Summer has unofficially begun, what with Memorial Day weekend, the running of the Indianapolis 500, and the Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee all happening within a few weeks.
This year, Dev Shah, a kid from Florida, won the 98th Running Of The Bees with the word "psammophile," which refers to animals and plants that prefer to live in sandy soil.
If nothing else, Shah's victory proves that not everyone in Florida is an idiot, just the criminals. And the politicians. I'll leave you to make your own Venn Diagram jokes.
The Spelling Bee also prompts Google Trends to create its annual list of each state's most misspelled words. They analyze how many people Googled the phrase "how to spell..." and the word that gave them trouble.
North Dakota had trouble spelling "science," which is understandable. Does it start with a silent 's' or a silent 'c'? The South may know how to spell it, they just have trouble believing in it.
Usually, when I write about this topic, there's always a state that struggles with spelling its name. Two years ago, it was West Virginia, and last year, Colorado couldn't spell "Colorado."
This year, everyone could spell their own name. But other states? Not so much.
Kansas had trouble spelling "Tennessee," while Tennessee struggled with "Oh, yeah? Screw you, Kansas!" Actually, they struggled with "sugar."
Seriously, Tennessee? You guys are the gateway to sweet tea. How do you misspell the first, second, AND third ingredient of sweet tea?
Hawaii had problems with "mahalo," which means "thank you." I don't blame them, though, since tourists are overrunning the place and squeezing out the natives. I'd have problems with "thank you," too.
This year, Colorado couldn't spell "ally," and Mississippi was frustrated with "gray," which are the only four-word entries in this year's list.
Meanwhile, Louisiana is smirking at Mississippi for being unable to spell "gray."Or it would, except it can't spell "smirking." So, wype thet smurk of yore fais.
On the other end of the spelling spectrum are the 11+ letter words: New Mexico can't spell "miscellaneous," Minnesota can't spell "kindergarten," Michigan can't spell "shenanigans," and Kentucky's nightmare word is "embarrassed."
Don't feel bad, Kentucky; it takes me a few tries to get it right. I've been a professional writer for 20 years, and I still rely on the spellchecker for that one.
The final 11-letter spelling strangler is Wyoming, which is trying to shake off its amateur status because it can't spell "professional."
While many Wyomaniacs can't spell it, most people can't define it. I'm regularly told to "dress professionally," or my Zoom background needs to "look professional," but no one can tell me what that actually means. What profession? What field?
From the context, I think "be professional" means "be drab, boring, and entirely devoid of any personality. Dress only in khaki, walk like your spine has been surgically replaced with an iron rod, and act so uptight you couldn't fart a BB."
But I'm just taking a stab in the dark on that one.
Alaska and Indiana are struggling with self-esteem because Alaska can't spell "beautiful," and Indiana can't spell "beauty." Oh, my lovelies, you are both beautiful in my eyes, no matter how you spell it.
I'm worried South Carolina and Florida are up to something because South Carolina can't spell "government," and Florida can't spell "vicious." Also, Georgia can't spell "queen," and now I think they may be trying to overthrow the monarchy. So now you have two wars you guys can't get over?
They need to keep things quiet, like Maine, except Maine can't spell "quiet." Makes me wonder what kind of parties they're throwing Down North these days.
I think the economy may be improving because Maryland is having problems spelling "diamond," while California and Rhode Island can't spell "boujee" and "bougie," respectively.
Also, California, it's "bougie," which is short for "bourgeous." Er, "bourgeois." No, "boozhwah."
"Middle class." It's short for "middle class."
Iowa can't spell "Thursday," Missouri can't spell "February," and Illinois and Arkansas can't spell "tomorrow," which is why they can never figure out a time to meet for brunch.
Meanwhile, Massachusetts is having trouble with "etiquette," which sounds right. I've been to Boston a few times, and they can be some real MA-holes.
Texas can't spell "pyramid," and I wonder what they're up to. We'll have our answer if you see a bunch of UFOs or a giant jackal looming over Dallas. Texas, why don't you learn to spell "power grid reliability" instead? Leave the whole pyramid thing to California.
And in the Pacific Northwest, Washington can't spell "resume," but I don't know if they're having trouble starting over or finding a job.
You've reached the end of this year's spelling bee column, which means you can heave a sigh of relief and shout, "Finally!"
Unless you live in Nebraska, that is.
Photo credit: Noah1806 (Creative Commons 4.0, Wikimedia Commons)
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