When the automotive industry first introduced robots to their factories, factory workers yelled about robots taking their jobs.
And when artificial intelligence exploded onto the scene a year ago — after several years of operating without notice — creative professionals screamed about robots taking their jobs.
Now a Spanish artist living in the Netherlands, Alicia Framis, wants to marry an AI hologram and no one is saying a word.
Of course, there are people who complain that robots are taking their jobs, but what about taking their relationships? Some people are already in relationships with a soulless automaton, but most of us want to experience the real love and touch of a flesh-and-blood human being.
According to a press release from Framis — presumably written by a real human, which is a delicious irony — the ceremony will feature a "unique ritual for the union between a human and an avatar." The ritual will then be minted and sold as an NFT to some tech-bro idiot.
Guests will also be served "molecular food that can be enjoyed by both humans and humanoid entities."
I've had molecular food before; "enjoyed" may be too strong of a strong word.
Framis said their wedding represents a "new generation of love" where humans can have relationships with holograms, avatars, and robots.
AILex emitted a burst of static that said, "Khhhhhhhh."
Just like other artificial intelligence systems are built on large amounts of language data, Framis based AILex on a bank of data of all of her ex-boyfriends. She said she combined the best parts of their personalities to create one super-boyfriend.
That's a bad idea. They're your EX-boyfriends for a reason. If you didn't like their best parts when you were with them, what makes you think all of them at once will be better? Candy is good, and steak is good. Putting candy on steak is terrible.
Also, AI bots make up wildly incorrect answers but act like they're correct. When you point out their errors, they apologize, promise to do better, but repeat the same BS as before.
Most wives will say this is no different from their lives now, but at least when you call your husbands out, we pretend we don't know what you're talking about.
Furthermore, AI bots are getting dumber as we put in more information. In the beginning, most bots were smart because they had been trained on the best human-made data available. But they could only produce a mediocre replica of the sum of its information.
Then that data got fed into the system, and the bots produced a mediocre replica of that new data. And then they did it again.
Do you know what happens when you make a copy of a copy of a copy?
That's right, you marry it.
It doesn't matter how good AI bots get, they'll never replace husbands.
An AI husband won't cuddle with you on a cold night. You can't snuggle up to him while you're watching TV and fall asleep on his shoulder.
You can't put your cold feet on him in the middle of the night. He can't lift heavy objects. And he won't kill spiders.
On the other hand, an AI husband won't run off with his secretary, although you might catch him in an embrace with the toaster.
Framis is undeterred. As she said on her website, "Just as telephones saved us from loneliness and filled the void in our lives, holograms as interactive presences in our homes can take it even further."
"Khhhhhhhh," AILix agreed.
If you're worried that Framis has lost touch with reality, don't. This isn't her first relationship with a non-human entity. In 1995, she lived with a mannequin in France that she named Villeneuve, but he was wooden and unfeeling.
So Framis dumped him and took up with another mannequin named Pierre, but she left him because he had a big chip on his shoulder.
And on his knees. And his elbows.
Plus, his hands kept falling off.
This new non-traditional marriage is the tip of the iceberg for Framis. She's teaming up with the Rabobank Art Collection in Rotterdam to create the world's first mortgage to purchase a holographic companion.
I hope they rebrand themselves as Robobank.
They're also considering how to design a house specifically for a human and a hologram.
Except wouldn't it be a regular house? I mean, it's not like the hologram needs anything special. He can keep his clothes on your laptop, and his library on your Kindle. And plug him into the game console when he wants to play Madden Football where he can be a part of the action.
And if you're worried that he's spending too much time with the guys and you want to keep him home, just unplug your wifi.
Photo credit: Davidyonathan4 (Pixabay, Creative Commons 0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.