Eclipse Injuries? You May Be Entitled to Compensation

Were you injured by the recent solar eclipse? Do you live along the path of the eclipse between Texas and Maine? Did you look up at the eclipse without any sort of eye protection despite repeatedly being warned not to? If so, you may be entitled to monetary damages for your injuries.

At the law offices of Janssen & Lockyer, we're committed to helping everyone receive justice for their injuries, no matter who was actually responsible.

So if you looked up at the eclipse despite being told numerous times by astronomers, medical professionals, your teachers, and well-meaning strangers, you're entitled to compensation.

At Janssen & Lockyer, our goal is to sue as many parties as possible to fight for the justice you deserve, despite your ignoring every warning over the last several months.

We're suing every local, state, and federal government we can think of, including the President of the United States, for not enforcing laws and issuing strongly-worded statements. Even though the government should not interfere with citizens' lives, it should have intervened and restricted people from gazing skyward.

Furthermore, NASA failed Americans because they failed to infiltrate various conspiracy theory websites with warnings that the eclipse was going to take their guns away if they stared at it. And so we'll make them pay!

We are also suing every media company in North America because they did not put terrifying warnings at the beginnings of their stories. They only put non-threatening reminders at the end of stories. And that makes them responsible for you looking directly at the sun. Remember, it doesn't matter if you never actually read the news stories, they're still responsible for your not knowing you should never stare at the sun.

If you could see your television right now, you would see me pointing and looking grim so you could know how serious we are at Janssen & Lockyer about finding justice for you.

You would also know that we're serious about suing all the schools that failed to cancel classes, and instead let their students go outside to witness the eclipse. They failed to protect their students by forcing them to stay inside during this once-in-a-lifetime event and by allowing them to look up at the sun.

Parents regularly abdicate their responsibility to the schools and expect them to babysit their children. They expect the schools to teach their children right from wrong so they don't have to. And by assuming this extra burden, the teachers failed to protect children by not reminding them over and over and over not to look at the sun.

But we're also suing the schools that did cancel classes and let families make their own decisions about observing the eclipse. We already know that many parents are dumber than a box of sunglasses, as many of them are Flat Earthers who want to ban books they've never read, but we're counting on them to teach their kids about eclipses?

These schools should have known better than to let their students out of their protection, and so we're going to make them pay for their negligence.

But justice isn't just limited to children. If you're an adult who looked directly at the sun, despite years and decades of being told not to, we'll sue your former schools as well. After all, they either failed to properly educate you in the first place, or you were too dumb to figure this out, but they still unleashed you on society.

And the lawyers at Janssen & Lockyer will also sue Google because right after the eclipse, there was an increase in the number of searches for "my eyes hurt" or "why do my eyes hurt." We have a map of the eclipse's path and a map of the search trend, and they both follow the same path. This tells us there's an unusual number of dumb people who live between Texas and Maine, and we'll fight for all of them.

We will also demand that Google be required to put a message that says, "Told you so" at the top of all their search results pages when people text about their eyes hurting.

Finally, we're suing Elon Musk because he's got billions of dollars, and he's been asking for it. He's kind of a jerk anyway, and we're not happy about what he did to Twitter.

So if you've been injured by the eclipse, despite being told many times a day, every day for many months, the law offices of Janssen & Lockyer will fight for your rights.

So feel around for your phone, hold down the home button, and say, "I looked at the solar eclipse, but it's not my fault."

Your phone assistant will connect you to our qualified staff who will guide you through the process to join our class action lawsuit.

Because at Janssen & Lockyer, even stupid people are entitled to compensation.

Photo credit: Archangel689 (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 4.0)

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