read, there's no better present than having your sweetie take you to your favorite bookstore and tell you to pick out a book or two. And then maybe you can head up to Michigan, where their top search was for "comedy club."

See, America, that's how you know you've got true love. Someone who will let you read and laugh with you at everyone else. Like Montana, who searched for "frozen yogurt."

Looks like someone is going to be even unluckier than Minnesota.

Photo credit: Stewart Butterfield (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 2.0)

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