Hot Women From The Internet Don't Actually Want You

I've got a secret for the male readers, especially you older ones in your 50s and 60s. This may be a blow to your fragile snowflake ego, but you need to hear it. Ready? Here it is.

Hot women on the internet are not actually interested in you.

I know, I know. Take a deep breath. Are you OK? Do you need a minute?

It's true. The good-looking women trying to friend you on Instagram and Facebook are not actually swooning over your good looks.

They're not gazing at your belly stretching your Tommy Bahamas shirt, your chunky gold bracelet, and your sandals and knee-high compression socks, and thinking, "Oooh, that's the man for me."

They don't want to be friends. Or more than friends. They're not interested in a relationship. They don't want to sleep with you. They're not even really women.

I don't mean they're transgender, I mean they're fake accounts with pictures of good-looking women stolen from other accounts.

Also, ladies, the hot male underwear models who are rich surgeons on the weekends are equally fake.

You'd think this would be rather obvious, given that we receive dozens of these spam messages each week, but people still fall for it.

I know you like to think you're attracting all these people. You are pretty great, after all. I'll grant you that. But they're all scammers, and they only want to steal from you.

It's a real problem for Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, but they're not doing anything about it. Never mind that tens of thousands of people report these messages as spam. You would think that the people who supposedly guard against this kind of thing would finally get smart and work to nip this in the bud. But do they?

Of course not. They need to keep their membership numbers up so they can squeeze every penny they can out of advertisers. Which means we're pestered by crooks and scammers who wouldn't know an honest day's work if they stole it.

Instead, they create fake accounts and make people think foreign models really want to hook up with someone from Bug Tussle, Texas.

(Which is a real place. There's also a Bugtussle, Kentucky, and Bugtussle, Oklahoma.)

But people fall for these scams all the time. They're hoping to see photos of scantily-clad men and women, not realizing they're about to be scammed, hacked, or infected with a virus.

Either that or they really do believe a Russian model wants to move to Akron, Ohio.

(They don't No one does. People in Akron, Ohio don't even want to live in Akron, Ohio.)

LinkedIn is being hammered with spam, too, and they're not doing anything about it.

For years, I have received several emails each week from people trying to sell me web design services or content marketing services. (I've owned a content marketing agency for 15 years.)

Or they want to sell me ghostwriting services. (I'm already a ghostwriter.)

Or they think I should write a book. (I've written six.)

When I report them as spam to LinkedIn, I get an automated email back saying they weren't spam, and they're not going to do anything about it.

So the messages keep on coming, and they all say the same thing.

"I know you're very busy, but I would like to talk to you about starting your own business."

I have my own business. Delete!

"This isn't a sales pitch, I just want to have a phone conversation with you."

If it's not a sales pitch, pay me $100 an hour to just have a phone conversation with me. Delete!

"I'm looking forward to reading more of your great insights and learning some of your valuable lessons."

Oh yeah? Name one of my valuable lessons. Delete!

"I want to see if we can work together in a way that's mutually beneficial for both of us."

Your way involves me giving you money, not the other way around. Delete!

Lately, I've been getting emails from young Asian women trying to impress me with their style and wealth. They have dozens of photos of them wearing high fashion, eating at fancy restaurants, and driving expensive cars.

Look, I'm well aware of how I dress, where I eat, and what I drive. There's no way a rich woman from Singapore or Taiwan would want me. I block every one of them, but they keep coming. I get emails that say, "Hi there. I read your profile, and you are very accomplished."

Thank you, but I'm only slightly accomplished. And I don't own a Tommy Bahamas shirt, so forget it.

"I hope we can become friends and learn from each other."

I don't know what a 22-year-old rich woman from Singapore can teach me, but I'm pretty sure my wife would kill me for it.

Just recently, I received a message that said, "Now LinkedIn has changed and is full of spam and harassment."

Congratulations on being part of the problem. Why don't you leave me alone and go hook up with that hot male underwear model who's a surgeon on the weekends?

I know Carla from Nutbush, Tennessee captured his heart, but I think you've got a real shot.

Photo credit: Freezelight (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 2.0)

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.