In June 2014, a rather impressive male impregnated 100 females in just a few short weeks.
Randy the guinea pig was a resident at Hatton Country World in Warwickshire, England when he somehow found his way into a females-only pen filled with 100 female guinea pigs. He lived there undetected for a few weeks until Hatton staff discovered that all 100 female guinea pigs were pregnant.
And in the corner, wearing a smug grin was one very exhausted male guinea pig chugging a Gatorade.
I had a chance to catch up with Randy, a few weeks before the ten-year anniversary of his astounding — some would say shameful — feat. I don't speak Guinea Pig, so I translated our interview with RatGPT.
Erik: So, Randy, 100 females, eh? Some people are applauding your enthusiasm and stamina, but other people are rather judgmental and calling you a male slut. How do you feel about your accomplishments ten years later?
Randy: At the time, I was pleased with myself I never dreamed that kind of thing could happen to me. When I was in high school, I was pretty much a nerd who stayed home, playing video games. I never even went to my prom. But when that little kid accidentally put me in the wrong enclosure, and I was surrounded by all those women, I thought I had died and gone to Heaven.
Erik: And now?
Erik: I can imagine. It was pretty funny when they named you Randy though.
Randy (laughs): Yeah, that's true. Randy by name, randy by nature. I wasn't given that name until afterward though.
Erik: What was your name before then?
Randy: The humans never really gave us names. We had our own names for each other. My guinea pig name was Squee-Squee-Squee, but then again, we were all called that.
Erik: So, how's fatherhood treating you?
Randy: I know I'm supposed to say it's magical and whatnot, but it's pure hell. I don't know how anyone else does it.
Erik: It's not that hard if you pace yourself. I'm a dad, but it was to only three kids. And we spaced them out a few years. Sounds like you had 100 kids all at once.
Randy: One hundred kids? I wish! One hundred would be a walk in the park. Guinea pigs can give birth to anywhere from one to eight pups, but the average is two to four.
Erik: You mean—
Randy: Exactly. Four hundred babies. We had. Four. Hundred. Babies.
Erik: Seriously? How do you keep track of them all?
Randy: We don't. Everyone is left to their own devices, and they just fend for themselves.
Erik: How do you even tell them apart? What do you do when it's time for them to come home?
Randy: Easy, we named all the boys Kevin and all the girls Kathy. If I just shout, "Hey, Kevin, half of them will turn around." And if I say "Kathy, quit doing that," all the girls stop what they're doing.
Erik: How do your parents feel about it?
Randy: They love having grandkids, especially my mom. She had been bugging me for years: "When are you going to give me grandchildren? When am I going to be a grandma?" She wouldn't shut up about it. Now she couldn't be happier, although she was a bit ashamed when the news first broke.
Erik: I'll bet the grandkids keep her pretty busy.
Randy: Oh, yeah. She doesn't get a moment's rest during Christmas. And Birthday Month is pure hell for her. She used to bake eight giant cakes and let the kids go crazy. Now she just orders them from a bakery.
Erik: What about your dad? How did he take the news?
Randy: He acted all disappointed, but that was for my mom's benefit.
Erik: Why do you say that?
Randy: Because when we were alone, he winked, chucked me on the shoulder, and said, "Well done, lad."
Erik: Creepy. So what is Father's Day like for you?
Randy: Mostly really good. The kids each give me a gift. Last year, they all chipped in and got me a PlayStation. And then they make me breakfast in bed each year, which can be a bit chaotic.
Erik: Why is that?
Randy: Imagine 400 little kids all trying to make scrambled eggs and toast at the same time. And all that squeaking is interminable. It makes me want to pull my fur out.
Erik: So what's life for you like now?
Randy: Pretty boring. Right after the. . . incident, the Hatton staff had me and every other male neutered to prevent this kind of thing from happening again. So now I just go to work each day. I have two jobs, plus I help a buddy out as a contractor on the weekends.
Erik: You sound really busy. Why do you work so much?
Randy: Would you want to be in the same house as 400 screaming brats? But more importantly, it takes a lot of money to make 400 child support payments.
Photo credit: Vantagepointfl (Pixabay, Creative Commons 0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.